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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 yo DD

57 replies

waitingfor40 · 28/08/2019 09:38

Our Dd(19) comes and goes as she pleases, stays at home maybe twice a week, she does travel for work 3 nights a week and rest of time she's at her friends. She has a lovely big bedroom, with tv, sky, Netflix ect which we pay for (in price of out package we bought the extra Q box) we recently decorated the room and put all new furniture in for her.
NOW the AIBU we have a younger child who is in a small room and would benifit greatly from the extra space, would I be unreasonable to switch them rooms ? Elder dd is never here, she worked Friday came home got changed (10 mins) went out, sat afternoon came home grabbed some clothes (5 mins) and went out she then wasn't seen until yesterday (Tuesday) 5 pm when she came in grabbed her work stuff (5 mins ) and went again.
I'm at my wits end with her she says she will change and start coming home more but just doesn't, I'm getting to the point I don't even want her living here anymore!
What shall I do, let her carry on acting Like this or shock her and tell her to move out?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2019 11:15

Are you having to do her washing?

I have Adult DDs and I'm failing to see the issue of her being out all the time.

If she wasn't, you'd have more inconvenience, because there would be extra noise, bathroom use etc.

If she moves out under a cloud, she probably won't look back.

IsobelRae23 · 28/08/2019 11:15

Ah???? She’s being a normal 19 year old. I have a 19 year old ds, I go sometimes 3 weeks without seeing him, between him working every day until he goes back to uni, at his girlfriends, at his friends or at his dads. He’s happy!!! Therefore so am I.
But I would never threatened him, shock him or punish him for not being home. What would he do here? Get underneath my feet!
Sounds like you don’t like her!

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2019 11:16

I don't understand what you are annoyed about she travels for work and has a social life she sounds normal just tell her you are moving rooms about and leave the girl alone.

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2019 11:16

Just why does she need to come home more?

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2019 11:19

I only have 1 at home now she splits her time between here and her boyfriends, We only ask she tells us if she is home or not but apart from that we would never expect her to be home more.

AmIThough · 28/08/2019 11:19

YABU for giving her grief for not being home more. It's absolutely none of your business. Is she paying rent?

YANBU to switch rooms.

littleorangecat22 · 28/08/2019 11:40

I'm getting to the point I don't even want her living here anymore!

Sounds like she isn't really living with you any more anyway, assuming she doesn't come home to sleep etc. and is just there occasionally to pick some things up. By all means tell her to get her stuff out and not come home, give her room to your other DC, but if it's done in a way that conveys the tone you've put across in the quoted part above, don't be surprised if you never see her again.

It's normal to have a life away from your parents and not to be at home much when you're an adult. She isn't doing anything wrong.

BarbedBloom · 28/08/2019 11:43

You sound really controlling. Yabu

User10fuckingmillion · 28/08/2019 11:47

Ha, she’ll hate you for it!

HandsReachingOut · 28/08/2019 11:47

Do you feel she is using your home like a hotel instead of a home? She has the benefits of a house share without participating or paying her share. If she is spending as little time there as you say, it is fair to switch rooms. It's for practical reasons more than out of spite. I'd imagine you miss her and wish she'd spend some time with her family instead of dropping in and out. There's no point being angry. Sit down with her (pre-arranged since she is so busy) and agree specific times to spend time together as a family. You need to tell her what is upsetting you and see if you can both reach a compromise. Yes she has her own life but it would be nice if she made more of an effort at home. If you kick her out or don't address this, it will cause resentment and damage your relationship.

GigiIdid · 28/08/2019 11:54

YABU to ask your daughter to move out for no reason other than she has a job and a social life.

Take a look at the posts by people with kids that don’t work, are violent and making their parents life hell and thank your lucky stars that your daughter is a productive young adult.

Are you jealous that she has a full life? Don’t push her away now and expect a good relationship once she’s moved out.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/08/2019 12:00

Thinking back to when I was 19, I wanted to be out all of the time. I wouldn’t have objected to moving to a smaller room if I was barely there but your attitude towards her sounds awful.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/08/2019 12:02

Yeah my 19 year old DD, is out alot too, she's just being a 19 year old........ She does do some chores though. I think if she spends so little time at home, it wouldn't be U to swap rooms

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/08/2019 12:41

I think it’s fine to swap rooms with your younger child if DD is hardly ever home. The rest of your post comes across as unreasonable - at 19 it’s totally normal for her to be in and out of the house and doing her own thing. What exactly are you expecting her to be doing at home?

Chalfontstgiles · 28/08/2019 12:43

Switch rooms based on needs of younger child but charge DD19 no rent for the smaller room.....she is transitioning and by the sound of things won't be with you for much longer. Also make her attend to her own chores, room tidying, laundry etc....she wants to be an adult, you treat her like one. I'm not sure why you're grumpy with her tbh trust me if she was stuck in the house 24/7, depressed and not living her life you'd really hate that! I've had that with my DD18 and it's terrible.

Comefromaway · 28/08/2019 12:48

I think it sounds normal for a 19 year old but is she still in college/uni or is she working? If the latter is she paying rent? She might feel a bit hard done to if she is paying rent and is then shunted to a smaller room.

My dd is almost 18 and away at college in term time. We are planning on moving house and she has openly said that she thinks that her room should be the smallest as its only fair to her brother who is home all the time but she isn't. (But then again at college she pays £130 per week for a box room!)

BonnesVacances · 28/08/2019 12:48

What exactly are you expecting her to be doing at home?

My understanding is that OP would like her DD to spend more time in the bedroom or else let her younger sister move into it.

justasking111 · 28/08/2019 12:49

She is moving out by degrees, just swap rooms.

TheUltimateGoober · 28/08/2019 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brittanybreakdown · 28/08/2019 12:56

This sounds a lot like my situation when I lived with my parents. I’m 23 and I’ve just moved out. (I was at uni until 22 so I wasn’t there too long) I never paid rent however I was a massive help on childcare and for a time my mom shared my car. I think I still had it bloody cushy. When I moved home from uni I had the box room and didn’t care tbh. I actually found it easier to keep tidy.
Also - do you want your teenage daughter in the house all the time? Aslong as she tidies up after herself and let’s you know when she’s not in ect I think it’s great she’s got a social life?
My mom only bagged me if she thought I was being a shut in.
Maybe charge a small amount of rent so she has some idea of give and take. Deffo move to the small room though!

RosaWaiting · 28/08/2019 13:00

OP what's with the attitude? is she rude to you or something?

great to have a responsible 19 year old who is even away for work, she has a good future.

if you want her to swap rooms, it should only be for practical reasons and her feelings should be considered! She might get a job with less travel and be home more.

It sounds like you want her to leave. I mean, that's your right, I guess, but I can't see why unless she is taking the piss.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/08/2019 13:03

She sounds totally normal... You on the other hand sound quite confused. At your wits end?! You want her to be home more but she's not, mostly because of her job, so you would like her to leave home completely? She's a young adult. She's becoming more independent. How about you respect that, sit her down for a talk and ask whether her sibling can have the room as they will make better use of it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/08/2019 13:03

Switch rooms. But to benefit you’re younger DD, not to punish your older one.

This ^

Sounds like all your older girl needs is a place to store her stuff, and to kip down occasionally. I daresay she'll be miffed about it, but why should your younger DD miss out on having a lovely big room and a place she can comfortably hang out with her mates?

Your older DD has benefitted from the bigger space, and now doesn't need it - let the younger ones have it.

Drogosnextwife · 28/08/2019 13:07

Yes swap their rooms, I don't know why you don't want her living there anymore though, bit of an over reaction.

LagunaBubbles · 28/08/2019 13:11

I'm at my wits end with her she says she will change and start coming home more but just doesn't

Can you explain better what your problem with your DD having a social life is?

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