To not want my nieces around my baby?

[uptheapplesandpearss]

I love my nieces they're amazing little girls but..

They're extremely rough and clumsy around my baby. They are 6,5 and 3 so I understand they are young, but they are old enough to know right from wrong surely?

They fight around her a lot, causing them to almost fall on her, they've accidentally hurt her on a few occasions for example, put a doll down next to her and it hit her on the head, but they've also pulled her hair (which I'm fairly sure they knew was wrong).

They constantly fight over holding her (whilst holding her) so I've stopped allowing them to hold her now, because they don't listen when they are told to stop, and tried allowing them to sit next to her while an adult is holding her, but they're still very clumsy and not careful around her and lean on her etc which hurts her.

Another thing that I really dislike is, their hygiene isn't very good (as I'm assuming young children's isn't?) for example, they don't wash their hands after going to the toilet and they refuse when I try to make them. They'll then touch dc face, pick her dummy up by the teat and try to put it back in her mouth.

They're only young so I really understand it's mostly not intentional, but constantly having to watch them so closely is really difficult and stressful. I've tried to tackle to problem by asking them to wash their hands, asking them not to fight, telling them to be careful around her and eventually stopping them from holding her. But I'm at my ends wit.

They're my SILs children, and she doesn't stop them from doing what they're doing, DH says they're only children and don't mean harm (which I know they don't, but it still isn't safe for dc and therefore shouldn't just be allowed imo) and every time I intervene their nan will tell me it's okay and to stop being silly, which is why I think they don't listen.

AIBU to think it's unacceptable and to want to distance them from dc while she's so young and they won't listen? Wwyd in my situation?

It's not like this has been my first solution to the problem, I really have tried to make it work, but like I said they don't listen.

Agree with MumW You’re DH and you need to present a united front. Neither of you are happy about your baby being hurt/handled by children who haven’t washed their hands and you both want it to stop. It sounds like he might be in FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) definitely worth reading up on it. (I come from a very similar family dynamic and reading upon FOG really helped me).
How do Mil & Sil respond when the baby has been hurt? I would be livid if they dismissed that!

DH needs to support you and put you and your baby ahead of potentially hurting the feelings of SIL or whatever he is concerned about.

Even if he does think you are being unreasonable, you should still come first. You should be allowed to be "unreasonably" concerned about your child's safety at this stage!

Can you try and do some evening/adult only things with them, so they get a babysitter, then there won't be any awkwardness about distancing yourselves from the whole clan, as you'd still be spending time with the adults?

I’m very strict with my 3 year old and baby and she is a delight with her. I don’t think you are being PFB at all. Babies have no way of protecting themselves and the children should be super careful around little ones.

If sil gets upset that people call her kids germy do you not say if they washed their hands after going to the loo people wouldn't call them that. It seem ridiculous to get so upset about something (kids being called germy) that is so easily sorted. What does she say when you mention the hand washing?

@NChangingAgain that's a good idea, thank you!

@Bananashake she just gets very defensive, makes silly comments as though we are being nasty to the girls.. says things like "oh we won't come anymore then!"

Hey I’m a mum of two and just to say I’m in your corner. You have produced the most precious thing in the world and don’t feel bad at all for asking for handwashing/not to be rough around your baby etc.
I had a few huffs and puffs from visitors if asking them to wash hands- tough it’s my baby and I’m the one who has to keep it alive and I’m the one up all night if she picks up a tummy bug!!
Agree with others and would say even if dh or no one else is backing you up, be over the top and jokey with nieces etc if possible- “oops! No touching without washing hands, baby’s only little” something like that.
If sil takes offence tough it’s your little baby and she should respect how you want to parent her

I wish I had a solution to offer you, but I was surprised at the first few comments saying you were being precious. I live in Mexico and children are always so careful of babies here. Protect your baby and keep your baby away from your MIL. Your SIL is seriously letting her children down by not giving them an education.

You shouldn’t have to but could you get a sling so they can’t get to your DC when they are there?

Where are you when you see them?

Personally I would just watch the baby yourself and not put down next to neices or let them hold your child.
When mine was little there were 5 older cousins..they didn't really need to hold baby. I didn't put them together except for the odd photo once they were all calm.
Once he got bigger and more used to the noise and movement they would play around him and talk to him in his jumperoo.
Just pull things back a bit till your comfortable

How often do you see them? I can’t believe this is coming up so often.

I think I’d carry on telling them firmly and disregarding your sil. It’s really not the kids fault, it’s the parents. If she says we won’t come again just ignore her or say that’s a shame. What a nightmare! 💐

Hiya! I took my baby to a friend’s house yesterday and she has 3 kids of similar ages and they were a delight around baby, the younger one did get a little bit excited but her mum just took her away from the situation, had a quick word, and then all was fine. I had baby lying on the floor and their were no issues at all. I also have nephews at toddler ages and they are also totally fine around him.
It’s really unfair for people to say that once you have more kids you’ll be less bothered blah blah, this is my first and I’m generally quite relaxed but if little kids weren’t washing their hands after the loo and we’re leaning on him, jumping around and hurting him etc I’d be livid and they wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near him.
It’s just plain bad parenting to be honest. I’m with pp and I’d just keep a hold of baby myself and not let them near until they learn some manners and it’s tough shit if his family aren’t happy.

Omg I would insist on hand washing too.

That's pretty gross that the parents don't enforce this, such a bad example to their young children not to instil this at a young age. Lazy parenting!

YANBU

They should definitely be getting guidance from their parents. I'd be mortified if my DC acted like that round a wee baby and would step in to move them away or show them how to be gentle. Over and over till they got it.

Hand washing after toilet is non-negotiable, wtf?

My older 2 were that age when DC3 was born and despite 3yo DS2 being so excited about 'his baba' he listened really well and was always gentle. They did sometimes crash about a bit, that's normal, but not the parents not stopping them.

Every mum I know is happy to tell DC getting in their baby's face to back off and be gentle so you are not being OTT at all.

I even think that, so what if some of things you want aren’t totally necessary. (Even though the vast majority are - health and safety are non negotiable).

It’s your baby and you totally get the right to put down your lines that won’t be crossed.

I don't like one off my nephews near my two DC. He ON purpose hurts my eldest who is 3. Even if my child tells his mother what he has done he'll say no whilst laughing and there will be no telling him off/time out. It's almost like he gets a thrill out of hurting because he laughs and smiles.

So we don't have days out or go round because of this unless it's for a special occasion and then I follow them around making sure my children are ok. So maybe try and distance your self a bit? Sounds like they are kids just being kids but they should listen if you are asking them to be careful etc?

Also as a new mum it’s difficult to assert control sometimes. You feel like other people judge you. And they do, but it’s just a learning process.

I’ve found that relatives can be quite bossy with mothers who are not naturally bossy, like possibly you OP?

My own family are very thoughtful, never had a problem. With the ILs... well I do think often there’s a bit of a ‘fight’ and judging, as their way of parenting gets foisted onto you. Through either their own children being naughtier or whatever. I’ve found it difficult but second time around I’ve just taken charge. As the main Carers, whether we are the mother or father, we can absolutely steer our own ship.

Well no surprises there then, uptheapples - looks like you'll have to talk to your DH about being in FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and trying to keep the peace with his mother and sister, which will never work unless he completely subjugates himself to their demands.

Whatever he does, he's never going to "win" with his mother, or sister. So the only thing he CAN do is back away completely, stop trying to win their approval, and look after you and your (both your) child properly. IF that means less contact with his mother and sister, then that's the way it has to be and he has to find a way to come to terms with that.

I would severely reduce contact with your SIL and MIL under these circumstances, and I would make sure that you have a say in where you meet up with them, so that you can keep your baby safer.

Could you arrange to meet them at a soft play area? The girls will be too busy playing to be concerned with your dd and too old to be in the baby section alongside her- meaning you can relax and not worry about your dn climbing all over your dd. Even better, you can send your dh in to play with your dn’s! For the foreseeable future that would be where I would meet them- soft play on the days where weather isn’t great or the park on nicer days.

Distraction is your friend here! Obviously you will have hand sanitiser for yourself in these places, if your dn are anything like my kids they will each be drawn immediately to the hand sanitiser-(maybe it’s just my kids who still at 10 and 12 love hand sanitiser) If you are lucky your mil won’t want to join you on these activities.

You definitely need a sling, wear dd strapped up on your chest, just say ‘she is going through a clingy phase’ if the girls ask to hold her. Or she can be sleeping in the pram. ‘We don’t wake sleeping babies’ then encourage your dh to entertain his dn’s.

Lots of people don't like the dn for very good reason...their mum hasn't taught them how to behave.

Your DH & his family are a bit useless at hearing you, aren't they OP?

every time I intervene their nan will tell me it's okay and to stop being silly

"MiL, please don't presume to tell me how to look after my own child, & it's not silly to not want unwashed hands pulling my baby's hair or fiddling with her bottle."

Until you speak up, this lot are going to ride as rough-shod over you as they allow their DD's to treat your baby. If they still refuse to listen to you - pack up & go home. They are being very disresepctful & cavalier.

my problem is DH doesn't agree with me and would know nothing was wrong with DC so we would probably end up seeing them anyway!

Why? Is he a Stepford Husband? Do you have to accompany him everywhere, & go where he tells you to go?

I have tried a few things you have suggested, it's just when SIL hears they are asked to wash their hands before holding baby etc, she takes massive offence

Then let her.
Her offence is her problem.

If your DH (and seemingly your SIL) don't see a problem, and the harm to your DC is apparent only to you, are you sure not not being a bit PFB?

For goodness sake, did you not read the OP?
Hair-pulling, fighting while holding the baby, not washing hands after the loo then handling the teat on the baby's bottle ... these things are "only apparent" to the OP, so she's clearly in the wrong?

Sounds horrible.

If it helps, you can say nearly anything to small children as long as you put 'darling' on the end.

Also I've never met a kid who didn't like one of those aquarium handwash pump things with the turtle or what have you in it.

You are perfectly entitled to tell your nieces they can hold the baby one at a time only when sitting nicely. Or not at all if you prefer, but you are actually doing them a favour by teaching them how to act around small babies.