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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help because I’m really struggling...

66 replies

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:06

I’ll keep this short as not to drip feed... I have a toddler DS who stays at home with me. I started a business a few months ago as we were not making ends meet. The business is doing really well so we’re in a better position now which I’m very grateful for. The problem is childcare. Before I set up the business my DM said she would take my DS one day per week to help me get my work done. This hasn’t really happened and when I ask she always goes on and on about how busy she is. For context she retired at 40 so her busy is the weekly shop and some cleaning etc. I’ve been coping ok but recently it’s become very difficult to manage a house, business and full time mummy duties. Basically I need a break. DS starts nursery soon one day per week (can’t afford more at the moment but hopefully will do soon). AIBU to ask my DM to look after my toddler one day per week so I can get some work done? I also want to have a chat with her about moaning to me, she’ll ring me daily to say how stressed she is because she’s so busy etc etc. Can’t she see I’m struggling to keep my head above water? Help! AIBU to ask for help?

OP posts:

Siennabear · 29/08/2019 14:09

You're not unreasonable to ask for help, but she is within her rights to refuse. It sounds like dhe is stressed out with things she has going on. It is a big commitment looking after someone else's child on a regular basis. When does nursery start?

IsobelRae23 · 29/08/2019 14:11

You can ask, but she’s not unreasonable to say no. She’s done her mummy duties, so does not have to do them again.

Bambamber · 29/08/2019 14:14

You are not unreasonable to ask, but she is not unreasonable to say no either. I know it's a bit crappy and probably feels like she has gone back on what she said. Obviously her helping you out would be the kind thing to do, but I personally don't feel as though grandparents should feel obligated to commit to regular childcare.

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:14

@Siennabear nursery starts in October so I’ve got another month and a bit to go.

@IsobelRae23 I totally understand what you’re saying. The issue is that I wouldn’t have started the business had I known she would back out. I think it’s the complaining she’s so busy to me thing that’s got to me the most. So hard!!

OP posts:

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:18

@Bambamber That’s the most upsetting thing - she’s gone back on what she said. She offered initially and was all up for helping out but it just hasn’t happened.

OP posts:

malificent7 · 29/08/2019 14:20

It's sad that she's gone bk...how annoying. You might havd to wait till ge'd older before you make a profit. Sorry...not helpful.

milliefiori · 29/08/2019 14:23

I'm sorry for you. As others have said, you can ask but she has the right to say no. And you have the right to remember this when she is ill and old and constantly wants your help...
Without spoiling for a row, you could reasonably say: please stop moaning about how busy you are. I have a job and young child and no help. The help you promised me has never happened, which leaves me feeling really disappointed in you. I haven't the energy or time to listen to your woes right now.

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:24

@malificent7 Indeed things will be easier as he gets a bit older. Your reply is helpful - thank you! I think I just need somewhere to vent. I’m so stressed out. Desperately trying to make a nice life. It’s not as easy as it seems!

OP posts:

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:26

Thank you @milliefiori that’s a really good way to put it. I think I’ll use your phasing and see how I get on. I’m so stressed and annoyed about it if I talk to her I’m going to get angry so I’ll stick to the script! She’s just missed called me so I’m sure I’m due another daily dose of moaning!

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/08/2019 14:26

What milliefiori said.

Well done on your business by the way

Isleepinahedgefund · 29/08/2019 14:27

Have asked her explicitly to do it, eg " id like to take up the offer of help you made - what arrangement will suit you? It would really help me out if you could commit to Wednesday each week." (Nice grown up language, no you said you'd do this!!! approach)

She, of course, is allowed to decline. Toddlers aren't that much fun really!

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:29

@AmIRightOrAMeringue thank you, that’s very nice of you to say 🙂

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Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:31

@Isleepinahedgefund I have on a few occasions brought it up but her face drops and then I don’t mention it again. Yes indeed they are difficult beings! For context, I’m super lucky as he sleeps well, eats everything and plays happily but he does like to get involved in everything you do. Inquisitive!

OP posts:

StCharlotte · 29/08/2019 14:31

The issue is that I wouldn’t have started the business had I known she would back out.

I'd say this to her as well.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2019 14:33

she’ll ring me daily to say how stressed she is because she’s so busy etc etc
Fuck off mother - you don't even know the meaning of the word. I don't have time to chat as I actually AM very busy. Bye!
Then hang up.
She may start to get the message but I doubt it.
I'd hate for my DD to be struggling when I could help out.
I just don't get some mothers!

Branleuse · 29/08/2019 14:38

Id ask your mum again if you can set up a proper arrangement like she suggested before. Ask if theres a specific day thats best for her to commit to.

No she hasnt done all her mummy duties, as generally unless theres good reason, then grandparents do help out with their grandchildren. Its the done thing throughout history and in most countries to a greater or lesser extent

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2019 14:39

Although I could never say the F word to my mum as she'd literally slap me! Well my hand anyway!

nokidshere · 29/08/2019 14:43

Fuck off mother - you don't even know the meaning of the word. I don't have time to chat as I actually AM very busy. Bye!
Then hang up.

This is nasty and childish.

You are a grown up. Ask your mum if she is able to help you and, if she says no, adjust your life for one more month until nursery is available.

If your mum is a moaner, just don't answer her calls until it's convenient for you.

It is not your (or anyone else's) job to determine wether your mum is too busy or not. She is entitled to feel as busy as she likes. Whilst it would be nice if she helped out she is under no obligation to do so. If you are too busy you need to drop a ball or two and reassess your daily life as millions of working parents do every day.

Toooldtocareanymore · 29/08/2019 14:43

I certainly agree you are not wrong to ask, but by sounds of it whether or not your dm is actually busy or not is irrelevant , she thinks she is, so asking is getting you no where. Maybe suggest a half day as an alternative, maybe you could add to script I know you said you'd take ds a day a week but I hear you say how busy you are all the time, do you think you could perhaps take him tomorrow morning from x time just till y, then I could focus on getting some work done, and you could do...whatever it it is she's moaning about in afternoon.. (obviously adjust plans to suit circumstances) if excuse for tomorrow.. try another day. im just thinking if your mum feels she's stressed with all she's on, a whole day out of week will seem a lot but is she got used to this you may be able to get another half day.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 29/08/2019 14:50

Who says op mother doesn’t know what busy is? You don’t need to be a parent with a toddler to be busy and it’s not a fucking competition. So yes the mother probably does know what busy is and talking to her like the pp suggested is indeed childish and a disgusting way to talk to your mother.

You could have a chat with your Mum and ask here to have the child 1 day a week until nursery starts. She is perfectly reasonable to say no this is her time now she don’t her stint at looking after dc, also remember YOU set this business up knowing full well you had a child so solid plans should of been put in place as a priority

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:50

@hellsbellsmelons gosh! I don’t think I’d drop the F bomb (as much as I feel like it!) Indeed, a lot of grandparents do help. I understand if they don’t want to though, she just shouldn’t have in the first place!

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 29/08/2019 14:51

I don’t think grandparents should be expected to provide free regular child care. Yes she offered, but she clearly realized it was a mistake.

.

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:52

@P1nkHeartLovesCake I agree totally. I wouldn’t talk to her like that. I’m just very frustrated. Indeed, I didn’t ask initially she offered so that to me was a solid plan!

OP posts:

unknownn · 29/08/2019 14:54

Your mum does have a right to say no, but its not fair to say to you that she will have your child once a week, you then arrange your plans and your career on that promise.. and then she blow you out. Thats totally not fair. My mum has my kids twice a week for me and if she blew me out like that at the start, that wouldve been a major problem, i would have lost my job. Its not the fact your mum now thinks shes too busy and that shes changed her mind thats so frustrating.. its the fact she said she would do something and now shes deciding she isnt.. Make sure you make that clear to her. All the best

Original poster

MummaofH · 29/08/2019 14:54

@Toooldtocareanymore good idea, I might suggest half a day until I can get some more nursery hours, this should happen soon I hope.

OP posts:

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