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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is cruel and not know how to cope on the day.

52 replies

FrankieDoyle · 28/08/2019 17:47

I posted a few weeks ago about my husband walking out on me and trying to adjust to life alone. I'm doing ok at the moment. Still battling depression and anxiety but coping ok every day.

My husband is dealing with the divorce proceedings . I'm so sad. I know he is a selfish man (he lied, cheated on me twice and was unbearably inconsistent which played havoc with my mental health) but I'm still so SAD all the time. I'm grieving for a future I thought I'd have.
He was a shit but I still miss him.

I got an email from the courts a couple of days ago.
Our divorce hearing is going to be on our wedding anniversary Sad
I cant believe it, it seems so cruel. The first time in 13 years we haven't celebrated our anniversary.

I cant stop crying. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do on the day itself to distract myself?
My mum is a bit thoughtless and doesn't think about stuff like that. I told her the date and she just said "oh right" with a blank look.

I'm at work on the day. That might distract me Sad

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/08/2019 17:51

You just have to stop thinking of this as an end of an era. It's the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in your life. You've got rid of a selfish, cheating waste of space, and are ready to meet a wonderful new man.

Purpleartichoke · 28/08/2019 17:53

I would stop sitting back and letting him handle the proceedings solo. You need to make sure your best interests are being represented.

charliedawg · 28/08/2019 17:53

Clearly your soon to be ex is piece of work. Don't give him the satisfaction. Head up - look to the future

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 28/08/2019 17:55

Ties it up nicely I’d say. I know it’s a tough time but try to think about how your life will be better. You will have up days and down days, and the number of up days will increase, as the down days decrease.

Nautiloid · 28/08/2019 17:55

How long is it since he walked out? It seems very quick to be going to court.
The date is unfortunate but the main thing that leaps out is that you aren't going to be present.
Are you happy with the settlement agreed?
Do you have legal representation?

Bunnybigears · 28/08/2019 17:58

Dont place too big a significance on the date, doesnt a divorce take many steps so you wont actually be divorced on the day? If you think you will be better having a normal day at work then do that bit if you want to take the day off and do something with a friend etc that's ok as well.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 28/08/2019 17:59

Bright side, at least you will only have one crap day to get through in the coming years, not two.

Asta19 · 28/08/2019 18:02

Do you have a friend you could either maybe go out for dinner with? Or share a bottle of wine with at home? Something like that. I understand partly what you’re going through. My divorce is also imminent though I don’t have a date yet. He was also a bastard who left me in the end. It’s so shit when you know you are sad over someone who doesn’t even deserve it. For me personally, I think I always held onto the hope that one day he would “see the light” and treat me with the same love and respect that I treated him. Divorce is a kind of final ending, saying no that will never happen. So it hits hard for that reason I think.

PicsInRed · 28/08/2019 18:07

Have finances been settled? With consent order? Don't let him finalise the divorce without the finances and consent order.

ilikethisusernamethemost · 28/08/2019 18:08

Maybe in years to come it will be a reason to be happy and celebrate that date instead of thinking of it as your wedding anniversary and being sad about it. It doesn't sound like he cares about you one bit so this divorce will be a blessing. Not that you feel like it is yet. It sounds like you've been through the worst of this relationship so it can only get better now. Keep that head held high. Don't let him see he's causing you any pain because he'll only be enjoying it. Stay strong brave lady Thanks

lemonyellowtangerine · 28/08/2019 18:16

Do you have your own solicitor helping you with this?

Taking a little control of the situation might help you feel better. Some of your pain right now is likely to be because you feel so powerless. It doesn't have to be like that. You are allowed to take charge of your own life now, little by little.

XXcstatic · 28/08/2019 18:25

My mum is a bit thoughtless and doesn't think about stuff like that. I told her the date and she just said "oh right" with a blank look

Do you mean that she didn't recognise the significance of the date, or that you told her and she didn't see the problem? Because, if it's the former, I'd cut her some slack. I don't remember my own wedding anniversary, let alone anyone else's - I don't know anyone who remembers other people's anniversaries tbh. That doesn't mean that she isn't supportive.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/08/2019 18:42

You just have to stop thinking of this as an end of an era. It's the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in your life.

THIS ^

In SPADES!!!

You didn't love this awful man - firstly, you loved the man you thought he was, then you loved the man you hoped he would become (despite the evidence to the contrary).

You are worth so much more than this lying adulterous piece of sh!t! He may or may not have deliberately arranged this - either way, he doesn't care how much he hurts you - he may even think this may make you more of a pushover in court and you won't fight him for your rightful share of joint assets etc.

Don't let him get away with it. Grit your teeth. Stand up for yourself. Put him behind you. Enjoy your newfound freedom.

Your heart will be in pieces - I know that - many of us have been there and are aching for you in your pain. But it will pass, I promise you, and when you are out of this toxic environment you will begin to mend. At the moment you are too raw to believe me, but I promise.

There are people on here who can tell you their stories, much like your own, and they have all survived and made new and joyous lives for themselves. You will too.

Flowers
ConfusedOpinionsHere · 28/08/2019 18:46

When I got divorced, I was a mess. Later on I sold my rings and took . my then BF for pizza. It felt liberating.

You're at the worst bit, hang in there.

DerbyshireGirly · 28/08/2019 18:52

OP how about taking the day off work and treating yourself? Lunch with a friend or a spa day maybe? You're going to be thinking about it either way, maybe just be gentle on yourself.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/08/2019 18:55

People get so worried about the dates. They want to avoid birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries etc. The thing is you rarely get any say over it so just get it done.

You won't need to be there so do something nice instead. Nice dinner, drinks, fancy bath whatever you know you'll enjoy.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/08/2019 18:56

Don't be moody with your mum either. I don't think I know anyone's anniversary!

coffeeeandtv · 28/08/2019 18:58

I really feel for you OP, 25 years ago my ex came home from work and told me he was leaving me and that he had never loved me and reading your post I recognise that feeling of sadness, its the best way to describe that empty, dark pain. I never missed him, our house, marriage, my perceived future and neither was I angry or wanted revenge I just felt sad. There's nothing I can say to remove this sadness except time is a great healer, I found solace in a good book, coffee from a flask overlooking beautiful scenery after a walk, people watching and just listening to my friends and colleagues talk about the inane minutiae of their lives. I would say it took about a year until I was able to dust myself off, meet new friends and learn to really laugh and be calm and happy. All these years later I can barely remember our time together, I actually bumped into him earlier this year, I was with my husband and son, I walked past him without a second glance, allow yourself to grieve and this will be you too.

PanamaPattie · 28/08/2019 19:02

You are crying because you are missing a future of selfishness, lying and cheating? Give your head a gentle wobble and look forward to a future of freedom to be who you want to be, lying like a starfish in your bed - it's all yours - just like your new and wonderful future.

alittlequinnie · 28/08/2019 19:05

My decree absolute is dated the same date as my wedding day - just 15 years in between.

By this stage I didn't feel much more than "a bit sad".

There's a lot to get through and a lot of change but you will get through it. It's always sad when a couple breaks up.

It will all be over in due course and you will look back on it rather than be in the middle of it.

Punkatheart · 28/08/2019 19:06

Oh my darling - I am so sorry. Mine got remarried on the anniversary of the day we met - I don't know what drives these men to be so hurtful. I send you hugs and hope for a beautiful future, with a funny, sensitive and gorgeous man. If you ever need to talk - message me.

YouTheCat · 28/08/2019 19:09

How the hell have you got a divorce hearing after only a few weeks? Or did he leave ages ago and you only posted about it a few weeks ago?

My divorce is taking ages and it is totally straight forward with no children under 18 or finance to sort out.

lau888 · 28/08/2019 19:09

The date hasn't been "chosen" by your ex; it was assigned as the first available date for the court hearing, with due consideration for any holiday dates that you and your ex submitted to your solicitors. I'm sorry you feel so sad. You sound like the sort of person who likes to plan things. Maybe treat yourself to a new bullet journal and start planning a lovely new future on that day? The date of a new beginning for you. x

MoaningMinnie1 · 28/08/2019 19:13
Flowers
VladmirsPoutine · 28/08/2019 19:24

You are missing the life you thought you would have had/wanted to have. If you can start a thread on the day and I'll be around! It is shit and I'm sorry you're going through this but you will come out the other side. I know it! You are already displaying a huge amount of self-awareness. Not all is lost. That chapter is finished. Allow yourself to grieve but then we have to start putting one foot infront of the other and walking forward.