To think it’s up to me if I don’t want to celebrate my 40th?

[BizzzzyBee]

My 40th birthday is coming up. I’ve never made a fuss about birthdays. Never had a party, not even for my 18th, 21st or 30th. Don’t have it listed on Facebook because I can’t be arsed with “happy birthday” messages from people who don’t really care and wouldn’t even have remembered if the app hadn’t reminded them.

On a normal birthday I don’t really celebrate. DH gets me a present and we might cook a slightly nicer tea that night, but that’s all. Now he’s insisting we have to celebrate because I’m 40, and I really don’t want to. I don’t think it’s something to celebrate - I just want to ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening. I don’t have any friends so a party would be a waste of time. All the things I’d actually like to do to celebrate (a trip to Vegas or even just getting ridiculously drunk) are off limits anyway because I have a 1yo.

DH insists I’ve just conditioned myself not to care about birthdays to avoid disappointment because I knew there’d be no celebration or party and nobody would care. Which is true, but that still applies - nobody except DH and my mother is bothered or even knows it’s my birthday.

AIBU to think he should just leave me alone and respect my decision not to celebrate? How do I convince him to drop the subject?

I was the person who asked about why you don’t have friends. I was thinking more along the lines that having a baby can be quite isolating if you don’t have friends around.

We moved to where we live now when I was pregnant and we commuted to another town for work, so didn’t know anyone local. Both DH and I are quite introvert (so not ones for big parties) but have made a number of local friends through baby groups and then later school. It’s been good for us, but more importantly good for DS. And as another PP said it is good having a support network when you have a DC.

phil they're American, generally, so the cheese can be high.

"Wouldn't it be nicer to look back and remember special days out rather than doing nothing and all the days blending into one?"

That sums up why i celebrate my Birthday. It's one if the days of the year on which you know what you were doing, on that day, the previous years.

I'm also Widowed and this year a show was on, on my deceased DH's Birthday, that we'd been to see 30 yeats ago. So I went again, on my own.

Sometimes it's nice to reflect. I've been through tough times and it's also good to remind ourselves that we've got through them.

Christmas and New Year is about similar feelings, for me. I had an abusive childhood, there were no real celebrations of anything, or happy times, growing up.

So I've given them to myself.

We're (me and my Adult children) are more of an experience, rather than gift buying, family. So it would be at the least a day out for my Birthday. When my children were little, I'd have two celebrations. One with them and another more 'Adult'.

If you've got loads of disposable income/time off work/babysitters, you might not need a special occasion.
But most of us have to justify spending and coordinate work/school/hobby schedules for a meet up and special food.

I'd never have a party though, because i despise dancing.

Everything @Dyrne said.

If you're happy the way you are and don't want to change that's okay, but do consider it for the sake of your one year old. He will be modelling your social skills as he grows up and so it's worth seeking to improve them.

Celebrate your birthday in your own way. It's your birthday. I don't ever really want a big celebration for my birthday but I do like to do something special to mark it. My birthday is in December so my favourite thing to do is to organise do a Christmas outing with my DS. I normally book his Santa visit on the weekend closest to my birthday. This year my birthday is a Saturday so it will be on my bIrthday. I'm thinking of a super Christmas experience in a nearish city and ice-skating as I'm a skating fanatic but rarely get to go ice-skating. Last year was my 40th and I felt really unwell with a cold/fluey thing. But I managed to take him and a school friend to the stupid Coca-Cola trucks which has become a tradition for us because they always park up at a shopping centre visible from my house.

So maybe a special family day out with you 1yo would be something you could do. I suspect your husband just wants to mark the day and make you feel special.

I totally understand if you (or any of the other posters on here) don’t want to celebrate birthdays but I do hate this sneering attitude that some posters have on here about any adults celebrating their birthdays.

I bloody love birthdays and do something for all of mine (go big for the 0 ones). Life can be bloody hard at times and every birthday reached is, for me, a reason to have fun with my friends.

But it is personal - why don’t you compromise and do something nice just you and dh.

I don't do parties but like celebrating with a day trip out and nice meal, weekend away,cinema etc.. just me, dp and kids. It's nice to mark it in some way but no need for massive social occasions with friends.

"On a normal birthday I don’t really celebrate. DH gets me a present and we might cook a slightly nicer tea that night, but that’s all. Now he’s insisting we have to celebrate because I’m 40, and I really don’t want to. I don’t think it’s something to celebrate - I just want to ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening"
OP, you should have the birthday you want. You don't want to celebrate so you shouldn't. If on normal birthdays you might just have a present from DH and cook a slightly nicer tea, then just continue doing that. You just have to make your DH understand that is what you really want.

It sounds like your DH will want to have a bigger celebration than that though when he reaches a milestone birthday. You do need to recognise that and not expect him to celebrate as you would do. He will be disappointed if you don't make a big effort for his.

You need to think about your little one's future birthdays too, even if it is just having a tea party with the family. More likely, as your child gets older, they will want parties with school friends. You will need to ensure that, just because you don't want to celebrate birthdays in a big way, your child and husband may well want to celebrate theirs in style. You will need to step up to ensure their birthdays are as enjoyable a possible.

I’m totally with you on the birthday fuss but I think like another poster said, that he might want a party for his.
Meanwhile I’d suggest you sit down with him and discuss details. Ask him who he plans to invite to your party (considering you have few friends) Is he hiring a 200 capacity place where the booming fun DJ will echo around the dark empty corners of the room, where the array of buffet food will soften sadly uneaten? Ask him if he’s going to be inviting Brenda, who you briefly worked with in 2009 and have not seen since, just because he found her number and is desperate? Will he, in equal desperation to fill his 200 capacity hall, start searching for old school acquaintances and end up inviting Graham with whom you had an unsatisfactory if not slightly painful fumble with during the closing hours of the end of term 6th form disco?
I think he’ll see the light or it’ll turn out that he figured it would be you actually organising this party in which case organise an Airbnb in a place you like that’s child-friendly and get drunk with partner in a different kitchen.