My best friend cut me off. Is it my fault?

[Sp3849]

Cutting a long story short. I am 32 and she is 29. We both have daughters same age. Both now 8. Been very good friends for 10 years. She has a history of mental health and me and my husband have always looked after her when unwell. Taken her and her daughter on numerous holidays over the years as she is a single mum. Couldnt afford it and wouldn't take her daughter alone and on bad days she struggles too care for her daughter. Literally she is like my family and her daughter is like my own. She met someone a year ago and has been gradually growing distant mental health has improved and life seems on the up for her and I am so happy for her. Her boyfriend doesn't like our friendship though. He has always made that clear he is very possessive and is not nice too her daughter. She actually convided this too me. So I have remained here for her. I walk on eggshells as I don't want him too tell her she can't speak too us anymore. More out of concern for her daughter. I frequently speak too her on the phone, visit occasionally and take the kids out for play dates. But yesterday my daughter had a different friend over too play. A little girl who lives by them, her mother is a friend of both of ours and kids are all friends. this other family are going through a rough time the father is extremely sick and they needed me too watch her. I collected the little girl and brought her too my house too play and within minutes of arriving home I received a phone call. My friend abusing me and screaming at me threatening too smash my face in! I couldn't get a word in edgeways she was wild and i was extremely confused. My friend then text me and said I was vile and nasty for leaving her daughter out! This really upset me because over the years that child has literally been ours! I would never do anything too hurt her. But I was asked too look after this other child and I would have offered too have my friends daughter but she was supposed too have been at her dad's and I don't think she was there. It continued then with my friend abusing me and threatening me and hanging up she eventually text me saying it had been building up for a while for her and she feels I copy her? And always try too out do her? I tried too ask how but her reply was I applied for uni after her (uni was always my plan) and I started my own business after her. I had no choice my husband works long hours and I needed too do it for my kids sake and she hung a picture on her wall and I hung a picture on mine? (just random pictures mind they aren't the same and I am always decorating my house) and she wants nothing more too do with me and cut me off. Blocked me of everything and told me if I got too her house she will knife me! I am so upset more so that she threatened me and I know what she is capable of and I thought we had the friendship we're we could talk through our issues. if her daughter was there and upset I didn't invite her too surely just ring me and ask me too go get her? She told me I am spiteful nasty and selfish and she has no time. For some. As jealous and nasty as me and I sit here wondering if I am?

I think her mental health has taken a turn for the worse.
This also sounds like her boy friends words fed to her to fuel her insecurities, and the result is her becoming paranoid and blowing up at you.

You’ve done nothing wrong, I would be concerned about her daughters well being though with her mum acting so unstable at the moment. Is there anyone you could speak to about it?

Yes, the dad is your first port of call. Good to hear he is around and sounds hands-on. This isnt your problem but it is great that you are a friend to her daughter, even if atm the mum is acting out of character

She sounds emotionally unstable and I'm glad to hear that she has a team working with her. Does she have a CPN? Might be worth mentioning to the duty working at the CMHT that this has happened out of the blue and while you're going to leave it alone you felt someone should know for assessment purposes.

It sounds like you've had a fall from her imaginary pedestal probably quite likely because of the boyfriend.

Back off, respect her wishes, and understand that she's probably had someone whispering stuff in her ear for a while now. It's not really rational things she's throwing at you so there's more to it.

She'll come back apologising in a bit I expect, whne she sees what the boyfriend really is

Well rid!

I just don’t understand why you want to be friends with this woman.
She is in an abuser and coercive relationship and the little girl sounds like she is at risk .
If I were you i would report to SSS and also the Police. My concern would be for the little girl not your friend.
Honestly if this were me I would have nothing whatsoever to do with this woman again. She’s very mentally unwell, not to mention dangerous.

How very upsetting for you.

I hope speaking to her ex will help?

You on the right thread, @leahkane19?

@leahkane19 I’m sorry to hear about your friends but you can not compare those 2 scenarios. There’s no comparison to friends losing interest when you have a child/ they have new boyfriends (this is normal when it comes to young adults) and a friend of 10 years with a child of the same age, who op has done so much for, and been a rock to and never expected anything in return- for her to lose her shit over something do minimal and threaten violence and knife crimes, it’s not normal, don’t compare it, it belittles what has happened to op.

You should probably report her threats to the police as that's criminal behaviour. She can't just go around threatening to knife people! Doesn't matter whether you invited her over or not Honestly I would back away, might be dangerous for your DD to be around her and her boyfriend (maybe report to SS if you are concerned about her DD?)

Keep calm, don't block her wait and see if she contacts you again

I really wouldn’t. It’s all very well trying to support someone with ongoing mental health issues, as this OP has done for years. But when threats of brandishing knives start flying around then questions arise over her personal safety. The fact that this friend has backed off and hit the ‘block’ button is a very good thing in the circumstances, and I’d be ensuring these channels of communication could not be reopened in the future.

OP, you’ve been a good friend and to be rewarded like this must be devastating: things like this really do make it seem that no good deed goes unpunished. I’m sorry that your friend is clearly very ill. But her problems are too big for you, and/or she’s in the kind of trouble you don’t need in your life. It’s not uncaring to refuse to be dragged down into that place with her. Her mental well-being is not your responsibility.

As for the little girl and the safeguarding issue, professional advice always suggests raising this with the necessary agencies and not the family. I second a PP’s advice to talk to the doctor or the school. Other than this, and for the sake of your own mental health, I suggest you detach completely.

Anyone on here who thinks reporting their friend of 10 years to SS after 1 argument because there are some issues in that persons life is not the kind of person I would ever want anywhere near my life or my children.

There's arguments, and there's phoning people out of the blue to make repeated threats on their lives. How do you manage to confuse the two?

I apologise,

I feel like a right bloody idiot as I didn't read all your post. I'm sorry if I seem disrespectful. I have asked admin to remove my comment x

OP-This really isn't about the adults in the situation. Your friend sounds mentally unwell again, and her child sounds to be in a terrible environment. Her mother is hysterical, screaming and threatening horrible violence, and her mother's boyfriend is a controlling, abuser who dislikes having a child around. I would speak to the Social Services or the NSPCC, this level of mess needs professional intervention.

Tonnerre-reporting a situation to Social Services is not a hostile act. It is an attempt to get some appropriate support and intervention for people in crisis. Whilst I think that the welfare of a child matters more than misguided loyalty to an adult, raising concerns might also get the friend some help when she needs at and/or put the professionals trying to make things better more fully in the picture.

If she’s been sectioned multiple times surely SS are well aware of the family? Reporting a significant change in behaviour and a concern about a potentially abusive partner is the act of a friend, and responsible adult. And obviously letting her ex know.

We’ve all seen the posters about reporting concerns to SS, time to act on this advice.

I would make it my last act of friendship though. She is too unstable to have in your life.

You absolutely need to report the threats. It sounds like she is having a crisis and the abusive bf won't be helpjng. By reporting you can try to help the child to be safe but also your friend. Who knows what he is saying or doing to her.

You also need to log it with 101 for you and your family safety. You have to prioritise that too. If she turns up, do not answer the door just call the police. Whether you feel you can support her is a future thought, right now she doesn't want it and she has threatened you.

Stay well away. It's clear that she doesn't want you or the children in each other's lifes. She obviously sees things from a different angle. Let her work it out herself. It's not your place to interfere either. Reporting anything could make it worse. It's clear she has a problem with you.

Report her to SS and the police.

It is your job to protect your kids and her DD.

Chatting to the dad is nowhere near enough.

Take responsibility and do the good thing.

Your first duty is to your own 8-year-old, and this isn't a suitable person to have around her. You need to cut all contact.