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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Kisses with Nanny

63 replies

Rapbitch22 · 28/08/2019 14:10

Sooooo, this is a bit of an awkward one. My one year old son really doesn’t like his nanny (my mum) he actively avoids her and cries around her all the time. I think part of the reason is every time she sees him she swoops in, with a really high pitched squeal and bellows ‘kisses for granny’ in his face. Then snatches him away and sticks these huge kisses on his face :-/ he clearly doesn’t like it. I’ve told her he ‘doesn’t do kisses’ , trying to be nice about it, but she won’t listen. He is literally bawling and squirming and she says ‘well he does for granny okay’... in a semi menacing way (cringe?!) I don’t have a great relationship with her. We row a lot. But it’s really starting to piss me off. He is clearly upset by it and she is being insensitive... or AIBU!? It’s just bloody kisses after all?! But he LITERALLY HATES IT??? ADVICE PLEASE. It’s gotten to the point where he won’t even make eye contact with her lol

OP posts:

PeachesAndMayo · 28/08/2019 15:45

My mum was a great kisser. She also had cold sores. I saw her moving in for a kiss with one of my kids when she had a cold sore and put my foot down very fast and very firmly. She stopped. My kids don't have cold sores and my mum still speaks to me. Tell your mum to leave him and get some other child care. Trouble is she's likely doing it for the pleasure of seeing her grandson. You have to work out which is more valuable to you - your kid or your pocket.

Serenity45 · 28/08/2019 15:52

If you teach DC that adults can swoop in and override their bodily autonomy when they're small it can make life harder for them when it comes to them respecting other people's boundaries, not to mention their own

This in spades

Missingstreetlife · 28/08/2019 15:57

A woman in your own right, by Ann Dixon is a great book about assertive communication. Just putting a hand up as a stop sign can be useful, whist you say no.

Amber2019 · 28/08/2019 16:01

My 18 month old headers or slaps people away when they try to kiss him. Obviously we tell him not to do that but he doesnt know how else to react to what he doesnt want. Yours may start doing this, it soon stops people.

Clangus00 · 28/08/2019 16:07

Teach him now that no means no. Teach your mother that too! She’s overstepping his boundaries, don’t let him think that this is ok.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/08/2019 16:14

I adore my little granddaughter, kissing her little soft check is amazing. I only kiss her when she's comfortable with it because that's the right thing to do. We saw her recently and she didn't recognize me (we don't live close), it was 3 long days before she asked for a hug, it was worth the wait. Keep being led by what your baby is comfortable with.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 28/08/2019 16:23

We had this a lot with exMIL. She barely saw him, so when she did she'd arrive shrieking like a banshee and overcompensating, scaring the crap out of my son and then got all miserable that he wouldn't go near her.

My son is stupidly social and would hug near enough anyone if asked, but he was super frightened of her because she never respected or listened to how he felt. He would squirm from her arms and scream at her and she'd blame me for being too over protective of him and that he was a 'sissy' 🙄

She's seen him 2 times in 8 months (lives 30 mins down the road) since me and the ex split. I had to have words with her for her pushing my DS into kissing and she hasn't spoken to me since 😂

marriedwithhounds · 28/08/2019 16:27

Be firm: 'he doesn't like that - please don't do it.' Repeat.

If she ignores: 'I've asked you not to do that and you keep doing it. You're making things very uncomfortable.'

If she still persists: 'I don't think you should be around him until you respect his boundaries. Let me know when you've decided to stop it.'

Difficult to do but gives no wriggle room and you'll know you've done the best.

Holidaysareimportant · 28/08/2019 16:40

Op this is usually the issue with mils and sons who can't say boo to them. Your mum is obviously a strong character who doesn't listen its no wonder if you are shy or feel awkward standing up to her.
. In a normal balanced relationship, people will be able to say.. Would it be possible not to do that please... And be listened too without fuss.. It's when this doesn't happen that all the endless problems are caused.

Reherse, talk to yourself and practise saying, I'm sorry mum but he doesn't like this at all and he is not warming to you like others

SunshineCake · 28/08/2019 16:46

Tell her straight to stop with the kisses or you will stop with the visits Even at this young age he is right to decide who touches him.

SunshineCake · 28/08/2019 16:55

I remember my nana telling me she would wait for my 20 month old to come to her when we were talking about their first meeting. The minute she opened the door she picked him up and carried him in. The second she could tell he was unsure she gave him to me. He was then happy to interact with her at the park and at the house.

Singlenotsingle · 28/08/2019 17:01

I remember aunties doing this, scooping me up to their bosom for a hug and a kiss. Nothing worse. I would have thought this was a thing of the past but obviously not.

SavingSpaces2019 · 28/08/2019 17:21

Your mother pushed boundaries with you- and now you don't have a good relationship with her.
She's doing the same with your son.
YOU need to stand up for him - and yourself as the mother - and put a stop to this.
Don't let her bully him like she did you.

Run4it2 · 28/08/2019 17:50

Lol! My ds is the same - always hated hugs and kisses from anyone else but me! We taught him that he had to be polite and therefore should be willing to shake hands (or high five or fist bump). He wasnt that impressed with the alternatives, but did do them. Mil wasn't having any of it and kept trying to kiss him which he used to hate! However, she did stop when he was four, after she dived in and kissed him, and he screamed back 'get away from me you nasty old woman.' No reaction from me, as she had been told! Now he is a teenager he will do a reluctant hug or kiss!

DungeonDweller · 28/08/2019 18:15

I also have strong (negative!) Childhood memories of being forced to kiss aging relatives. I hated it, still do (I'm not a hugger), my family didn't seem to understand that not everyone is the same and bullying a child into unwanted physical contact sets them up for years of unclear boundaries about what it's ok to say no to..!
I'd have hoped this would have died off years ago, I can't believe older people now do it too

SilverySurfer · 28/08/2019 18:52

Passthecherrycoke
You’re very odd silversurfer

Very possibly but if I'm odd, god knows what that makes you.

Aprillygirl · 28/08/2019 19:04

Is your mum completely thick or what? Surely your DS's bawling and squirming is a big enough giveaway that he doesn't like what she's doing? I would be so annoyed that she is missing such obvious signals that I would probably end up shouting at her to leave him the fuck alone.You are obviously a far more reasonable person than me.

TheoneandObi · 28/08/2019 19:05

I like the suggestion that the Op teaches granny to hi 5. And say look, he doesn’t like the kissing stuff. Try something that makes him happy not sad.
Some grandparents are odd and a little, frankly cruel in their approach to children. My parents seem to still delight in telling the story of how 21 years ago when I dashed to hospital to have my DD my DS (in their tender care) was so traumatised that he headbanged the toilet bowl in protest. ‘Why the heck didn’t you stop him?’ I repeatedly ask and they reply ‘oh it was so funny’. Needless to say they never looked after him again.
Oh and he developed epilepsy. So I do wonder.....

Original poster

Rapbitch22 · 28/08/2019 19:17

I don’t know why, I just find it SO hard to stand up to her. I think if you met her you would agree she is a very formidable woman. We have never got along and I don’t feel comfortable just saying ‘hey mum your being a dick’. @Aprillygirl I know right?! It’s blatantly obvious he hates it... I don’t get WTF I need to say anything. Surely any normal person would take the hint!!

I too have awful memories of being FORCED to kiss my grandad - a foul old man with a big gruffy beard who smoked roll ups and had yellow finger nails bluergghhhh. So I guess part of me thought maybe it’s okay?! It’s just a generation thing... do you know what I mean? But reading these messages has really given me food for thought, I don’t want my little boy to think he has to be poked and prodded if he doesn’t want to be, or that it’s okay to do that to other people. I’m going to just have to upset her... so be it! I’m sure she will blank me for months (eye roll) she’s right drama queen

OP posts:

thecatinthetwat · 28/08/2019 19:27

I have had this problem too, and it is very difficult. I just just kept saying 'he doesn't want to' and 'leave him if he doesn't like it'.

I had to keep going and my MIL would get very sulky about it. She did listen eventually though and I'm very glad I stuck to my guns. She is still clearly unhappy about, but that's tough. My job is to protect my child's feelings not the feelings of grown adults.

As for babysitting, you'll just have to say no. She'll think you're being precious, or difficult, but who cares.

Happyandglorious · 28/08/2019 19:31

I agree with @haileysherman.
But also think he may be feeding off you not really liking your mum. If you talk about her warmly and mention from time to time how much she loves him and how excited she is to see him etc it may help him to warm up to her.
She does sound annoying though so may not be an easy sell. Good luck

Original poster

Rapbitch22 · 28/08/2019 19:55

@happyandglorious I do sometimes wonder the same thing... can he feel the waves of dislike coming off me and just doesn’t like her because of that?!

Me and my other half joke that LO can ‘smell the wrong in her’

Ive managed to worm my way out of any babysitting with her so far. Luckily I am a SAHM at the moment so I don’t technically ‘need’ the help. It would be nice to be able to leave him with her, for a little break like, but I would never leave him alone with her with the way things are at the moment, he would never forgive me!!

It’s such a shame because she just wants him to like her... I just think she goes about it the wrong way. She does other weird stuff too.... I tell my dad and my OHs dad games he enjoys and they play with him nice and he loves it... she always tries to play games he doesn’t like / get ... and makes out he is ‘loving it’ (when he hasn’t even cracked a smile?!) Its like she has so to HER thing?? I honestly can see (since the baby) why me and her arnt close... if she ignored my wishes as a baby as much as she ignores my sons it’s little wonder I don’t have much of a bond with her!

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 28/08/2019 20:04

There are some ppl who can't pick up on others discomfort, read body language or take a hint. Some of them don't care what you think, only what they want. You have to be blunt, even rude. If she goes no contact that's a result, a bonus isn't it?

user1480880826 · 28/08/2019 20:06

Put your son’s happiness before your mum’s feelings. Make her stop.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2019 20:49

But you say you row all the time? So you obviously can stand up to her.

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