To ask for help because I’m really struggling...

[MummaofH]

I’ll keep this short as not to drip feed... I have a toddler DS who stays at home with me. I started a business a few months ago as we were not making ends meet. The business is doing really well so we’re in a better position now which I’m very grateful for. The problem is childcare. Before I set up the business my DM said she would take my DS one day per week to help me get my work done. This hasn’t really happened and when I ask she always goes on and on about how busy she is. For context she retired at 40 so her busy is the weekly shop and some cleaning etc. I’ve been coping ok but recently it’s become very difficult to manage a house, business and full time mummy duties. Basically I need a break. DS starts nursery soon one day per week (can’t afford more at the moment but hopefully will do soon). AIBU to ask my DM to look after my toddler one day per week so I can get some work done? I also want to have a chat with her about moaning to me, she’ll ring me daily to say how stressed she is because she’s so busy etc etc. Can’t she see I’m struggling to keep my head above water? Help! AIBU to ask for help?

@IsobelRae23 Well done you 🙌🏼 Glad you’ve found your niche and love it!

I think some people offer to do childcare when a baby is tiny, stays in the same place and is easy. They forget how hard it is when they're toddlers so retract the offer once they realise what they've let themselves in Fitbit.

So I’ve had a moment to calm down and I’ve decided to get a childminder for a morning a week. It will be doable until DS is 3. That way when I’m a millionaire i wish! I can truly say I’m self made 🤣. Thanks for all your replies, you’ve all been really helpful and I’m happy I’ve got a resolution that doesn’t involve relying on DM. I’m definitely giving her a wide berth for a few weeks - save my anxiety for something that really needs it! Thanks again all, much appreciated.

If I was that busy i wouldn't be on the phone each day! Do some prepping and tey to get ahead e.g. if you make spag bol do it twice and freeze one. Put washing on as soon as there is a load. Keep everthing super tidy so cleaning is quick.etc. well done though!!

I'm always at these threads which are always about women running themselves ragged to keep everything going. How about the baby's dad or grandad getting asked to sacrifice some of their energy into childcare?

I firmly believe you should never have children if your plan relies on grand parents for childcare, however any decent parent or PIL should (where feasible - and yours clearly is) be able to identify and offer or at least make known that help is readily available when required. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for help, and if she says no then you know where you stand.

@BlueJava thanks for this. Already do those things, no issues with running the house. That’s no problem. It’s just doing complicated jobs when I’ve got the toddler around. 1/2 a day a week allows me to sort the complicated stuff whilst I have some quiet time, I’ll certainly not be using that time for cleaning or cooking!

@justbeingadad I agree entirely. I’m asking for 1/2 a day a week which I’ll have to get a childminder to help out for if she doesn’t agree. The issue was she said she’d help and then didn’t, plus all the moaning on top. If I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it.

@GetUpAgain no grandad, both passed away sadly. My husband is super and I’m very lucky, he sorts the clothes washing, cooks when I can’t and is home by 5.15 and helps with DS. My issue is as I’ve said before DM promised to help, I’m struggling (sometimes complicated work needs to be sorted in office hours) and it would be amazing if she helped as she said she would. I wouldn’t have started the business without her offering assistance. I’m bitter about it, I know that but it’s just not how I would do things.

@MummaofH

Absolutely, I'd question why she doesn't want to see the child! Sounds like you're better off handling this yourself with a child minder if that's a feasible solution for you.

If you’re not already in receipt of childcare costs through universal credit or tax credits then you are likely entitled to tax free childcare. Basically for every £8 you pay the government will pay £2. Might help a little. www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

@justbeingadad Indeed I think that is the best option. I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t want to see him, just that she doesn’t want to be responsible for him. IDK, I just give up!

I wonder if you could help each other out a bit. If your mum is very busy, maybe you could help her, perhaps she has some jobs you could do quicker than her, or along side her, with your ds around too. That might free up some of her time to help you.

Sorry op, your small is a dick.

Good luck with the business

*dm not small

My husband is super and I’m very lucky, he sorts the clothes washing, cooks when I can’t and is home by 5.15 and helps with DS. Ummm is that not just being a partner/parent/adult? Perhaps if you aimed to be equals you could come up with a solution together? Would you call parenting your own child "helping with them"?