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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My best friend cut me off. Is it my fault?

70 replies

Sp3849 · 28/08/2019 06:34

Cutting a long story short. I am 32 and she is 29. We both have daughters same age. Both now 8. Been very good friends for 10 years. She has a history of mental health and me and my husband have always looked after her when unwell. Taken her and her daughter on numerous holidays over the years as she is a single mum. Couldnt afford it and wouldn't take her daughter alone and on bad days she struggles too care for her daughter. Literally she is like my family and her daughter is like my own. She met someone a year ago and has been gradually growing distant mental health has improved and life seems on the up for her and I am so happy for her. Her boyfriend doesn't like our friendship though. He has always made that clear he is very possessive and is not nice too her daughter. She actually convided this too me. So I have remained here for her. I walk on eggshells as I don't want him too tell her she can't speak too us anymore. More out of concern for her daughter. I frequently speak too her on the phone, visit occasionally and take the kids out for play dates. But yesterday my daughter had a different friend over too play. A little girl who lives by them, her mother is a friend of both of ours and kids are all friends. this other family are going through a rough time the father is extremely sick and they needed me too watch her. I collected the little girl and brought her too my house too play and within minutes of arriving home I received a phone call. My friend abusing me and screaming at me threatening too smash my face in! I couldn't get a word in edgeways she was wild and i was extremely confused. My friend then text me and said I was vile and nasty for leaving her daughter out! This really upset me because over the years that child has literally been ours! I would never do anything too hurt her. But I was asked too look after this other child and I would have offered too have my friends daughter but she was supposed too have been at her dad's and I don't think she was there. It continued then with my friend abusing me and threatening me and hanging up she eventually text me saying it had been building up for a while for her and she feels I copy her? And always try too out do her? I tried too ask how but her reply was I applied for uni after her (uni was always my plan) and I started my own business after her. I had no choice my husband works long hours and I needed too do it for my kids sake and she hung a picture on her wall and I hung a picture on mine? (just random pictures mind they aren't the same and I am always decorating my house) and she wants nothing more too do with me and cut me off. Blocked me of everything and told me if I got too her house she will knife me! I am so upset more so that she threatened me and I know what she is capable of and I thought we had the friendship we're we could talk through our issues. if her daughter was there and upset I didn't invite her too surely just ring me and ask me too go get her? She told me I am spiteful nasty and selfish and she has no time. For some. As jealous and nasty as me and I sit here wondering if I am?

OP posts:

MintyT · 28/08/2019 06:43

I don't really know what to say other than it's horrible when these things happen. I would not engage at the moment let things settle and see how it plays out. Do you think she might have MH issues at the moment or being manipulated to act in this way. Keep calm, don't block her wait and see if she contacts you again

Lovingthesunshine88 · 28/08/2019 06:48

She sounds utterly charming!!

It sounds as though you have been a great friend to her and her DD. I think your friend will be back eventually when she needs you again but until then leave her well alone and if eventually you do decide to continue your friendship be firm with her and let her know the way she has spoken to you is disgusting.

Threatening to knife you that is just unbelievable!! Keep well away for now and don't just roll over when she comes running back otherwise she'll think she can treat you like shit whenever she wants.

You should not have to justify having another child over to play with your DD and you certainly shouldn't be attacked verbally and threatened for it.

HatsOnForTheQueen · 28/08/2019 06:57

I suspect three things here.
Firstly she is in a coercive, abusive relationship
Secondly that her partner has been spewing venom about you, feeding all her insecurities and turning her against you
Thirdly her mental health has taken a turn for the worse

The way she has spoken to you is bizarre and frankly making threats like that is literally criminal. I would be very, very concerned for her but also at the same time be unhappy about seeing her. I really hope someone on here has some advice, I just don’t know what you should do next. But do do some reading on coercive relationships, trying to isolate her from her friends is textbook behaviour.

Btw - you did nothing wrong, it sounds like you have been a fantastic friend over the years.

ems137 · 28/08/2019 07:01

I bet most of this has come from her boyfriend dripping poison into her ear bit by bit. He will have twisted every situation so you look like the bad guy

Butchyrestingface · 28/08/2019 07:04

She has threatened you with serious physical harm. You would be perfectly within your rights to report this to the police.

It may well be that a combination of an abusive relationship and a deterioration in her mental health has caused her to behave this way but your first duty is to your own safety and that of your child. Ergo, I would not be going within a million miles for the foreseeable.

Do you have serious concerns for the welfare of her child?

7yo7yo · 28/08/2019 07:04

I think the priority here would be the child I’m afraid.
I would be concerned that if your “friend” is unstable enough to threaten to knife you then she may harm the child.
Also the partner isn’t nice to the child.

I would speak to child’s dad about your concerns and would also speak to the police about the threat to knife you.
Never have her back as a friend until she splits from partner and gets help. Mental health doesn’t give you the right to treat people like this.

flapjackfairy · 28/08/2019 07:08

There is no excuse for threatening to knife you under any circumstances mental health issues or not and I would be concerned for her daughter's safety under the circumstances you describe to be honest . She sounds unhinged probably exacerbated by the boyfriend. But you have done nothing wrong but I would consider this friendship well and truly done but what you do as regards your relationship with her daughter I can't imagine

Pollypenguin01 · 28/08/2019 07:10

It doesn’t sound like her mental health is in a good place at all does it?
But that’s really not your problem, she needs professional help and I’m not sure she will get it until you and your DH aren’t there to pick up the pieces.

I would step right away and wait for her to come back with an apology. She will probably eventually leave her abusive partner in which case I imagine she will realise just how many relationships he has coerced her into loosing, or she will wake up and use you as a moaning board at which to bitch about her relationship and feel sorry for herself but do fuck all to get her shit together.

Quite honestly I would walk away, block her and never have any contact with her again. I know it would be hard but quite honestly it’s not a healthy friendship and it’s not your responsibility to save her/help her especially when she clearly thinks of you and your DH as shit.

I understand you feel like you’re helping her but she really needs to hit rock bottom to get herself in a better place and having you and your DH there as a security net stops her really feeling it and making changes.

She also seems to be under the delusion she can treat you and your DH like absolute shit because she is unwell/in a rubbish relationship and she quite clearly believes you will take her crap and carry on. Don’t let yourself be treated this way!

bigchris · 28/08/2019 07:11

She's mentally unwell

I'd ring social services

Pollypenguin01 · 28/08/2019 07:12

I would also speak to SS about the child if you REALLY believe she is unhinged enough to try and use a knife on you.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 28/08/2019 07:13

Ouch. Pretty sure it’s not you OP.

CatteStreet · 28/08/2019 07:18

Gosh, there's a lot going on here.
You need to report the threats of violence to appropriate agencies (police and/or SS) as her daughter is currently not safe with her. Further, barring a severe psychotic break or similar, anyone who threatened me with violence would no longer be in my life.

Second, would it be fair to say that you enjoy being the helper, the one people rely on? You seem to have gone to extraordinary lengths for this friend - referring to her and her child as part of your family - and you imply that having the other child over to play was also part of helping that family. What's going on there? And why are you taking her rants to heart?

Juells · 28/08/2019 07:25

There's only so much you can do for anyone else, it's time to back off and let her get on with her own life. What you've seen as 'helping' she may view as 'interfering'.

Original poster

Sp3849 · 28/08/2019 07:32

She has had alot off Professional help over the years and she has had too be sectioned on numerous occasions. She is still under mental health and psychiatric teams and is medicated. She could well have stopped her meds. She does do this. But she does have weekly therapy so hopefully they will pick up on it when she goes. Yes I do like too help people. I dont know why. Never considered it too be a bad thing. She has not had a good life and I have seen her through many of life's downs. Fair play it has thrown alot her way. As for the other family they are friends too and have been for a number of years. The father is terminal and I help out as they have no childcare for appointments and things. As they would do for me if I needed them. I suppose I have taken it too heart because I thought my friendship meant more too her

OP posts:

londonrach · 28/08/2019 07:37

Think this needs reporting the ss for the little girl. Id distance yourself but sounds like her mh isnt very good.

Juells · 28/08/2019 07:40

It sounds like this has been a while coming, that she's been taking notice of quite innocent things you do and attaching significance to them.

Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable if someone was watching everything I do and thinking I was copying them. Now you know that she's been doing that for years, when you were being supportive and friendly. This isn't a two-way relationship.

Palaver1 · 28/08/2019 07:44

Keep away well away

MC68 · 28/08/2019 07:48

HatsOnForThQueen......all 3 points made at the beginning of this message were exactly what I think.

Do not abandon your friend & her daughter as they will need your support when they get away from this man.

SavoyCabbage · 28/08/2019 07:49

I’d write a factual letter to the child’s school to let them know that you are worried about her.

Try not to take it to heart, she’s not well. You sound like a wonderful friend.

katewhinesalot · 28/08/2019 07:51

It does seem that quite often people turn against the people who have been there for them in bad times. Perhaps you are a reminder of those bad times.
Whatever, I'd never forgive anyone who threatened to "knife me".

RagamuffinCat · 28/08/2019 07:57

I think you should report the messages to the non emergency police number. They can do a welfare check to her and her daughter to check they are both safe.

Juells · 28/08/2019 07:57

Whatever, I'd never forgive anyone who threatened to "knife me".

^^ this. So over the top and vicious that I can't believe the OP is even considering that the friendship can be saved. She is dangerous.

LizzieSiddal · 28/08/2019 08:05

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I agree with others that she’s in the middle of a mental health crisis plus her partner is probably abusive.

Do you have contact details for her mental health team or her child’s father? I think you need to warn someone that you are very worried about her and she’s threatened to knife you.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/08/2019 08:05

I think you need to speak to social services and also the police.
Empty threats fair enough, but to threaten to knife you? No.. that’s too far.

Please call SS, for her daughters sake- they’ll help her.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/08/2019 08:06

SS will take control of her mental health but also ensure her daughter is safe as the priority.

Safety first, mental health second.

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