AIBU - Kisses with Nanny

[Rapbitch22]

Sooooo, this is a bit of an awkward one. My one year old son really doesn’t like his nanny (my mum) he actively avoids her and cries around her all the time. I think part of the reason is every time she sees him she swoops in, with a really high pitched squeal and bellows ‘kisses for granny’ in his face. Then snatches him away and sticks these huge kisses on his face :-/ he clearly doesn’t like it. I’ve told her he ‘doesn’t do kisses’ , trying to be nice about it, but she won’t listen. He is literally bawling and squirming and she says ‘well he does for granny okay’... in a semi menacing way (cringe?!) I don’t have a great relationship with her. We row a lot. But it’s really starting to piss me off. He is clearly upset by it and she is being insensitive... or AIBU!? It’s just bloody kisses after all?! But he LITERALLY HATES IT??? ADVICE PLEASE. It’s gotten to the point where he won’t even make eye contact with her lol

I realise this is going to sound really weird, but could you video the swooping and kissing on your phone, for OH to see? It might give him a bit of a jolt, to realise your DS really doesn’t like it. Videos and photos catch people’s expressions and it will show the distress on your DS’s face. Sorry if that’s a weird suggestion.

In my opinion YABU. all these people talking about your mum“disregarding his body autonomy” and you needing to “stick up for your kid” must remember this is his grandma who clearly has his best intentions and would never try and harm or upset him. She is also a person who just loves your kid like you do and you should appreciate that your son has someone like tgat in his life. At one y/o a baby can not say YES OR NO. At one y/o a baby doesn’t dislike people or feel uncomfortable in someone’s hands because they have not yet developed their sense of body autonomy. If your baby is crying when In the arms of your mum this is more likely because he is obviously attached to you and has picked up on the bad n tense vibes you have towards your mum. I would understand what you were saying more if this was a stranger or someone who wasn’t close to you or your son in relations but this is your mother who is clearly just an overexcited first time grandma who loves her grandson. It’s not like she doesn’t know about how to act around babies as she has had at least one herself!!
You may think you’re doing the right thing now by getting angry at her or stopping her access to her but it will only do him harm in the long run. When he’s older and he wonders why he doesn’t have a close relationship with his grandma and you tell him it was because he cried when she kissed him when he was one, that will be a shame. You can talk to your mum but all that will happen is that you’ll break a bond between grandchild and grandmother. Surely you want your son to have as many people as possible who love and adore him and can’t be without his hugs and kisses. This is coming from a 13 year old who adores all their grandparents.,

grannyfan1 No-one is questioning whether the GM loves him or not but it's obvious from how the OP describes his response when she does this, that HE DOES NOT LIKE IT. Are you suggesting that the OP should ignore his crying and discomfort because the GM wants to do it and tough if it makes him cry?

No-one is saying the GM can't have a relationship with him, just that she needs to tone down the kissing.

I'm also sure the DS has lots of people in his life who love him without smothering him and if the GM sulks and goes nc, that's her loss.

I had an aunt who would visit when I was a child and would arrive in this vile fur coat, gather me up and my face would be smothered in the fur. I loathed her visiting and would do everything I could to escape the suffocating experience. As an adult I had no relationship with her at all.

Granny fan, I'm glad your family has lovely grandparents. Not everyone is so lucky. It's not true that even tiny babies can't feel uncomfortable or frightened. This grandma is controlling and insensitive to her grandson and daughter, who lacks confidence to protect him. It's not all about her. It's likely she over rode her daughter all her life and is set to do the same to the grandchild. Toddlers go through phases of being clingy too and this needs sensitivity so they can be left by primary carer in the care of known others. They know what they like to eat, whether they are hot or cold, when they want a cuddle and who they feel safe with.

I remember the exact moment I woke up to this ‘new’ body autonomy stuff for babies. It was while I was pregnant, watching a YouTube video about a midwife who ran parent prenatal classes. She’d get all the partners to lie down on the floor. Then she’d go around and hoike their legs up (towards their heads). That gesture that every parent/grandparent until this era does to change a child’s nappy. Everyone got the message. It’s a horrid feeling, and that’s with your pants on!

I come from very practical stock, with a strong subtext that kids should be disciplined early and not ‘indulged’. Well, that one video changed everything for me. If you think about it, body autonomy (and the lifelong protection it affords) must start early, and it must start with mums and grandmas. And of course it starts when it ‘looks silly’ to do. Just like encouraging talking, walking, and a million other things.

Grandmas are just going to have to add it to the pile of stuff that’s ‘done differently’ now. And perhaps acknowledge that their own lives might have been better with less of the ‘your body is not your own’ consequences (rape, harassment, domestic abuse, etc).

"No-one is saying the GM can't have a relationship with him, just that she needs to tone down the kissing."

@SilverySurfer is right, @grannyfan1 - and I would add that the grandmother will have a much better relationship with the child if she stops upsetting him! Carrying on doing something that is making him cry and squirm is a sure-fire way to get him to distrust and dislike her - hardly foundations for a good granny-grandson relationship!

So update for anyone who is interested.

Met my Dad and mother today with LO, she did the usual shriek and swoop. LO started fussing and squirming away, though didn’t cry today. I immediately said, ‘you need to be a bit respectful of what he wants mum, he obviously doesn’t want a kiss, why don’t you let him get used to you for a bit before rushing over making a huge fuss. And NO more kisses, he doesn’t kiss, Ive told you plenty of times.’

HER REPLY

‘Get used to me? I’m his grandmother! Of course he is used to me. I’m only giving him a kiss. The problem is that YOU DONT KISS HIM ENOUGH so he isn’t used to kisses.

Honestly I just can’t get through to her. It’s as if she isn’t seeing the reaction I am seeing. Albeit he wasn’t as upset as usual today... sods las! I should of known it would be spun on me and my obviously ‘shitty parenting’. I think I am just going to see her less until he is old enough to tell her NO, as she just will not listen to me!!!

I think having the discussion in the middle of the situation isn't helpful. If you'd spoken to her calmly on the phone without DS then you could have raised the topic, then if she argues back just have your responses written down instead of backing off at her first comment. This is your DS, you're supposed to speak for him when he can't, so speak up for him.

‘Get used to me? I’m his grandmother! Of course he is used to me. I’m only giving him a kiss. The problem is that YOU DONT KISS HIM ENOUGH so he isn’t used to kisses.

I'd be avoiding her like the plague if that's how she speaks to you and about your parenting.

OP, she's is completely out of order. You need to have a conversation with her without your son being present so she isn't distracted.

You are going to have to be brave and tell her, in your own words - look mum, I have told you several times that x doesn't like it when you lunge at him and keep kissing him. I don't know how more plainly I can put it. You are his grandmother and I know that you love him but if you persist in doing this then you will be seeing a great deal less of him because I am not prepared for him to be upset every time you slobber all over him. Your choice.

Ignore hysterics, sobbing hysteria and be firm!

Good luck!

I was in a similar situation with my sister.
She used to scoop sons up and plant kisses on their faces.
They hated it and would avoid her.
I told her straight they don`t like what your doing so stop or they will carry on avoiding you.
It worked but it took around three years for them to go to her and even then they weren't sure.
I left it to them to decide .
Your mom should know better tbf.

Good try. You need to be more direct, if you insist then we won't visit.
No point now if you are going low contact but she's bound to ask why, then you can just be really blunt, she obvs doesn't do subtle.

Ultimatum time: either you stop Mum or we won’t come to see you.