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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has mortgage with ex

95 replies

Mortgageproblems101 · 28/08/2019 22:45

NC for this as I don't know if she is on here

DP was in a relationship 3 years ago, and he was buying a house with his ex (it was already her house but she needed to remortgage for some reason and her salary wasn't enough to cover the mortgage so he Co signed for it) when he found out she was having an affair. They were days from completion and she stood to lose a lot of money so he completed the purchase and never moved in. We got together not long after.

They had a fixed term for 5 years and a 25 year mortgage. We now want to buy somewhere together, but can't as he is tied to this mortgage with her. He's contacted her and she says she can't afford to buy him out and so can't do anything. So he's tied to a 25 year mortgage that she can't afford (in the eyes of the bank, although he's never paid a penny towards it, she pays it all herself) with no plan to get out of it.

He'd never owned a house before and stupidly didn't realise that he is now screwed for 25 years, he thought after 5 years he could just get off of it. Idiot.

He didn't realise it was a problem until now. He has also signed a letter to her saying that he has no interest in anything financially for the house. Angry I think, wtf?! What if she stops paying the mortgage? He's screwed and so am I.

She's now playing a sob story, I've told him he needs to seek legal advice, and if she can't afford a mortgage on that house she should bloody well sell it.

Anyone have any idea how we can we resolve this?

Also I'm so pissed off AIBU to insist that he forces her to sell it and buy a smaller place that she can actually afford, which is what I had to do when I split up with my ExDH. Not that he wants a penny of the house, he just wants to be free so we can move forward. For sake of clarity she has no children.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/08/2019 00:19

I've known about it for a while and told him to sort it out, but she gave a sob story then and he didn't want her to lose her house. I think he now agrees with me that it's not his bloody problem, but she refuses to engage in a conversation about it.

Have you actually spoken to her yourself or is this all coming from him? I’d be inclined to contact her yourself and see what she says.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/08/2019 00:21

I mean it’s all coming across as she’s a selfish, manipulative shrew and he’s just too nice. Which of course is how he wants you to see it but from an outsiders perspective and someone who has read enough MN threads to know a tale when it’s been spun I think he’s not the only one with his head in the sand here.

Original poster
Mortgageproblems101 · 29/08/2019 00:24

He's shown me the messages that have been sent. She said she has no plan and doesn't know how she can get a mortgage on her own. Now they've changed the eligibility of mortgages to having an affordability test, she can't prove enough income to get enough of a mortgage. Even though she can pay the mortgage. It's ridiculous but it's higher than 5 times her annual salary and so they won't lend it to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mortgageproblems101 · 29/08/2019 00:26

I don't thinks she's a selfish manipulative shrew at at. I get that she doesn't want to sell her home, who would want to. But she can't afford it, and when the fixed term comes to an end in 2 years she certainly can't afford to pay that.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/08/2019 00:29

So she wasn’t giving him a sob story then, just stating the facts.

Japanesejazz · 29/08/2019 00:29

More red flags here than at the village fete. Who's the lender OP?

Original poster
Mortgageproblems101 · 29/08/2019 00:39

Oh a sob story came with it. I don't want to say on here exactly what it was though.

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 29/08/2019 00:43

In all honesty, dump him. He's so stupid, do you really want to be with a guy this thick?

Even if she sells the house, the chances of them both getting the amount needed to pay off the mortgage is slim, due to interest and then fees for early repayment I think would be involved. So he's tied to a mortgage regardless.

Also this:

He has also signed a letter to her saying that he has no interest in anything financially for the house.

I think has probably just screwed him completely. I'd imagine her solicitor will use it against him, or at least try costing him more money.

A mortgage company is unlikely to remove him just because he hasn't personally paid. All she has to say is she can't afford it, and they will keep him as a back up just incase.

She isn't going to sell. It's her home, why should she? He's the moron that signed a mortgage deal with a woman he didn't want to be with.

Be with him if you want, but considering how thick he is, I think you can do better. Good luck.

Sunflowers211 · 29/08/2019 00:44

Buy her out or force a sale through Court.

Japanesejazz · 29/08/2019 00:46

But who is the leader OP?

Japanesejazz · 29/08/2019 00:46

Lender!

SandyY2K · 29/08/2019 00:48

I would have no sympathy if my DP was cheating and I was lucky enough to find out days before signing on a mortgage with them.

I'd be jumping for joy that I wasn't going to tied to them in any way, shape or form.

I'd be worried this level of stupidity makes him not such a safe person to build a life with.

I'd get a mortgage on your own if you can. Let him sign that he doesn't own any share and he can pay you rent.

Problem may come if you marry him though.

Could he tell.her he wants to buy a place with you and needs out of that mortgage or he may have to seek legal action to force a sale?

Original poster
Mortgageproblems101 · 29/08/2019 01:04

@SandY2K Could he tell.her he wants to buy a place with you and needs out of that mortgage?

Yeah he said that. She said, she doesn't have a way to afford it.

He's not thick, just didn't think it mattered at the time.

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 29/08/2019 01:10

Ah so the 5 year fixed isn't up, well actually I think that changes things a bit as she will likely have 3% fees to get out of the deal.
I think I'd send a formal letter recorded delivery (just so it makes her realise it is really happening rather than just a text which really means nothing) saying something like...
Miss x xxx
In the matter of the joint ownership of number x streetname I have taken legal advice and have no other option so will be starting legal action to force the sale of said property. This will end up costing both parties more in fees and the time scale will be much shorter and any offer will need to be accepted.
I don't feel that I have any choice in this as I cannot get a mortgage myself without being removed from this mortgage and while I was willing to help you in the start this is no longer a fair situation.
If you would like a month to see if any mortgage company would consider you as a solo mortgage applicant or if you could get a family member or friend to be a joint owner with you or to look for an alternative home that costs less so that you could afford the mortgage please let me know otherwise I will be filing the appropriate documentation to start the sale.
I understand that you will be upset by this and I do not want to upset you however it isn't fair that I cannot move on or purchase my own home. With regards

You need this sorted. What a ridiculous situation. House prices going up and you can't get on the ladder due to an ex and a house he didn't even live in!

IAmNotAWitch · 29/08/2019 01:16

Yeah, you really don't want to tie yourself financially this guy. He is either thick or lying.

It all certainly sounds like a problem, but none of it is your problem right now and you would be pretty stupid to get involved in any way.

HiJenny35 · 29/08/2019 01:21

Sorry to disagree with you op but yes he's very stupid. He knew ex cheated and that they weren't staying together yet he signed for a mortgage for a house that he had no intention of living in. He then allowed her to live in the house unchallenged for years. He signed a letter for her stating that he wanted no profit from the property meaning that although she is benefiting from increased house prices he can't. He has no documentation so she could borrow more, be defaulting, stop paying instalments, anything and he wouldn't know. If the house gets repossessed that will go down as his house too and he will struggle to get another mortgage at best as worst could end up bankrupt. A vast amount of stupidity and he doesn't seem that bothered about sorting it.

Japanesejazz · 29/08/2019 01:23

Still waiting on who the lender is OP?

Dippypippy1980 · 29/08/2019 01:27

Sorry op, but your statement that he’s not thick he just didn’t think it mattered is contradictory.

Signing for a mortgage matters. It has house legal and financial consequences. If he didn’t think this mattered then I am sorry but he is really quite stupid.

Seemstress · 29/08/2019 01:30

Same situation here...DP still in mortgage with his ex partner 13 yrs after leaving. They weren't married and house worth 450k in joint names. He tried to get her to but him out about 10yrs ago but she refused and have an up a 3k legal bill with nothing to show for it. Since then she has got married, both have very well paid jobs yet still refuse to finalise any pay off. She actually asked him last year to sign a new mortgage agreement borrowing more money for a kitchen extension...I was utterly gobsmacked and so was he - he told her in no uncertain terms to fuck off and buy him out. Again she's just ignored it as she feels that he is entitled to nothing as he was the one that left. There are 2 children of the union, one special needs, which is the main reason my DP hasn't actively pursued it as a judge would never have ordered her to see up until both were out of education but it's getting close to that. I've no intention of marrying my DP until he sorts his financial shit out with the ex, our finances are separate and he lives in a rented property and I own mine outright. I love him dearly but he has adopted a total head in the sand approach to getting this mess sorted. Sorry to hijack but I am also at a loss as to what to do.

Blueoasis · 29/08/2019 01:37

Sorry to disagree with you op but yes he's very stupid. He knew ex cheated and that they weren't staying together yet he signed for a mortgage for a house that he had no intention of living in. He then allowed her to live in the house unchallenged for years. He signed a letter for her stating that he wanted no profit from the property meaning that although she is benefiting from increased house prices he can't. He has no documentation so she could borrow more, be defaulting, stop paying instalments, anything and he wouldn't know. If the house gets repossessed that will go down as his house too and he will struggle to get another mortgage at best as worst could end up bankrupt. A vast amount of stupidity and he doesn't seem that bothered about sorting it.

This.

OP, you are sticking your head in the sand too over this. He is up shit creek without a paddle financially. Get out of this mess while you can.

LakieLady · 29/08/2019 01:42

Same situation here...DP still in mortgage with his ex partner 13 yrs after leaving. They weren't married and house worth 450k in joint names. He tried to get her to but him out about 10yrs ago but she refused and have an up a 3k legal bill with nothing to show for it. Since then she has got married, both have very well paid jobs yet still refuse to finalise any pay off.

God, that's messy. I wonder if her husband has any rights to her share of the property?

meyouandlulutoo · 29/08/2019 01:54

When we had a mortgage, the lender sent 2 copies of correspondence to our address, one addressed to my DH, and the other to myself. I think this is normal practice for joint loans. Your DP needs to contact the lender and get a copy of all future correspondence sent to his current address.

Butchyrestingface · 29/08/2019 02:16

Sorry OP, I’m with PP. He sounds seriously thick or a liar and completely passive and disinterested in things that have the ability to greatly affect his life.

I wouldn’t be getting a mortgage with him even if he is able to extricate himself.

Durgasarrow · 29/08/2019 03:22

Are you two married? Don't buy any property with someone you're not married to. There may be different legalities involved. I know that there are in the U.S. And it is silly to buy property with a romantic partner you're not married to in any case. Why don't you buy property in your name and he can pay you rent?

Durgasarrow · 29/08/2019 03:23

If you want to stay with this guy, you need to get your own legal advice, not his legal advice through his job. You need to protect yourself, because something about this whole situation smells like three day old fish.

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