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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there’s something in this?

60 replies

MyMindsTellingMeNo · 29/08/2019 08:50

This is going to make me sound a bit odd.

There was a guy at work, we dated for a few months then things ended.

When I first met him I just ‘knew’ from the first time I saw him that we would be together. I never told him how I felt about him and he never told me. It was two years after we met that we ended up dating. He left the job and I didn’t see him for about a year but I still never had any doubts about us being together, I ‘knew’ he would be back even though we didn’t keep in touch and I had no way of really knowing what he was up to. We started dating a few months after he came back to the job.

Now since we split up I’ve always felt like we’ll get back together. At first I thought ok I just miss him and hoped things would work out after liking him for so long and that feeling would pass once I started getting over him. But now it’s been a few months and that feeling hasn’t passed. It’s hard to explain but I feel like I’m just ‘waiting’ for him to be ready to try again. I’m not really waiting for him and we aren’t still in contact but I just can’t shake that feeling and I’m not sure why.

Am I mad? Or is just because subconsciously I want him back that’s making me feel like that? Has anyone had feelings about someone like that before?

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 29/08/2019 08:57

You’ve already split twice? It sounds quite odd, tbh, you split when he left the job and got back together when he returned? Why did changing jobs mean your relationship was over?
Has he now changed jobs again Confused

Bubsworth · 29/08/2019 09:42

I had the same feeling when a new guy started at work. Apparently the feeling was mutual and he's now my husband :)

Original poster
MyMindsTellingMeNo · 29/08/2019 09:57

@HeadintheiClouds no we haven’t split twice. We hadn’t got together before he left but him leaving never made me think that was it and we wouldn’t be together, I always ‘knew’ he would be back and I would see him again.

@Bubsworth aww that’s lovely I’m glad things worked out for you Smile

It’s hard to explain but it’s like when I’m trying to move on from him something in my head is just saying you need to wait until he’s ready to try again or I’ll be doing something completely unreleated to him and get these really strong feelings of I wish he would just hurry up and realise so we can be together. But I’m aware that’s probably wishful thinking a bit on my part too, it’s just that I’ve always had those feelings about him before and they’ve been right so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyMindsTellingMeNo · 29/08/2019 09:58

@HeadintheiClouds and no sorry he hasn’t left the job again, he’s still there.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 29/08/2019 11:54

But you’re “not still in contact”? What does that mean, given that you’re once again working together?

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 11:56

Why did you split up?
Is he moving on?

Jemima232 · 29/08/2019 11:58

You may be right about this.

But has he got a new GF?

Doyoumind · 29/08/2019 11:59

I think it's wishful thinking, and I say that as someone who has had very similar thoughts and situations.

KUGA · 29/08/2019 12:29

Theres a reason youve split up twice.
Move on .

Original poster
MyMindsTellingMeNo · 29/08/2019 13:20

We haven’t split up twice. We worked together, nothing happened between us, he left the job (not me) for a year then came back to the same job so we are working together again. We got together when he came back to the job so I still work with him, we’re polite but don’t talk as friends like we used to.

@HeadintheiClouds we’re not in contact outside of work, don’t text and are just professional at work, not friendly or stopping for a chat etc.

@Jemima232 no he hasn’t got a GF as far as I’m aware.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 29/08/2019 14:04

You're not even friends anymore? I don't think it's going to be some whirlwind romance somehow. Let it go.

Original poster
MyMindsTellingMeNo · 29/08/2019 14:28

@AmIThough no not friends at the moment but the break up hasn’t been that long so who knows if we will be again.

It’s not that I think it’s a mistake and expect us to be together again. It’s that I’ve always had the same feelings about him, knowing we would be together, knowing I would see him again and now feeling like this over us getting back together. I don’t know really how to explain it, it doesn’t feel like hope, it feels like a deep sense of knowing. And I know how that sounds when it’s written down!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 29/08/2019 14:33

I think you've wanted things to work and convinced yourself that it will, and because things have gone 'right' a couple of times you've convinced yourself this gut feeling is right, when really it has just been a coincidence.

Why did you split? If you couldn't split and remain friends I don't see your relationship being strong enough for you to end up together, I'm sorry.

whattodowith · 29/08/2019 14:33

Was the relationship even that good if you broke up after a few months? What am I missing here? Confused

CharlesChickens · 29/08/2019 14:34

Hmm, well I had those feelings very strongly about my DH. We also split up for a year, then bumped into each other by chance and started having some occasional contact just as friends. After another year we got back together, that was twenty years ago.
So you may be right, only time will tell. Don’t let it stop you getting on with your life though.
Can’t you see each other as friends ?
Why did you break up?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 29/08/2019 14:43

Quite honestly you do sound a bit mad I mean things like

From the first time I saw him I knew we’d be together 🙄
He left and we didn’t keep in contact but I knew he’d be back 🙄
I’m now waiting for him to try again 🙄

You aren’t even in contact FFS, life isn’t a fairytale all these “feelings” are in your head. You’ve built this up in to something it wasn’t then you went out and it FAILED you broke up after just a few months, So wasn’t that great together then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Let it go.........

CatSmize · 29/08/2019 14:44

Why did you split up? Often when someone splits up with us, rather than viceversa, we still have that feeling of unfinished business.

SophieSong · 29/08/2019 14:44

I did feel this way about someone in my life. I still felt that way for a good year after we split up. It was this feeling that he was 'meant' to be in my life and me in his somehow.

I actually still believe that yea, we were 'meant' for each other - for a while. But in the long run, no. We split for very good reasons and it was right that we did.

Now about 2.5 years on, I don't feel that way at all, and actually am in the process of building something with someone new which so far blows the socks off what me and my ex had.

So it might well be that yes you were meant to be in each other's lives for a time, and what you are feeling now is a hangover from that. The only way to tell will be time. But don't write off dating or moving on because you are hanging on for him. Keep moving and living your life.

5foot5 · 29/08/2019 14:44

DH and I used to be friends with a couple (let's call them Nick and Ann) who we met through work, i.e. all four of us worked for the same company.

Ann once told me that on her first day when she was being shown around the office she took one look at Nick and thought "That is the man I am going to marry".

Indeed she did!

However, after a few years they got divorced and he married someone else Sad

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/08/2019 14:59

Why did you break up OP?

I'd say its unlikely anything more is going to happen if he is fairly cool towards you at work and you're not even really friends. Sorry.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 29/08/2019 15:04

Has anyone had feelings about someone like that before?

Yes, and all our friends said we would probably randomly meet up in the future and live happily ever after they were so convinced we should be together.

He briefly crossed my mind the night before my wedding. I’ve been married now 20 years to someone else.

QualCheckBot · 29/08/2019 15:07

When I first met him I just ‘knew’ from the first time I saw him that we would be together

I've had a similar feeling and after an on-off type relationship we are now together, 15 years after first meeting and having this feeling.

Your thread possibly won't go that well on here, because I get the impression that most mumsnetters have very linear relationships that follow very standard paths and timescales. In the case of my one, he was put off initially because he was financially struggling for the first few years (this wasn't important to me at all but it was to him as he likes to treat me etc). He too went through periods of appearing to be "cool" but admitted it was all an act (I never fell for it anyway). At times we were not in contact but neither of us could forget each other!

Again, many mumsnetters appear to follow very strict rules with regards to relationships and won't understand this.

Original poster
MyMindsTellingMeNo · 29/08/2019 15:14

@P1nkHeartLovesCake I know it sounds mad! I can’t think how to describe it apart from just knowing, he walked into the office and there was just this really strong thought in my head of you’re going to be with him one day... and we were. And when he left I wasn’t sad and felt like I’d missed my chance with him because the thought of you’ll see him again one day was stronger. Even down to the day he was back, I knew I’d see him that day and there he was.

I don’t think I’m making this just about him. This has happened to me before when my sister had her baby. I always felt he would be born on the same day as my dads anniversary. That would have made him 5 weeks premature so was unlikely. But I knew it would happen and it did, he was born the same day as my dads anniversary. I’d bought all my new presents for her early and the rest of the family were making fun of me for being prepared too early but in my head was always the thought of no I’m not because he’s going to be born then.

I’m not waiting around for him though, I’m trying to move on and am doing things with other people but I get this almost impatient overwhelming feeling of wanting him to just hurry up and realise Grin

OP posts:
CatSmize · 29/08/2019 15:19

OP, why aren't you saying why you broke up? I would say that's pretty important!

HeadintheiClouds · 29/08/2019 15:20

Can you explain why him leaving his job also ended your relationship, op? When he left you didn’t feel sad because you had a strong feeling you’d see him again sounds very odd Confused.
What did he say when he left (both you and work)?
It might sound nasty but was he aware that you thought the two of you were together??