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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s up to me if I don’t want to celebrate my 40th?

60 replies

BizzzzyBee · 28/08/2019 00:38

My 40th birthday is coming up. I’ve never made a fuss about birthdays. Never had a party, not even for my 18th, 21st or 30th. Don’t have it listed on Facebook because I can’t be arsed with “happy birthday” messages from people who don’t really care and wouldn’t even have remembered if the app hadn’t reminded them.

On a normal birthday I don’t really celebrate. DH gets me a present and we might cook a slightly nicer tea that night, but that’s all. Now he’s insisting we have to celebrate because I’m 40, and I really don’t want to. I don’t think it’s something to celebrate - I just want to ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening. I don’t have any friends so a party would be a waste of time. All the things I’d actually like to do to celebrate (a trip to Vegas or even just getting ridiculously drunk) are off limits anyway because I have a 1yo.

DH insists I’ve just conditioned myself not to care about birthdays to avoid disappointment because I knew there’d be no celebration or party and nobody would care. Which is true, but that still applies - nobody except DH and my mother is bothered or even knows it’s my birthday.

AIBU to think he should just leave me alone and respect my decision not to celebrate? How do I convince him to drop the subject?

OP posts:

Bambamber · 28/08/2019 00:46

Your birthday your choice.

Although why can't you get ridiculously drunk with a 1 year old? Can anyone take them for the night?

Rosere · 28/08/2019 00:47

I'm new to the 40 club and didn't tell anyone really either. DH and stepkids and I went to the cinema and had a family day, did the same for his. I've never celebrated any of my milestone birthdays either. I see what your husband means though. I hadn't wanted a hen party because I didn't think anyone would want to go to celebrate me, but they did. Am delighted I had one...

Didn't change my mind on birthday parties though 😂 I still don't want one. Ever.

Original poster

BizzzzyBee · 28/08/2019 00:48

Can anyone take them for the night?
No, nobody. Unless I leave him with DH and go out on my own!

OP posts:

Original poster

BizzzzyBee · 28/08/2019 00:51

I hadn't wanted a hen party because I didn't think anyone would want to go to celebrate me
I didn’t have a hen party for the same reason. No real friends to invite who would actually give a shit. Plus nobody to organise it for me. I didn’t have one and nobody cared, which I guess just proves my point.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2019 01:14

Your husband needs to back off. Your birthday, your choice.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/08/2019 01:22

You absolutely don’t need to have a party and can celebrate how you want.

However, is there a reason you don’t have any friends? Have you not got any mum friends since having DC?

OhioOhioOhio · 28/08/2019 01:28

Your husband sounds sweet.

I'd go out for a, slightly nicer tea!

Original poster

BizzzzyBee · 28/08/2019 01:34

However, is there a reason you don’t have any friends?
I don’t know. I’ve never had any. There’s obviously something that makes people not want to be my friend but I don’t know what it is. DH thinks it’s because I’m very straight forward, intellectual and “glass half empty”, and people don’t like that. But I don’t really know.

Have you not got any mum friends since having DC?
Nope. Giving birth didn’t magically imbue me with the ability to make friends.

OP posts:

Ladyflop · 28/08/2019 01:40

I have never understand why anyone past childhood celebrate their birthday, it beats me why you would want to celebrate a year nearer to death.

Verily1 · 28/08/2019 01:44

Have you ever explored if you have autistic traits?

Katzia · 28/08/2019 01:48

BizzzzyBee

Totally get you. I have only one close friend. I find it really hard to make friends. I'm childless, most of our acquaintancs aren't, so I find their conversation banal, boring and child centric. I prefer my own company or that of just hubby and me. I have never celebrated my birthday except with hubby. I find enforced celebrations, birthdays, hallowe'en, Christmas etc extremely draining and quite pointless. To me it's all too commercialised. If someone was to organise me a party, I wouldn't be at all happy.

YouLookGood · 28/08/2019 01:50

Have you not got any mum friends since having DC?
Nope. Giving birth didn’t magically imbue me with the ability to make friends.

I perhaps see why you find it hard to make friends.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/08/2019 01:54

I don't. I am very friendly but I'm learning post 40 that I hate gaggle of groups of people. I wouldn't want a party. But you and your husband can celebrate together. It doesn't have to be with 100 of your closest friends.

BrightonBB · 28/08/2019 01:58

Have you not got any mum friends since having DC?
Nope. Giving birth didn’t magically imbue me with the ability to make friends.
I’d want to be your friend based on that fantastic response alone.

Original poster

BizzzzyBee · 28/08/2019 02:05

Have you ever explored if you have autistic traits?
I did enquire about it actually, but was told there are no resources available for supporting adults with autism therefore a diagnosis would be pointless and just a further waste of resources. After I started trying to get pregnant I didn’t pursue it any further because I thought it would count against me if I ever got divorced and ended up fighting for custody.

I perhaps see why you find it hard to make friends
Yep. I think people find me abrasive and closed off even when I’m trying to be friendly and normal.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 28/08/2019 02:16

Omg. You are so smart. That custody battle forward thinking is excellent.

Please celebrate. I think that you think that celebrating means a massive Thing.

It can be little for just the two of you. And your kids.

I do more now for my birthday than I ever would have so that I can teach my children about how to celebrate.

antipodeansun · 28/08/2019 02:40

How about celebrating it in your own (and your husband's way)? Something you can build on and develop as your child grows?

I don't really like big birthday celebrations either. But I do love swimming and nature and live in a city that has some nice beaches and nature walks within a few hours drive, and have birthday in late summer. So we started a tradition, when I was pregnant with the eldest child, of going away for the weekend closest to my birthday somewhere within 2 hours. Sometimes a new place, sometimes go back someplace we enjoyed. Sometimes friends join for a night but often it's just us - now 4. We book it months ahead, it's fixed, and we don't tend to spend much, it's often just picnics, swimming, walking, board games and reading. For the 40th did go further away but nothing like Vegas.

But it can be something else, concert, long bike ride, whatever you enjoy. It's nice to have a family tradition.

Alicewond · 28/08/2019 02:53

I’m not autistic yet you describe me, I struggle with people, there’s some I’m close to but most I can forget. I don’t like public events, but will happily blend into the background. I can hold a good job but only become close to a few people

Verily1 · 28/08/2019 02:55

Even with no formal diagnosis (most ASD adults don’t have one) it would probably help you and dp/ dc to explore further how these traits impact your lives and how to make adaptations to make life easier.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/08/2019 02:59

I don't agree. I reckon you are happy.

I think it's that untold pressure from society to be all jolly hollysticks about seeking out company.

I'm far from anti social but groups of people make me wince.

If there are 20 people in a room having an oh hilarious lunch id rather by far stay to be polite and then get back to my desk.

I love knowing that I like this instead of pretending to find the altogether occasion fun.

Blondebakingmumma · 28/08/2019 04:38

You are describing me too. I just consider myself an introvert. I feel exhausted after being around people.

I hate birthday parties too. I usually celebrate big birthdays with a holiday

Butchyrestingface · 28/08/2019 05:34

Nope. Giving birth didn’t magically imbue me with the ability to make friends

I perhaps see why you find it hard to make friends

Whereas I LOL’d at that.

HysteryMystery · 28/08/2019 06:01

Nope. Giving birth didn’t magically imbue me with the ability to make friends.

You're not alone!

PhilCornwall1 · 28/08/2019 06:14

I'm not bothered about my birthdate to be honest. My 40th was like any other day (I was travelling for work and in a hotel on my own, so couldn't give a toss). I'm going to be 50 in 3 years time and to me that's just going to be another day too.

Widowodiw · 28/08/2019 06:20

I hate my birthday - it’s so close to Xmas that no one really cares anyway. For me it’s the whole enforced thing, for example I’m expected to be happy on my birthday when actually it’s the one day I want to be a miserable fucker. Well this year is my 40th and I have to have it without my husband as he died last year. So this year I will certainly be a miserable fucker.

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