To think it’s up to me if I don’t want to celebrate my 40th?

[BizzzzyBee]

My 40th birthday is coming up. I’ve never made a fuss about birthdays. Never had a party, not even for my 18th, 21st or 30th. Don’t have it listed on Facebook because I can’t be arsed with “happy birthday” messages from people who don’t really care and wouldn’t even have remembered if the app hadn’t reminded them.

On a normal birthday I don’t really celebrate. DH gets me a present and we might cook a slightly nicer tea that night, but that’s all. Now he’s insisting we have to celebrate because I’m 40, and I really don’t want to. I don’t think it’s something to celebrate - I just want to ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening. I don’t have any friends so a party would be a waste of time. All the things I’d actually like to do to celebrate (a trip to Vegas or even just getting ridiculously drunk) are off limits anyway because I have a 1yo.

DH insists I’ve just conditioned myself not to care about birthdays to avoid disappointment because I knew there’d be no celebration or party and nobody would care. Which is true, but that still applies - nobody except DH and my mother is bothered or even knows it’s my birthday.

AIBU to think he should just leave me alone and respect my decision not to celebrate? How do I convince him to drop the subject?

Entirely up to you. I just passed 50 and didn't celebrate apart from going for a nice meal in a local pizza restaurant with my kids. No fuss at all. I don't really do birthdays. I am single at the mo, and if I ever have another partner I will make that clear to him from the start - no birthday or xmas gifts at all to each other (bah humbug some may think but I would absolutely love a relationship where that was the norm). My exh would insist I chose my own gift, then get in a strop when I said I didn't want anything, would never believe me, insist he had to get something, but not want to choose himself.

Widowodiw - just saw your post - so sorry for your loss

You say there's no one to look after your 1yo, but can't you pay a babysitter? Then you and DH could go out for a nice meal and get ridiculously drunk together.

"Nope. Giving birth didn’t magically imbue me with the ability to make friends

I perhaps see why you find it hard to make friends

Whereas I LOL’d at that. grin"

Me too. Personally I'd rather be friends with someone like the OP than the kind of person who is all fake smiles and 'hun' and giving the socially acceptable response to everything.

Or the women at work who call me 'mama bear' every time my child is brought up. VOM.

@LiveInAHidingPlace "mama bear" really? I'd be embarrassed for them if I heard that!

Totally agree. Last year we happened to be away with the in-laws on my birthday- I was mortified when I came down to breakfast and they started to sing happy birthday- it sounds very ungrateful but I really found it cringy to be the centre of attention. I also have a significant birthday next month and have been persuaded to do afternoon tea with DH and DS and his GF. DH on the other hand is already looking forward to a big 'do' when it's his turn. I have never celebrated my birthday beyond family cards and gifts - it wasn't a thing in our family when I was a child.

I hear you, OP.

One year I forgot my own birthday.

It's your choice and your husband should respect that. I had a milestone birthday fairly recently and made it clear there was to be no surprises as the thought of a surprise party fills me with dread. We went away for the weekend and it was fantastic. My husband on the other hand will be wanting the whole shebang when it's his in a few years .

How about a weekend away with DH and DC? So you don't have a party but you mark it in some way - go somewhere in the UK you've always fancied visiting.

For one of mine, for example, we went to York for the weekend and had afternoon tea at Betty's.

A party is my idea of a nightmare!

I think it’s absolutely fair enough that you don’t want a big do on your birthday (I actually have loads of friends but I hate being the centre of attention like that; my 30th involved simply going out for a meal with DP).

I do think you’re putting high expectations on what ‘friends’ should be though. You look down on your circle of acquaintances for not remembering your birthday; however in this day and age of busy lives and living in a digital age, I think you can have a close friendship with people without having to always remember their birthday or go out in big groups.

Some of my closest, dearest friends have birthdays where I know roughly which month/week it is but might have to look up exactly which day it is. Doesn’t mean that I don’t love them and care for them. Even though I don’t like parties myself I have always gone along to hen do’s, birthdays etc and celebrated with genuine joy for them.

You scoff at the notion of ‘mum friends’ but I think it’s so important to have a support network if you can as a new mum. Even just a few friendly acquaintances who you can nod to in passing or chat lightly to at classes etc.

That way if you find yourself in the shit, with DH away and DC with chicken pox, there’s someone you can call who can drop round some calpol (And wine for you!)

Friendships don’t have to be this thing you sneer at; it doesn’t have to be ‘cackling groups at lunch’ or massive parties, it can be one or two people who you can chat to or meet for coffee and cake for an hour or so. You don’t have to spill your deepest darkest secrets or know everything about them to be a ‘friend’.

Could the 3 of you go away?

I also don't like parties or any big celebrations (weddings especially ). I do actually have a large circle of friends and family but I much prefer to meet up individually with friends & enjoy their company than a great big occasion where you never have the time to talk to everyone anyway. And I loathe the expectation that your guests have to 'dress up' and buy a gift. Such a waste of money.

My DH was keen to celebrate my 5Oth & eventually I did agree to a small party which I didn't really enjoy. For my 60th I took control and booked my favourite restaurant just for immediate family.

My advice would be to plan a very small event, maybe a nice meal out, so that YOU are in control of the occasion.

People are weird about birthdays. I haven't celebrated one since I was 12 and hate presents. I was 40 this year and finally managed to get it entirely ignored. PIL, SIL and parents still insisted on sending cards but apart from that it was just another ordinary day and exactly what I wanted.

There is absolutely no reason for you to do anything you don't want to to mark a random day.

I like my birthday if I get to choose what I do - which is usually go to a book shop , buy a pile of books and disappear for the day with snacks and tea. Alternatively I give DH a list of books and he buys them , with flowers - there must be flowers and I then sit reading while smelling the flowers. Perfect.
I loathe any kind of gathering where I am the centre of attention. I don't like surprises, and I hate more than 2 females in a room together, especially when alcohol is involved. No hens night either as most of my friends are male - as were my bridesmaids. Most of my friends are from different periods of my life, and it would be a most - er, interesting gathering should they all get together as most have never met.

I left the country for my fortieth.
All I wanted to do was get the fuck away from everyone wittering on about parties etc, and have a break for just me. I had a 6 year old and a 9 year old at the time.
I went to a yoga retreat for a week.
I will do something similar for my 50th.

Tell your Dh ( and unless you are still breastfeeding , he'll cope with the one year old) you would like to celebrate by buggering off to something like I did but shorter, or have an overnight hotel stay where there is a full day spa set up. That way you can ignore the whole 40 thing while having a facial , or a massage or a sleep in an enormous bed alone.

Your birthday, your choice.

And PS. I can't remember anyones birthday and some people I've been friends with for over 30 years. They don't care, I usually ring or send a gift somewhere round the date, they know I'm shit with that sort of thing, and nor do I expect a song and dance about my birthday from any of them. They know I'm there if they need me, and vice versa.

Yanbu. I never celebrate any of my milestones I wont be next year when I am 40.
I keep birthdays to myself, immediate family siblings, DC, parents get me a gift but otherwise it is my secret.

I can never understand why adults go way over the top celebrating birthdays. In my family, we go out for a family meal (we're talking The Harvester or a carvery, nowt fancy!) when there's a 0 or 5 on the end! One of my work colleagues went to Jamaica with her family to celebrate her sister's 50th, and she admitted that several family members had to take out loans to pay for it. Why would anyone do that?!

I am totally with you on this. My personal take is I don't feel the need to celebrate getting older! I also think that organising a party is way too much hard work and expense on a day when I should be doing what I want to do, not what others think I should do. I was dreading my 60th as I didn't want people to make a fuss or organise things for me, so my h and I went away on holiday. It was brilliant - no pressure from anyone, we had a lovely relaxing time and I still remember it fondly.
Can't you at least get a babysitter and just go out for the evening, the 2 of you? Or even better, the three of you go away for a couple of days? Vegas might be a bit too far with a baby, but how about something closer to home?

I didn't want a party for my 40th. My DSis1 was insistent that I should and organised a surprise party for me. I got told about it by my OH who knew that I would hate every minute of it...being the centre of attention is not something I enjoy at all. Anyway the long and the short of it is I never turned up for the party. When I hit 50 it wasn't even mentioned and it was the best birthday ever.

Agree with Dyrne.

I can totally understand that you don't want a party or a fuss but why not mark it in some way that is special to you with your DH and your child?

Isn't there somewhere you've always wanted to visit but never been to? A country? A town? A part of the countryside? A museum? A restaurant? Or something you've wanted to do?

Wouldn't it be nicer to look back and remember special days out rather than doing nothing and all the days blending into one?

I had a small surprise party and parties are not my thing at all. It was nice that my then h thought about me and my birthday but he also knew i did not like parties for myself. I was grateful that some thought had gone into it and it was nice to see my friends. I hate that sort of attention all on me though. So if you dont want a big thing just say so is my advice.

I don’t celebrate my birthdays. Don’t see a need. Like you OP its not on my FB. Strictly no cards, kids don’t even remember when it us.

I have my reasons, and it’s kept that way. My close friends understand.

Your choice and nothing to do with anyone else.

Everything can be explain by autism

I'm in the same mood.
I don't want a party but everyone says I should.

I don't feel like I have friends, I know people and am friendly with them but i don't feel confident in the friendships,if I don't instigate things I don't get asked out myself, people don't call me or text me unless responding to me.

I'd feel like a fraud having a party

Totally up to you not to celebrate.

I only get a card and a small gift and something nice for dinner - same as DH. Never had a party and I've passed several milestone birthdays. It's not that I hate getting older or anything like that. We just don't like fuss and making a big deal out of things.

I wonder why your DH is so insistent that you have a big 40th birthday though? Surely he knows you well enough by now to know that you would not enjoy this at all.

You have said you are pretty forthright - well, maybe it's time to have a once and for all conversation with your DH about your 40th so he stops raising the subject with you.

Can't you go on a nice holiday or weekend city break with your family to celebrate? Somewhere sunny? Paris or Amsterdam on the train? Or book a posh tea, spa day, stay in a nice country hotel, shopping trip and lunch in a nice city, boat trip, exhibition, trip to the seaside, walk in the country... whatever floats your boat. Most of these could be done as a family.

Celebrating doesn't necessarily always mean partying, but it does mean doing something nice for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. If you can afford it, a little extravagance whatever that means for your budget.

Think about something you would really like to do and then book it!