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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find him infuriating

78 replies

littleyellowjuicecup · 29/08/2019 08:49

So every week I do the food shop. I take 2 toddlers with me, do the shop and arrive home as DH gets home from work. He then packs the shopping away.
I’m just getting mightily annoyed with his constant lack of care when putting things away.
He wastes us so much money on a weekly basis because he puts things in the wrong place.
This weeks effort was putting the pot of chilled carbonara sauce in a cupboard instead of the fridge to find 2 days later, a cook from frozen meat joint that specifies it must be kept frozen was put in the fridge so needed chucking as I’m not sure if you can cook from chilled.
The bottle of fresh chilled orange juice ended up in a cupboard along with some dairylea dunkers.
It pisses me off that we have probably wasted £10 this week on fresh food that needs to be chucked.
It’s the same with the laundry. I wash and he puts away. This week I’ve found jumpers in the pyjamas drawer, and pyjama tops in with the t-shirts so it takes me forever to find coordinating items.
Went to take the kids swimming last week, but couldn’t find their armbands. They were in the garage with the paddling pool toys 🤷‍♀️
He is a 40 year old man and acts like a man child. Why can he not put stuff away in the correct places???

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 29/08/2019 09:35

a cook from frozen meat joint that specifies it must be kept frozen was put in the fridge so needed chucking as I’m not sure if you can cook from chilled

Of course you could have cooked this. Why throw it away rather than do a quick Google?

dollydaydream114 · 29/08/2019 09:39

Mildly annoying that he put a chilled product in the cupboard but equally I'm sure I've absent-mindedly done that myself a few times.

I couldn't bring myself to get worked up about pyjama tops going into the t-shirts drawer, to be honest. It's hardly the end of the world, is it? Confused

dollydaydream114 · 29/08/2019 09:40

He does this because he doesn't want to help and doesn't give a damn about you.

Don't be ridiculous. What a ludicrous overreaction to someone putting some crap in the wrong bloody cupboard.

Tolleshunt · 29/08/2019 09:44

If he was this careless at work he’d be sacked.

He’s either doing it deliberately in the hope he’ll eventually get out of doing anything at home, or he has decided hole chores are unimportant, and your time (sorting out his fuck-ups) is worth far less than his.

I’d be sitting him down and asking him which it is, and why he thought he is more important than me. If he dared come out with the ‘do it yourself’ line, not only would I be stopping doing anything for him (as what’s sauce for the goose is clearly sauce for the gander), but I would be giving him a full and dank appraisal of his character. He’s acting like a lazy teenager in his own home.

Tolleshunt · 29/08/2019 09:45

Hole=home
Dank=frank

Sigh.

Jog22 · 29/08/2019 09:50

What Tolleshunt said. This explains the situation;
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

SignedUpJust4This · 29/08/2019 09:57

'at least he tries' that's bullshit. Don't do the food shop. When he asks what's for dinner tell him 'you could always go food shopping yourself'. Don't do anything and when he asks why just use that line. Or act incompetent. State at the washing machine with a confused look on his face and ask him to do it for you.

Bookworm4 · 29/08/2019 09:58

@Tolleshunt
🤣🤣 I was for a minute going down the wrong road there regards ‘hole chores’ 😳

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/08/2019 10:01

He's a lazy arse and you need to stop doing things for him til he can start contributing to the adult jobs around the house in any kind of way.

My 13 year old can put the shopping away if I'm not home to do it, so either your DH is stupid or just doesn't care. And either way I couldn't tolerate it.

DoomsdayCult · 29/08/2019 10:03

@Andysbestadventure has the best advice. Use colour coded shopping bags. Make it idiot-proof and your DH will have no excuse to screw things up.
Incidentally, my DH is baffled by laundry too. So he does the ironing. We all individually put away our clothes...including the kids.

Tolleshunt · 29/08/2019 10:04

Bookworm Grin

DoomsdayCult · 29/08/2019 10:06

Advice about doing petty tit for tat things I would only follow if you actually want to worsen your relationship to the point of a divorce.

It is also bad for children to see such a “war” between parents of deliberate provoking and insulting behaviour.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 29/08/2019 10:06

Go to Aldi. Buy 1 blue bag, 1 yellow, 1 green, 1 red.

Blue bags go in the freezer
Yellow the cupboards
Green the fridge
Red the cleaning/bathroom stuff.

Stick a sign on the fridge.

This is genius. A modified version will be implemented in my house, thank you!

Mushroomparty · 29/08/2019 10:07

Cook him the pizza that he left in the cupboard for three days.
Serve his tea with the milk that was not in the fridge.
Cook the badly defrosted meat for him.

When he's done with the endless diarrhea, maybe he'll understand that some stuff need to be at the right place. It's not "your way", it's the "right way".

Actually, when he asks for a cup of tea, make it NOT the way he likes it. "You didn't put enough sugar" ==> Do it yourself, then.
Same with food, his washing (doesn't he like grey shirts? Could have washed them himself), etc.

Or just tell him : "Do you think it's reasonable to put cheese in the cupboard? Why did you do that? Now it's ruined. No, I won't do it myself. I've done the shopping, you do the putting away. We're in 2019, not 1930."

Another way : when his friends, your friends or his family are around, make jokes about it. "Hahaha, DH is so useless ! He doesn't know that frozen food goes in the freezer ! HAHAHAHAHA". Make everyone laugh at his mistakes. Maybe that'll help him realize he's being ridiculous.

Seriously, I'm so tired with the "If you don't like it my way, do it yourself". It's just another way of saying "I can't be arsed to do things properly, so just do it yourself while I watch TV." Fuck that.

Herocomplex · 29/08/2019 10:08

dollydaydream I don’t follow your logic. If you went to the fridge for orange juice to find someone had put it in the cupboard and it was undrinkable, you’d just throw it away and have something else. Wouldn’t you ask the person who’d done it to be more careful? And then they did it again, and again. Still not important?

Jemima232 · 29/08/2019 10:09

You're suffering from Disorganised Spouse Syndrome.

They don't do it on purpose but they have the organisational skills of a gnat.

I wouldn't let him near the washing or putting away if he can't do it properly. That would drive me bonkers.

Ask him to do something else while you do it.

Siennabear · 29/08/2019 10:20

A bit off the point but a watched a money saving program and the orange juice already chilled is a big con. It’s more expensive than the one just on the shelf as it appears fresher but is exactly the same. So you didn’t need to bin this. It’s basically sugar and water and wouldn’t go off.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 29/08/2019 10:21

Fucking hell, some people set the bar very low in their relationships.

It's not unreasonable in the least to expect a grown adult with (presumably) a job and children, to be able to put food in the correct place and work a washing machine. Aren't these basics of looking after children - making sure they have clean clothes and not giving them food poisoning?

Someone like this doesn't have enough respect for their spouse (and the DC) to make the most basics of effort, instead he just expects someone else to do it for him. It's disrespectful and it's fucking lazy.

I couldn't bring myself to shag anyone, let alone live with, anyone who didn't care for me enough to make the tiniest amount of effort to have an equal relationship. Especially when OP has asked again and again, by the sounds of it. What a prince amongst men.

Are these people saying "at least he's making an effort" and "do it yourself" Hmmbringing up their DC (especially male, lets be honest here!) to be so fucking lazy and expect their partner to literally do their washing and cleaning? I would be ashamed if my DC grew up like this.

Gatehouse77 · 29/08/2019 10:25

I pack my bags with unpacking in mind - all fridge stuff together, freezer, fresh fruit/veg, store cupboard, etc. I make this easy by loading the conveyor belt accordingly. It makes unpacking quick and simple. There are rogue items occasionally!

With laundry I’m far more particular. I’ve discovered/decided that none of my family can do it to my satisfaction and it ended up with my raging inwardly. So I’ve stopped asking and do it myself. If something isn’t done then they are welcome to take on their own! But don’t touch mine 🤬

Bookworm4 · 29/08/2019 10:25

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles
Very well said!
My DC have all grew up doing chores, laundry, vacuuming, floors, bins etc these tasks aren’t difficult. My other pet hate is the ‘I can’t cook’ gang, yes you can, can you read? Then follow a recipe/instructions; all of this is just a lazy get out. Men especially need to stop expecting wife/mother to manage every bloody job.

Flappyfishy · 29/08/2019 10:26

I agree with Mushroomparty.

At the moment, what's his consequence of being completely incompetent? Nothing...

I'd cook him the pizza that he leaves in the cupboard and I'd cook the badly defrosted meat. If he has a few stomach upsets, perhaps he'll see the cause and affect as the 'speaking to him like a rational adult' doesn't seem to be working.

Colour coded bags? really... why so much additional Wife work? Can't a man of 40 work out where things go? I don't think I'd be able to find someone who couldn't put things away, attractive... Hmm

LellyMcKelly · 29/08/2019 10:31

He’s a lazy arse. Cook him all the going off food. Do not let him get away with strategic competence. This is not rocket science. I’ll bet he manages to hold down a responsible job. If he pulls the ‘well, you could do it yourself please line respond with ‘or you could learn to do it properly. You’re not that stupid’.

Ponoka7 · 29/08/2019 10:37

"His response to the shopping is usually “well you could always put it away yourself”"

Which is precisely why he's doing what he is doing.

If he fucks up and wastes noney, it comes off his spends and not yours.

Are we really saying that Adult men can't run their own hones? So there's residential units for people with severe LDs and Adult men, now?

If you died would all your children be taken into care?

I'm amazed, are those men working in packing/warehouse/cleaning and shelf stacking, extra special and should really be the ones on top wages because they outshine the rest?

We've really got things backwards haven't we?

Graphista · 29/08/2019 10:39

He's taking the piss!

He's doing this so that you'll get frustrated and hopefully decide "it's easier to do it myself"

TELL him you know what he's playing at and he needs to grow the Fuck up and stop being a passive aggressive, selfish, lazy twat!

I'm assuming he manages to do similarly "challenging" tasks at work no problem?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

Ask him very directly why he doesn't give a fuck about your efforts and your family's need for him to act like the grown ass adult he IS and cut this crap out.

It's been mentioned on other threads, though I haven't seen the thread referred to, but apparently one mner started every time her man pulled similar crap she did an "impression" of him, voicing his attitude/thoughts every time she had to do something because he couldn't be arsed to do it or do it properly, something like

"Fuck littleyellow, why should I put the shopping away properly/put the laundry away properly/put the kids armbands in a sensible place?! I'm the man she's the woman/wife/mother that should be her job! Such jobs are beneath my manly pride and her needs and our kids needs don't Fucking matter only mine do!"

Because with his actions - THAT is exactly what he's saying!

He thinks he shouldn't have to do such menial work at all, he's better than you and he thinks you're unreasonable for even thinking he should do such things.

You could make things very awkward for him and nobody would blame you. My ex tried this type of nonsense once for a month just after we married. I told him I wouldn't stand for it got a "yea yea whatever" type response, I stopped doing anything that benefitted him and I definitely stopped anything that could be described as a "favour" that included anything from fetching him a cuppa when I made myself one to his laundry to not taking phone messages for him. Within a week he'd run out of clothes, had got in trouble at work for not having clean uniform, had missed out on an event he was looking forward to because of the phone thing (I did tell the person to call back when he'd be home, they chose not to as it was inconvenient to them and the call was due to ex not doing something they should have done anyway). There was an almighty row and he "ran crying" to his mother! Thankfully his mother is great, read between the lines of his painting himself as a victim to understand what really happened, asked to speak to me and listened to my side, asked to be passed back to him and gave him an almighty bollocking for being a lazy selfish git! He apologised and didn't do it again.

But I have seen SO MANY family/friends put up with crap like this and umpteen threads on here of examples.

Why women tolerate it I don't really understand.

My dd has been putting shopping away competently since she was 11, doing her own laundry since about 12/13, I've several men in my friends/family who are/were single parents who manage to run their own households very well, having a dick doesn't render you incapable of washing laundry competently!

He's at it!

"Fucking hell, some people set the bar very low in their relationships." Very much so, sadly especially women.

"My other pet hate is the ‘I can’t cook’ gang, yes you can, can you read? Then follow a recipe/instructions;" while this is true generally I have at least one friend (female) who genuinely cannot cook, she has tried really hard over the years to learn but she's genuinely a liability! She can barely be trusted with a ready meal and microwave! Her parents are both excellent cooks her brother is a chef! But the last time she tried to cook from scratch she had to get a new kitchen! There's also I've found both from discussions on here and people of a certain age in real life who've "fallen through the cracks" on this skill, they were not taught to cook by parents, didn't have decent cookery lessons at school and so feel very out of their depth, they worry they don't know how the food should look while cooking and worry about food safety too. It's gradually improving but there's a certain demographic who've really been let down on this score.

Parents need to take responsibility for producing these incompetent adults, something else I also see a lot on mn is mothers (but I'm not excusing fathers, just it's mainly mothers posting) mollycoddling their kids and not expecting them to learn how to do chores, and it IS far more prevalent with boys. I've even seen posts where the poster has children of both sexes and they expect the girls to "help out" but not the boys.

ControversialFerret · 29/08/2019 10:41

God how on earth do you find a bloke like this attractive? Laziness is such a turn-off.

There is zero excuse for not putting frozen food in the freezer. It's not rocket science. Does he have a job? Is he this stupid and willfully unhelpful at work?

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