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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum's behaviour on holiday

70 replies

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:09

I have name changed for this but am a long time member.
My mum is retired and does have her nice side.
She has done a lot for me in the past, as most parents do.
However recently we went on a major family holiday and she came too.
Since our return dh had said that he will not visit her again.
Basically she was a nightmare on holiday.
My dd1 had to have words with her and tell her on more than one occasion to shut up and sit down.
I also had to speak to her, several times.
After a major incicent, which resulted in a relative of dh saying they did not want to sit next to her, ever, and would rather walk home than be seated next to her on the plane, I walked out of the hotel bar and went back to our room fuming.
She did apologise the next morning, after being told to by my adult dd. I told her that she was bang out of order and the argument was 100%caused by her.
She has not apologised to my ds whom she was ranting about even though she was found to be 100% in the wrong.
She spent a lot of the holiday moaning, calling people fat, moaning that the food was 'crap' even though she managed to stuff her face every single day.
Told everyone that people who don't work are 'lazy' even though my dss has recently lost his job. The moaning was every day.
On the final morning I shouted at her in the restaurant after She started an argument with another of our friends about flight seats.
To avoid arguing back, our friends left the restaurant. She then asked " Oh where have they gone? "
I told her : " they have gone to get out of your way! " I had lost my cool by this time.
My dh then left and dd1 again tried to have a word with her and Ask her to please think before she speaks.

My dh had said he will never go on holiday with her again and I am behind him on this.

I'm now wondering whether to bring it up with her, again. Leave it. Try and faze myself from her life.
To make matters much worse I am an only child and feel burdened by this.
I have in the past tried my best to encourage her to make friends but she gets so aggressive that she falls out with people very easily.
She has always been a glass half full person.

I really wish there was someone else to deal with her.

Has anyone got any advice?

Sorry my post is vague, I'm trying g to avoid being outed.
The rest of the holiday was great.

OP posts:

bambalaya · 27/08/2019 19:14

Sounds like a nightmare. Bin her

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:15

She was also chewing my friends ear off, who told me they were tolerating her only for my sake, because we are such good friends, about my son!
Basically my son fell asleep after drinking ( he is a quiet young man who doesn't normally drink much) and my mother was flagging him off to my friend.
My dh said he can't forgive her for this, she was acting as if he had raped someone.
His mum tried to have a word with her and she but her head off.

OP posts:

Podwoman888 · 27/08/2019 19:17

How old is she?

Could she be starting with dementia?

littlepaddypaws · 27/08/2019 19:18

is she like this normally or is is foreign climes bring her out in a dose of grumps and being rude ?

littlepaddypaws · 27/08/2019 19:19

dementia ? that's nice and early in the thread.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 27/08/2019 19:21

Early dementia diagnosis

1Morewineplease · 27/08/2019 19:21

Oh dear, sounds like she’s had her full of the all-inclusive. I’d leave her be and not engage with her. If she contacts you then tell her that her behaviour on holiday was unacceptable. If you can’t face telling her then , maybe , keep your distance but she will wonder why and so you will have to tell her. This is a shitty position that she has put you in but it is her doing, not yours.

LemonAddict · 27/08/2019 19:23

Is this behaviour a fairly recent thing or has she always been like this?

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:26

She seems to have gotten worse but in all honesty I can say she has always been quite negative and bitter.
She the type of person who will find a way of twisting a pleasant conversation around so that she can then slab someone off iwswim.

OP posts:

ginandbearit · 27/08/2019 19:27

Well dementia is a reality and one of the early symptoms is poor impulse control , lowering of mood and disinhibition ...if she's been a moody boot all her life an escalation in verbal aggression and lack of insight is a v good indication of mental deterioration associated with dementia .

CSIblonde · 27/08/2019 19:30

Well, she's hideous in a group setting so lesson learnt & keep it just you & DH from now on & no more group holidays. Sometimes if unsocial, isolated people are out of their very small bubble they can't cope so get irritable, maybe that's the reason if she's not been a nightmare before this.

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:31

After the holiday I have it more thought and remember her being a total bitch to my step sister. I remember her making my step sister break down and cry. I was still a teenager at the time, it was the last time I went on holiday with her.

Maybe as a kid you accept things or don't know any different.
She could be very living to me but like I said very nasty to people when she wanted to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:34

I think I've trod on eggs shells for a very long time now.
Not sure how to proceed but I'm not inviting her here if dh doesn't want her here. He can't hold a conversation with her without her getting angry/agressive.

OP posts:

littlepaddypaws · 27/08/2019 19:37

my mil has always has the so called symptoms that gin mentions but it's not due to the 'd' word. i'm dismissive as we are all randoms on here who don't know the mil as a person so can't possibly diagnose.
unless there is a back story, such behaviour is usually blamed on mh or dementia on mn

girlywhirly · 27/08/2019 19:38

I think it would be best all round if all of you avoided going on holiday with your mum. If that’s the way she behaves she doesn’t really deserve your company. I fail to see how she has a nice side. Was she drunk all the time?

Lulualla · 27/08/2019 19:42

Do you mean a glass half empty type of person? Because she sound every negative.
Glass half full type would mean she is a positive person.

You've learned your lesson here. Don't travel with her. She's still your mum and you can still maintain a relationship with her and check in on her every couple of weeks, but you don't need to go out for meals with her or invite her to family days with your husband and kids. You don't need to explain but if she asks or if you want too, then just tell her the truth.

Butchyrestingface · 27/08/2019 19:47

My dh said he can't forgive her for this, she was acting as if he had raped someone.

Blimey. What exactly did she say?

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:48

Yes glass half empty is what I mean.
I definately won't be inviting her on holiday again.
This was actually our wedding, so even more upsetting that she was so bloody rude and out of order.

My dd told her under her breath that if she spoilt our wedding she would be for it. That is why every tolerated her do as to not cause a scene at our wedding.

OP posts:

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 27/08/2019 19:48

Tbh you all sound as bad as each other, your dd telling her to shut up and sit down, you shouting in a restaurant, friends getting up and leaving. Good Lord,the drama!

Was there a lot of alcohol involved?

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2019 19:49

So no more holidays with her, clearly! Does she live near you so you see her a lot? I never drag my dh to see my mother, he can’t stand her.

MollyButton · 27/08/2019 19:52

Well I'd have thought possible dementia or small strokes - but if she's always been like this - then maybe you need to read "Toxic Families" and maybe even hang out on the Stately Homes thread in Relationships. Even though all of that is another MN cliche. But if she has always been unpleasant - maybe you need to take an honest look and stop being blinded by FOG (fear obligation and guilt).
Take time to concentrate on those who really love you and re-assess the situation. Maybe get some counselling.

Some parents don't deserve dutiful children.

Lulualla · 27/08/2019 19:52

Oh good. I thought you meant that she had previously been glass half full and positive, but on this holiday she was completely horrible and out of control. So I was going to agree with those suggesting she needs to see a doctor. But if she's always been horrible then it's just the way she is. All you can do is limit your interactions to safe places were she can't have a go at other people.

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 19:54

mrsp
My update tells you it was my wedding.
The guests who left did so at breakfast, so no nobody had been drinking. They left to avoid having to listen to her and that's when I had had enough.
There is no excuse for her behaviour, none.
I'm quite sure if it was your child's wedding and someone was causing a scene, you would be furious too.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 27/08/2019 19:57

Tbh you all sound as bad as each other, your dd telling her to shut up and sit down, you shouting in a restaurant, friends getting up and leaving. Good Lord,the drama!

Not sure that's fair, apart from perhaps the husband's "rape" comments. That sounded a touch RSC.

Original poster

Holidaywoes123 · 27/08/2019 20:00

It's very hard to explain to those with nice " normal" parents. My mil is fabulous and dh dad passed away.
You have to watch what you say, always. My dh can't say anything without her twisting it to her own agenda and slagging someone off.
It's so difficult because my kids love her, even though she is hard work, and I don't have anyone else to share the burden with.

OP posts:

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