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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is cruel and not know how to cope on the day.

52 replies

FrankieDoyle · 28/08/2019 17:47

I posted a few weeks ago about my husband walking out on me and trying to adjust to life alone. I'm doing ok at the moment. Still battling depression and anxiety but coping ok every day.

My husband is dealing with the divorce proceedings . I'm so sad. I know he is a selfish man (he lied, cheated on me twice and was unbearably inconsistent which played havoc with my mental health) but I'm still so SAD all the time. I'm grieving for a future I thought I'd have.
He was a shit but I still miss him.

I got an email from the courts a couple of days ago.
Our divorce hearing is going to be on our wedding anniversary Sad
I cant believe it, it seems so cruel. The first time in 13 years we haven't celebrated our anniversary.

I cant stop crying. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do on the day itself to distract myself?
My mum is a bit thoughtless and doesn't think about stuff like that. I told her the date and she just said "oh right" with a blank look.

I'm at work on the day. That might distract me Sad

OP posts:
gilliansgardenbench · 28/08/2019 19:29

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gilliansgardenbench · 28/08/2019 19:29

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BluebonicPlague · 28/08/2019 19:29

I'm sorry you're going through this, grieving for the man you thought he was.
You just have to stop thinking of this as an end of an era. It's the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in your life. You've got rid of a selfish, cheating waste of space, and are ready to meet a wonderful new man..

Good grief, no! A woman's happiness does not depend on a wonderful new man.

FFS

gilliansgardenbench · 28/08/2019 19:29

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gilliansgardenbench · 28/08/2019 19:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gilliansgardenbench · 28/08/2019 19:30

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Speakercube · 28/08/2019 19:33

My friend always says to me 'this is a temporary blip'. One day you'll suddenly realise you are happy again and be glad you're not with him. The future you are grieving for isn't real because he wasn't the person you thought was/hoped him to be. It would've been shit whatever day it was on. This too will pass.

Areallthenamestaken · 28/08/2019 19:39

That is so shit. I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this.

All I can say is, at least now you only have one date to be sad on and you won't have to suffer through a divorce anniversary and a wedding anniversary.

ravenmum · 28/08/2019 19:43

Say you can't make that date, and tell them one that's convenient for you. Arrange to go out with a friend.

theemmadilemma · 28/08/2019 19:53

As far as I'm aware the dates are set by court proceedings are they not? So that's just a shitty deal, but I'm not sure you can point the finger at him that he planned that.

Plan something for the evening if you can. A celebration of moving on. I know right now it seems miles away, but you will come through the other side.

I did. And I'm so happy now for the life I have that I never though I could in that marriage with someone far better for me.

Take back control over YOUR life.

With regards to your mother, I can understand she wouldn't remember or note it, unless she sent you massive congratulations every year in the past I can imagine she either forgot or thought it best to pass over it unless you mentioned it.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 28/08/2019 20:21

Can you book a holiday /trip / day away so you have something positive to focus on?

Other distraction ideas; boxsets, going out with friends, new blockbuster books, wine, joining something new. Writing a private blog/diary can be healing/therapeutic, think of lots of treats and indulgent things for yourselves.

Start planning for the positive, arsehole free life you will now be able to have and know that you won't always feel like this, you will get to the next stage xx
Flowers

DressingGown · 28/08/2019 20:47

You will look back on this and be glad he’s gone. I promise. Sorry it’s so tough right now. Better times will be arriving shortly. Flowers

HotChocolateLover · 28/08/2019 21:52

Oh OP, how horrible. Hugs. I was where you were once and believe you me, one day it will just be a date and nothing more. In fact, last year when my now husband and I completed in our house and I checked the date and realised that it would have been my 15th wedding anniversary with my 1st husband. Years previously i’d Have been sobbing but last year was so joyful. Just keep looking ahead, this is the beginning 👍💕💕

Wanderlusting99 · 30/08/2019 09:54

Congratulations! Your 14th year is going to be such a happy one not married to a selfish cheater who brings you down!

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 31/08/2019 06:27

Thank you for all the kind responses.
To clarify, we have no children and assets.

I don't know why our divorce hearing process has been quite quick, he applied several months ago and now suddenly its here Sad

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/08/2019 07:11

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it is hard but you have taken proper advice to make sure you get a fair settlement haven’t you? I think quite a few of us are worried that in your pain you have shut off from the whole process and nobody is looking out for your interests.

Toomanycats99 · 31/08/2019 07:19

I initiated my divorce and the nisi court date as come through as my ex's birthday. Bit crap for him I guess but the date is what the court set it cannot be changed.

Are you sure there are no assets? Pensions etc. Tbh you should probably still do one - if you came into a windfall in 6 months time and you have no consent order I understood he could still make a claim against it.

TheBigBallOfOil · 31/08/2019 07:23

Do see a solicitor anyway just to check that your rights and obligations are clear to you.
Good luck with this next phase of your life.

Nautiloid · 31/08/2019 07:26

What is missing here is any sense of control over the process for you.
I recommend seeking some basic legal advice to help you take ownership of this situation, even though it's not a situation you would have chosen.

LittleCandle · 31/08/2019 07:29

My XH filed for divorce on our wedding anniversary. It was the last of many thoughtless (I'm trying to be generous here) things he did. Fortunately, by that point, he had done so many things that hurt our youngest DD that I was completely over it. You need to treat that day the same as any other, which I know is easier said than done. I doubt that he chose that date - it was probably just the first one available. Either way, hang on to your pride and don't let him see that he has hurt you. The best revenge is living well.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 31/08/2019 07:39

Please go to see a solicitor ASAP.

If he initiated the divorce then he is the petitioner. Unless you are divorcing on the basis of 2 years separation by consent (which it doesn’t sound as though you are) he is divorcing you on what has become known as the ‘unreasonable behaviour’ grounds. Please check the petition and see you are content with what is being said.

And although you say there are no assets, have you thought about pensions? And, just as important, what about debts?

Unless you absolutely cannot afford it please go to see a specialist family solicitor.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 31/08/2019 07:43

As to the date - he hasn’t chosen it - it is just allocated by the Court. It is just a sad coincidence it is when it is.

And the reason it is all going through so quickly is because you are not contesting anything. I’m not saying you should be. But you do need to take back a bit of control and check you are not being put at a disadvantage.

I wish you well.

ivykaty44 · 31/08/2019 08:05

You need to grieve for what would have been, the future you thought you had & fringed into this process is the start of a different path for you to move along.

You don’t have to worry about further infidelity or pain from this ex husband

Use the divorce date Part of the closure process, allow yourself to be sad, disappointed and cry. It’s all ok emotions.

You can hopefully see that you’re going to have a different life now, and change whether good or bad is change and takes time to adjust. Take your time through this process

Good luck with your future

BalloonSlayer · 31/08/2019 08:08

Bright side, at least you will only have one crap day to get through in the coming years, not two.

^ absolutely this. I was also going to say what others have, that he probably hasn't chosen it.

WanderingMind · 31/08/2019 08:35

What LadyMacbeth said.

Please go to see a solicitor ASAP

If he initiated the divorce then he is the petitioner
Unless you are divorcing on the basis of 2 years separation by consent (which it doesn’t sound as though you are) he is divorcing you on what has become known as the ‘unreasonable behaviour’ grounds. Please check the petition and see you are content with what is being said

You really do need to take back control. He wants his freedom? Make him work for it. Don't lay back and let him dictate it. For your own peace of mind.

Please take legal advice.