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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Kisses with Nanny

63 replies

Rapbitch22 · 28/08/2019 14:10

Sooooo, this is a bit of an awkward one. My one year old son really doesn’t like his nanny (my mum) he actively avoids her and cries around her all the time. I think part of the reason is every time she sees him she swoops in, with a really high pitched squeal and bellows ‘kisses for granny’ in his face. Then snatches him away and sticks these huge kisses on his face :-/ he clearly doesn’t like it. I’ve told her he ‘doesn’t do kisses’ , trying to be nice about it, but she won’t listen. He is literally bawling and squirming and she says ‘well he does for granny okay’... in a semi menacing way (cringe?!) I don’t have a great relationship with her. We row a lot. But it’s really starting to piss me off. He is clearly upset by it and she is being insensitive... or AIBU!? It’s just bloody kisses after all?! But he LITERALLY HATES IT??? ADVICE PLEASE. It’s gotten to the point where he won’t even make eye contact with her lol

OP posts:
IDontDrinkTea · 28/08/2019 14:11

Stand up for your son. Tell her if she insists on making him unhappy you won’t bring him round any more

Cherryblossomtrees · 28/08/2019 14:12

You need to put a stop to this! Yes it's cringey to have that conversation with a family member but your son is trying to tell you he is unhappy with it, you need to advocate for him. Be firm but polite and stick to your guns.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/08/2019 14:14

Nope, from the moment your child is born you need to give people the firm response that they aren't in charge of your child's body. If children don't want a hug, that's ok. If they don't want a kiss, that's ok.

If you teach DC that adults can swoop in and override their bodily autonomy when they're small it can make life harder for them when it comes to them respecting other people's boundaries, not to mention their own. Tell your Mum in no uncertain terms that she's not to decide how her contact with your DS goes; if he refuses a hug, tell her to smile and say "high five?" and let him choose how much/little contact he wants. The irony is that she's more likely to have a loving bond with him the more she respects his boundaries.

Pomegranateseeds · 28/08/2019 14:14

YANBU. It is tricky but you should definitely stop her. Keep him out of her reach - hold him when she arrives? When she tries to kiss him say “We’ve banned kisses for the moment because he really hates it” (protesting from granny blah blah) - “No really, we are not allowing anyone to kiss him. You need to respect that”. Doesn’t matter how much she huffs and sulks, his wishes about his own face are the most important. Scale back contact with her if she can’t respect your/his wishes. Even at this age it’s important he knows you will protect him.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/08/2019 14:16

I’d just leave it. He already hates her, what more can be done? She’s not going to do what you tell her, you’ll be wasting your breath

RatherBeRiding · 28/08/2019 14:20

So where would you draw the line Passthecherrycoke? Or wouldn't you? DM can do what she likes with your child because she won't listen to you?

Feeding him crap? Smacking him? Smoking around him?

Personally I'd rather stand up for my child than just roll over anyway because "she won't listen". But then I have my DC's best interests at heart.

dollydaydream114 · 28/08/2019 14:21

I think that if she doesn't listen, you really need to be blunt.

Point to his reaction and say 'Look, he really, REALLY doesn't like this and that is why he cries around you and doesn't go to you. I know it's just because you love him so much, but please, I don't want him to be wary of you and I want him to be comfortable with you, so please just calm it down and stop kissing him like that, it's too much for him and it makes him scared and uncomfortable.'

Sometimes, I do think parents are a bit precious about grandparents being affectionate to their kids - but honestly, what you're describing does absolutely sound really smothering and loud for one-year-old to deal with and he clearly hates it, so YANBU!

Passthecherrycoke · 28/08/2019 14:21

Why do I need to draw the line? We’re talking about a specific situation regarding kisses.

HaileySherman · 28/08/2019 14:25

Important to teach little children about body autonomy. I've never allowed my kids to be pressured into giving or rec6hugs and kisses if they don't want to. Alternatively I've also been VERY uncomfortable when people have tried to force their kids to hug or kiss me. I always will immediately try to alleviate the pressure with, let's hi-five, would that be ok?

firawla · 28/08/2019 14:26

I think it’s worth spelling it out to her that she either stops this, or sees him much less

Original poster
Rapbitch22 · 28/08/2019 14:28

Thanks for replies everyone. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is too much. My OH thinks I’m over-reacting but he doesn’t see LOs reaction to it - he is never there when she does it.

I know she is just over excited (he’s the first grandchild) but she seems to have NO respect for what he wants. I’m getting asked about babysitting all the time. It’s so bloody awkward. How can I say, no sorry he doesn’t like you!?

She always makes out he must be ‘hungry’ or ‘tired’ Hmm

OP posts:
MRex · 28/08/2019 14:29

I think you need to be much clearer with her that he is uncomfortable with her because she's over-riding his wish to not be kissed. She hasn't understood, your job is to make her understand. From now on, no kisses until he is ready, if she goes against it then you'll have to take him home because you don't want him getting upset.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/08/2019 14:30

Your child is entitled to his own bodily autonomy and to have this respected - no matter what age he is.

Seriously, all these posts of late about a lack of boundaries when it comes to children are absolutely frightening. It's endemic.

'Nanny's' behaviour is not acceptable. You need to nix it: you'll be teaching your DC an important lesson.

HiJenny35 · 28/08/2019 14:30

You need to draw the line because you child has expressed that they are not happy with it happening therefore as his mother stop it happening. My youngest hates to be tiggled, they therefore don't happen, grandparents tried often and were told not to, lifted child up and took her away. Why would you let someone continue to do something to your child that they don't like.

DungeonDweller · 28/08/2019 14:32

Ffs protect your child here. This isn't funny!
Tell her to stop.
Teach your child that he has body autonomy, and you have his back!

Iminagony · 28/08/2019 14:36

You are the advocate for your child. If he hates it, don't enable it.

Either spend less time with granny if he hates the time with her, or just insist that she doesn't do it and she allows him to get used to her in his own time. It's awkward to deal with but you have go be your sons protector. That includes from unwanted attention.

One of my parents demands kisses from my dd. They are the only relative to do so. I hate it. When she was a baby and disliked it, I didn't allow it. Now she's a bit older she can go along with it when she chooses and not when she doesn't.

BogglesGoggles · 28/08/2019 14:43

I would just stop taking him to see her.

HappyHammy · 28/08/2019 14:50

You have to tell her he doesnt like it and jts upsetting him and you she has to stop doing it please. I would also look for alternative babysitters and not take him to see her until she promises to stop. Silly woman. Ask her to show her love for him in a different way, through laughing and playing, not by making him squirm.

Gustavo1 · 28/08/2019 14:52

I think this is something that people with children are becoming more aware of. My little ones don’t like giving people kisses. I won’t make them.
I’ve had trouble with grandparents who try to insist on a kiss goodbye or insist for a kiss in trade for the treat they have brought etc but I pick the child up and say “X doesn’t like kisses. He doesn’t have to kiss anyone.”
I think it’s important that children learn to be polite and show gratitude etc but that kisses are theirs to give not another’s to demand.
You’re not wrong OP and should stick to your guns. If granny can’t accept that, she won’t visit or be visited more often x

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/08/2019 15:03

Be blunt - say something like "Mum - you must stop all the kissing and shrieking in his face if you want him to want to come to you. He hates what you are doing, and you will make him hate you if you carry on!"

Original poster
Rapbitch22 · 28/08/2019 15:21

Your right everyone, I think sometimes as a shy person it can be hard to stick up to people. I need to man up and tell her to back off...I’ve tried being nice and it hasn’t worked Sad I feel bad for DS that I have let this go on for a while now Blush I guess I just didn’t know how to handle it, my mum and I don’t really get on at the best of times

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 28/08/2019 15:25

Teach her to hi5, if she can't cope with that keep him away from her.
No unsupervised contact.
This is how children learn it's ok for others to abuse them.

Missingstreetlife · 28/08/2019 15:27

Is he talking. Teach him to say no, loudly and with you.
Better still don't see her

SilverySurfer · 28/08/2019 15:41

Passthecherrycoke
I’d just leave it. He already hates her, what more can be done? She’s not going to do what you tell her, you’ll be wasting your breath

Fascinating, so you obviously don't believe a child or person should have autonomy over their body? Is that your approach to everything in life?

Your child tells you he is being bullied and beaten up in school. What do you say 'Leave it, you'll be going into different classes in six months?'

I think you left the 'ive' off after the first four letters of your name.

OP, body autonomy is an incredibly important lesson and one you're never too young to start learning. If your child hates his GM slobbering all over his face then you are going to have to tell her and if she ignores you, remove your son from her clutches every time and say NO, I told you he doesn't like you doing that, please stop.

Your son cant afford for you to be shy because you're his protector until he can tell her for himself.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/08/2019 15:42

You’re very odd silversurfer