To ask for help because I’m really struggling...

[MummaofH]

I’ll keep this short as not to drip feed... I have a toddler DS who stays at home with me. I started a business a few months ago as we were not making ends meet. The business is doing really well so we’re in a better position now which I’m very grateful for. The problem is childcare. Before I set up the business my DM said she would take my DS one day per week to help me get my work done. This hasn’t really happened and when I ask she always goes on and on about how busy she is. For context she retired at 40 so her busy is the weekly shop and some cleaning etc. I’ve been coping ok but recently it’s become very difficult to manage a house, business and full time mummy duties. Basically I need a break. DS starts nursery soon one day per week (can’t afford more at the moment but hopefully will do soon). AIBU to ask my DM to look after my toddler one day per week so I can get some work done? I also want to have a chat with her about moaning to me, she’ll ring me daily to say how stressed she is because she’s so busy etc etc. Can’t she see I’m struggling to keep my head above water? Help! AIBU to ask for help?

Many many babyboomers who refuse to help with their grandchildren, had plenty of help from their family when their children were young.

Yanbu at all to not want your mother ringing you daily for a moan! That sounds dreadful. It seems she's also struggling herself? Is she doing anything to help herself with her stress/anxiety/depression, whatever it is?

@unknownn yes that’s exactly the point - much more eloquently put than my initial rambling! I’ve organised my job around it and it’s just not happened. I totally salute all working parents, it’s incredibly hard juggling everything. I’m going to make a note of all these points and have a sit down chat later and get to the bottom of it. If she really doesn’t want to help that’s annoying but fine I’ll just have to sort it. I’ll be having a wine tonight I think!

@Branleuse Yes indeed! I got upset earlier because the pressure got to me a bit and all she had to say was I did it 4 times and I was fine...

That’s a good point @Nextphonewontbesamsung I’ve noticed she can stress at very small things.

Personally I never really get this. It isn’t just “someone’s child” it’s her grandson. I don’t have any grandchildren yet but my DSis has a grandson a few months old and she would give her right arm to have him for a full day a week. She adores seeing him. She’s had to hold back a lot and make sure she gives her DD and her partner their space.

Yes I get that grandparents have “done” their child rearing but don’t they want their own close relationship with their grandchild? I know I will. I had a fantastic relationship with my GP’s who used to have me stay there (they lived abroad) for the entire 6 weeks holiday every year from when I was about 2. It was the highlight of my year.

Sorry you’re in this situation OP. Quite honestly I wouldn’t be rushing to help her with anything the next time she needs it!

Many many babyboomers who refuse to help with their grandchildren, had plenty of help from their family when their children were young

At 58 I am a younger BB and don't have grandchildren. But I don't know a single person who doesn't help their own children with money, time or childcare, or frequently all 3. when I was young we all lived close by, sometimes in the same street as grandparents, aunties and uncles and retirement age was younger. That is not the case for the majority of families these days.

Maybe she's making a point of telling you how busy she is because she doesn't want to help with childcare any more for some reason and is trying to make it look like she has a reasonable excuse.

What about asking her if she'd do some half days? Maybe the thought of a whole day is putting her off as it can be quite full on and means she can't really get much else done on that day.

@nokidshere Indeed it is common that Grandparents help out, our friends all have help in some way. For context I’ve never asked for anything, no money, no support, lavish gifts unlike some of my peers. I specifically set out to pay for everything myself so she couldn’t hold it against me. I’ve even offered to pay her, something that I can’t really afford but I can make a few cut backs and scrape something together.

Maybe she is feeling peri menopausal?.Is she well generally ,or was there a reason she had to retire so young?.Housework/shopping is no walk in the park!.The older you are the longer it seems to take!.I dont feel she should be complaining to you though.perhaps she is just wanting a chat!.Maybe she offered to help and forgot how tiring it can be with a little one .Ask her again but if she doesnt want to you cant really make her TBH!

@Asta19 Your Dsis sounds lovely. So nice she wants such a close relationship. My DS loves his Nan and often asks to see her. Funny you should say that about help, she’s always said that out of the children I’ll be the one to help her when she is old etc etc.... 😏

my mum does help me with the children, and whilst im grateful, I do also think its the natural order of things. I spent a LOT of time with both of my grandparents. Entire holidays, lunchtimes. My mum was able to work full time because of the help of her mother, friends in the community, and had entire summers free because id stay with my paternal grandmother for most of it.
My partner spent a lot of time with his grandparents too. The only people I know whos parents dont help are generally either those who are estranged or have moved away. The effort you put in as a grandparent means you also have a lifelong connection with your grandchildren, so its also their loss if they dont put any time in.

My exes parents always used to say theyd done their childrearing bit so never helped with ds1. As a result ds1 barely knows them. Their loss.

Can you get a teen in or a mother’s help? They could entertain your toddler while you work on the business and it might be cheaper than nursery especially if they were doing it to gain experience in childcare.

it's difficult for people. I would just try tog et your earnings and your other half#'s earnings (childcare being a cost of men and women of course!) up enough to afford 2 days at nursery or indeed 5 full days like plenty of us full time working parents do.

My parents were hundreds of miles away and my father working full time to age 77 so no help and I work full time so cannot and would not want to help with grandchidren in terms of a day a week or anything like that as I am still working to support younger children and like my job anyway. My mother's mother did not help with us in the 1960s either. I think families just differ in terms of who helps with what.

Have you tried an advert? We did once (at a fair hourly rate) and got 60 local women of all ages keen to do extra hour of babysitting !! Massive demand and lovely people.

@dottiedodah Good thought but that happened years ago and doesn’t seem to be suffering any ill effects. She retired because my Dad’s business started doing well so she didn’t have to work. I think she does find it tiring, I get that but a few hours a week shouldn’t really make too much of a difference. I should have said that it doesn’t have to be a set day a week, any day is helpful and it’s ok to change week to week. I’ve set my business up in a way that I can be as flexible as possible to help deal with issues family life brings!

If work is that flexible can’t you get a sitter or work when your DH is home. Your mum clearly doesn’t want to do formal childcare for you. Maybe nursery can take him earlier if they have room.

Yes indeed that is the plan, things are looking up so I hope it won’t be too long before I can earn more. DH was unhappy in his well paid job before we had the baby so he did a career change. Earning much less but so much happier so we make it work. I’ve become quite the chef to save on food bills! I’m hoping I can hire someone soon too. My aim, once I’m set up and running for a little while longer is to offer flexible employment to men and women to fit around family. One thing I’ve learned since I became a Mummy was there is so much wasted talent as employees aren’t offering flexible opportunities for the talented mums and dads out there. Sorry, slightly off topic but one day!

Sorry @Xenia I meant to tag you in this reply!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss a sitter is a good idea, I’ll have a look and see whether there is anyone local that doesn’t cost a fortune!

Why missed calls? You don't have to call back, let her do her moaning on her dollar. Don't ask her for childcare she clearly doesn't want to

Why don't you just put her on the spot and say 'mum, you mentioned a while back you'd be prepared to watch DC for a day a week to enable me to set up my business. Can you still commit to that, because if not I need to look at other solutions?' If she says 'oh of course', pin her down to a day a week (or half day or whatever) there and then.

If she says no, then as irritating as it is, at least you know, but if she phones, just say 'sorry mum, I'm really busy trying to juggle my business and childcare, I'll have to call you back another time'. And don't be in any hurry to call her back.

As an aside,my DH works very long hours and I work part time from home, which I can sometimes do not during office hours (depends on the urgency of the job). I also have to do all the school runs etc (DH would help, but he is an hour away and doesn't have flexible hours) so until the time that I can make enough to justify paying for childcare, I have to do evenings and weekends when DH is here to sort the kids out. It's not always easy, but it's do-able if you are able to work in non-office hours.
Good luck!

I’m intrigued can you give a rough idea of your business?

For what it’s worth ds1 was 9 weeks old when I started university. My mum wanted to look after him. After 10+ episodes of taking him to her in the morning and having ‘I’m not having him today I have stuff to do’, me and now exdp put him in a nursery. It wasn’t worth the amount of time I had to miss, and as I was doing teacher training, I was on placement when she would do it.

Pain in the arse (Bitch) is an understatement!!

@IsobelRae23 I’d love to but it’s a bit outing 🤣 let’s just say I’m not making anything, rather using my brain to help people. What’s left of it after baby anyway!

Poor you - I feel for you. Well done for cracking on with your training though, especially with such a little one in tow. Hope it’s all worked out for you.

It sounds hard and I would be inclined to agree with pp suggesting pointing out to dm why you don’t have time to take her calls offloading her stresses into you.
I’d also be inclined to cut your losses and not even ask for regular 1/2 day childcare. She may let you down at short notice if she is generally struggling with things at the moment and she may expect you to be her prop emotionally on the phone all the time as well as pay back.
Are you on benefits, can you get any free nursery hours? Or look into a local teenager for 1/2 day/week until dc turns 3?
I think you’re amazing for even setting up a business with a toddler by the way!!

@MummaofH Thank you. Yes managed to graduate, then deciding primary teaching want for me lol. Ended up training adults instead- which was ace!