19 yo DD

[waitingfor40]

Our Dd(19) comes and goes as she pleases, stays at home maybe twice a week, she does travel for work 3 nights a week and rest of time she's at her friends. She has a lovely big bedroom, with tv, sky, Netflix ect which we pay for (in price of out package we bought the extra Q box) we recently decorated the room and put all new furniture in for her.
NOW the AIBU we have a younger child who is in a small room and would benifit greatly from the extra space, would I be unreasonable to switch them rooms ? Elder dd is never here, she worked Friday came home got changed (10 mins) went out, sat afternoon came home grabbed some clothes (5 mins) and went out she then wasn't seen until yesterday (Tuesday) 5 pm when she came in grabbed her work stuff (5 mins ) and went again.
I'm at my wits end with her she says she will change and start coming home more but just doesn't, I'm getting to the point I don't even want her living here anymore!
What shall I do, let her carry on acting Like this or shock her and tell her to move out?

I think it would be fine to switch bedrooms. Makes sense if she’s not there much. How old is the younger child?

I would charge her a reduced rent for the room or switch the rooms.

She sounds like a normal 19 year old to be honest. My DC are similar ages and they both come and go as they please. Is she working full time, and if so, is she paying any rent? I would ask her how she feels about switching rooms and paying a reduced amount.

I'm at my wits end with her she says she will change and start coming home more but just doesn't,

Why are you at your wits end trying to get her to come home more? She is a normal 19yo by the sounds of things.

I'm getting to the point I don't even want her living here anymore!

And that's very obvious.

I would understand if you wanted to swap them rooms for practical reasons; but it sounds like you are thinking of it as some kind of punishment.

Yes YABU.

I don’t understand why you’re so annoyed that she’s never at home; she’s 19! She should be out with friends, working, building a life for herself.

She's 19. She should be able to come and go as she wishes.

But it's also reasonable to give her the smallest room if she's never there, however it's a bit mean now you've decorated and bought new furniture. She'd probably be a bit less upset if you'd asked her to swap beforehand then decorated her new room for her.

If you want her to move out, that's one thing, but don't punish her for being a normal 19yo by kicking her out of her room!

YANB remotely U to switch the rooms for all the reasons you mentioned.

However, what on earth is all this about?

I'm at my wits end with her she says she will change and start coming home more but just doesn't, I'm getting to the point I don't even want her living here anymore!

Most nineteen year olds who work and have a good social life spend very little time at home it's completely normal. In fact I probably see more of my adult children now they have left home than I did when they were late teens and living here.

Yes, you're being totally unreasonable and I'd be willing to bet you know that.

Give the big room to the younger child !

It just makes sense.

Will probably upset her but tbh its not fair on the younger child to have a small room when they use it more.

Older daughter will just have to deal with it.

Yabu.

Does she pay rent?
Does she cause any problems by not being there?

Make a date for a meal with her and actually talk?

Switch rooms. But to benefit you’re younger DD, not to punish your older one.

Why are you at your wits end with her? Why does she have to spend more nights at your house - she's an adult with a full time job!

Talk to her and tell her factually but pleasantly, not vindictively, that you're going to swap the bedrooms because younger child uses the bedroom every night and therefore needs the space more. Tell her how proud you are of the adult she's grown up to be.

Only reason to be "at your wits end" is if she then throws an almighty tantrum.

You sound a bit sad that she's growing up? Like you're using the room to punish her for not spending time with you? Quite controlling IMO. Tread carefully OP or you could irrevocably damage your relationship.

I'm at my wits end with her she says she will change and start coming home more but just doesn't, I'm getting to the point I don't even want her living here anymore!
What shall I do, let her carry on acting Like this or shock her and tell her to move out?

Sorry, I'm confused: what has she actually done wrong? She's an adult so what does it matter if she spends time away at work or with friends? Isn't that pretty much what you'd expect an adult to be doing?! And why is it a problem? If she's out of the house she's not affecting you in any way whatsoever.

One minute you don't want her to be spending time away, and the next minute you want her to move out. You can't have it both ways. I find it genuinely weird that you would be annoyed that your adult child doesn't spend lots of time in the house.

Regarding the bedrooms, by all means have a chat with her about perhaps switching rooms, and by all means ask her to contribute some of her wages as rent if you want, but I really don't understand the problem with her not being around very much and why that's made you want to kick her out. Is there a massive drip-feed coming? You sound like you actively dislike her.

What shall I do, let her carry on acting Like this or shock her and tell her to move out?

Um... what? She's acting like a normal 19-year old; albeit quite a privileged one.

As others have asked? Does she contribute to the household in any way? Financially or doing her share of chores? Cooking? Doing her laundry (or anyone else's)?

I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to ask her to swap rooms. But not sure why you're 'at your wits end'?

I’ll never understand parents who say things like ‘I don’t even want her living here anymore’. Why? Because she works and has a life, she’s 19 years old. If you want to swap rooms why don’t you just have the conversation with her about why. She’s doing her own thing and you’re trying to punish her for being a normal teenager. Terrible.

She has a lovely big bedroom, with tv, sky, Netflix ect which we pay for (in price of out package we bought the extra Q box) we recently decorated the room and put all new furniture in for her.

Did you do all that (quite a lot and possibly more than most parents would have done) to try and tempt her to stay at home more, albeit walled up in her room?

If so, your cunning plan hasn't worked.

Wow, controlling much?!

Why are you trying to keep her at home?

It’s normal, healthy in fact, for a 19 year old to ‘break away’ from their parents.

Fair enough swap rooms around so the younger sibling benefits , fair enough to charge rent so she’s not treating your house ‘like a hotel’ and teach her that adult life comes with responsibilities as well as rights but to do it as a ‘punishment’ for the crime of growing up is fucking weird.

What shall I do, let her carry on acting Like this

Yes. She's not doing anything wrong.

Swapping rooms makes sense though. I'd put it to your DDs while they're both present, mention this idea you've had and why you think it makes logical sense, and let them come to an arrangement.

What happens if the shock works and she does move out?

Or are you bemoaning the fact that she doesn't pull her weight?

In which case she should be made to do some jobs or pay you extra to get a cleaner. Does she pay rent?

Is she very popular OP?