My mum's behaviour on holiday

[Holidaywoes123]

I have name changed for this but am a long time member.
My mum is retired and does have her nice side.
She has done a lot for me in the past, as most parents do.
However recently we went on a major family holiday and she came too.
Since our return dh had said that he will not visit her again.
Basically she was a nightmare on holiday.
My dd1 had to have words with her and tell her on more than one occasion to shut up and sit down.
I also had to speak to her, several times.
After a major incicent, which resulted in a relative of dh saying they did not want to sit next to her, ever, and would rather walk home than be seated next to her on the plane, I walked out of the hotel bar and went back to our room fuming.
She did apologise the next morning, after being told to by my adult dd. I told her that she was bang out of order and the argument was 100%caused by her.
She has not apologised to my ds whom she was ranting about even though she was found to be 100% in the wrong.
She spent a lot of the holiday moaning, calling people fat, moaning that the food was 'crap' even though she managed to stuff her face every single day.
Told everyone that people who don't work are 'lazy' even though my dss has recently lost his job. The moaning was every day.
On the final morning I shouted at her in the restaurant after She started an argument with another of our friends about flight seats.
To avoid arguing back, our friends left the restaurant. She then asked " Oh where have they gone? "
I told her : " they have gone to get out of your way! " I had lost my cool by this time.
My dh then left and dd1 again tried to have a word with her and Ask her to please think before she speaks.

My dh had said he will never go on holiday with her again and I am behind him on this.

I'm now wondering whether to bring it up with her, again. Leave it. Try and faze myself from her life.
To make matters much worse I am an only child and feel burdened by this.
I have in the past tried my best to encourage her to make friends but she gets so aggressive that she falls out with people very easily.
She has always been a glass half full person.

I really wish there was someone else to deal with her.

Has anyone got any advice?

Sorry my post is vague, I'm trying g to avoid being outed.
The rest of the holiday was great.

What would you lose by going NC with her? As MN advises so often, it's time to back your DH.

You poor thing

What a horrible situation to be in, an only child feeling pressure/guilt to keep a relationship with your toxic mum.

She clearly is just not a very nice person, for whatever reason. She has disrespected you and her grandchildren by spoiling your wedding and talking them down to others.

Time for you to put up your boundaries and protect yourself and your children.
If I were in your shoes I would phase her out, if she confronts you, you will have to be honest and say you can't have someone ruining your wedding/slagging off your children - especially your own mother ffs! It's pretty unforgivable.

It sounds very distressing and embarrassing, Holidaywoes. Well one thing is for sure, she won't be going on holiday with you again and may soon find herself with no friends at all.

I won't suggest 'no contact' but try to keep visits short.

Congratulations on your wedding!

I’m sorry op. My mother is also like that. I’d say she has a personality disorder but also she’s just not a nice person.

Oh I would deffo. put her on the naughty step for this. My mother would have behaved in the same way hence she was never invited on holiday. I did hear that she spoilt two other holidays that friends invited her on, so it was not particular to my family but anyone really.

We have not spoken for years now.

I get where you are coming from - but ultimately she isn't your responsibility.

Just think about that.
She alienates people, but that doesn't mean she is your responsibility,

Please read Toxic families. (Your Father is probably enabling her.)

It's the guilt.
I've carried guilt all my life.
The rape comment was in response to how she was carrying on.
All my ds had done was get drunk and fall asleep. So when my mum tried to call him he did not answer. She then spent maybe 40 minutes slagging him off to my friend. Ds did come down to the restarant, all was good or so I thought until my mum accused him of taking her key!
Several of us tried to tell her he had not taken her key. The relative said why didn't my mum simply go to reception and get a second key ( which was advertised as available).
Well any normal person would do that but not her!
She kicked off big time.
Accusing my ds of having the key.
The relative asked to look in her bag, my mum threw her bag down and began shouting. My ds came down and again said he did not have her key. She was really angry by this stage. I then picked up her bag and the first thing I felt was the key!!!
Myself and dh left straight away.
That's what dh ment. She was acting as if someone had been raped or murdered.
It was all her fault and this was supposed to be a lovely intimate holiday to celebrate our wedding.
She did not appologise until told to do so by my dd.
Obviously dd was annoyed on behalf of her very quite brother, who had done nothing wrong.
Nobody was causing a scene except my mother.

No mistake I won't be inviting her again, just thought it would be nice for her to come. I'm fact it was her who asked to come.

I agree with poster MrsPellegrinoPetrichor

Your mother sounds like a narcissist - and she can't even allow you to have your wedding day be a hood memory.
It's all about her and keeping the attention on herself at all times - and at others expense.

Why does it have to be dementia? Or anything else with a label?

She's just not a nice person. If she has no friends because of her behaviour, that's on her not you. You don't have to somehow make up for it and be her social life. She's shown you just what she's capable of. Cut contact to a minimum, and above all cut the guilt. None of this is your fault.

I agree a little bit with MrsPellegrinoPetrichor.
There were too much drama e.g. this person who was listening about your son why she/he didn’t stop the conversation straight away?
My parents are not angels at all so tbh I know these situations too well. Every family gathering is ending in disagreement. It’s very draining. But the problem is that no one stays calm, there is always someone like your mum ( in my case it could be our Mum or Dad) but the others are not perfect either.
You didn’t give many details, it could be very bad, of course. So far it looks like you’re overreacting because you’ve got especially high expectations this time. Why you are surprised? your Mum behaved as usual, she’s not the nicest person but she’s still your Mum. Don’t go NC, tell her when you’re upset or don’t like her words but calmly politely and straight away. And don’t go on holidays with her anymore.

Now she’s retired does she spend a lot of time on her own? I think this in itself can make people incredibly intolerant.
I grew up on a road with lots of bungalows with widowed women on them - several of them were incredibly hard work, miserable cantankerous old birds!

I have a neighbour now and we are suffering from this problem. The less time she spends with people (particularly her son) the more insular and difficult she’s become.

I don’t think it’s always dementia!

Oh the joys of family holidays. 3 generations shouldn't holiday together, it always ends badly!

Congratulations in the wedding.

Sounds like you shoukd have a calm word tell her how you feel and move on. But for the sake if your marriage I would be reducing visits gradually and not feel guilty that's for sure. Doesn't sound like there is anything wring with her, just how she is.

Why on earth is she coming on honeymoon with you? Even if you had a good relationship, that's seriously weird.

How old is your dd1? Just sounds a bit disrespectful her telling your dm to shut up and sit down, especially if young/teen. Older not so much I guess if it was justified.

I’m an only child and have been NC with my mother for over 5 years. Best thing I ever did for my own mental well-being. You don’t owe her anything.

@MrsPellegrinoPetrichor. So what would you do? Just let her get away with abusing just about every other person on the holiday.

She was obviously pushing and pushing and pushing. I don't know many people that wouldn't have lost their cool with her.

She is going to be a very lonely old lady...

It sounds like she has a personality disorder. Be nice, limit contact.

This sounds like the perfect time to go NC. I agree with PP thar you should have a look at Toxic Parents.

It's time to live your life without all this bullshit. You need to back your DH - he's right. She also verbally abuses him and your kids none of you should be subject to that.

Fuck sake, dementia (and also autism) always get trotted out.

SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST CUNTS.

It was our wedding!
We married aboard.
Is that so hard to understand?
That’s why my mum was there.
Surely it’s not too much to ask that you do not cause a scene at your only child’s wedding!!!

That is why people , including myself and dh, were extremely tolerant.
That is why my dd , who is 23, quietly told her to sit down, before she could cause another argument.
It wasn’t some pushed up cheap holiday. It was a luxury wedding overseas.
It was not a place to start causing a scene.
That is why some of our guests had breakfast and excused themselves from the table, because of my mother.
It must be lovely to live a life where you have wonderful parents and nobody in your life has ever caused you stress.
Unfortunately my mother is not like that.

I’m asking for advice.
I don’t know how to deal with her, other than cut contact or severely reduce it but it is difficult because I am a nice person.
If I didn’t give a shit it would be easier but I’m not like that, hence my tolerance if her.
Yes she is lonely.
But what can I do?
It’s not up to me to help her make friends.

I don’t know how to deal with her, other than cut contact or severely reduce it but it is difficult because I am a nice person.

Do this! Read Toxic Families, go on the Stately homes thread. She is not nice, and ultimately you don't really owe her anything - especially after behaving like that at your wedding.

I feel for you Op.
I eloped simply to avoid such drama. Not just from my side.

And , for those saying dementia is too easy trotted out. Well, yes, but looking back, my mum had early onset. We just thought she was being more difficult than usual. She had never been easy.

We didn't know it had been dementia encroaching on a not very positive person for years.

I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry. Mum ruined a holiday for me too. Not my wedding though!

I grew up on a road with lots of bungalows with widowed women on them - several of them were incredibly hard work, miserable cantankerous old birds!

My 83 year old neighbour says her older sister is like this, very negative, everything is worse for her than for anyone else. She says she’s bored of her phone calls!

Oh the joys of family holidays. 3 generations shouldn't holiday together, it always ends badly!

I don’t think that’s the case for many families, or why would they do it? I spent a week abroad with grandparents, adult dc and grandchildren, recently, zero bad feeling or cross words.

OP, you’re nice but you don’t have to be a mug. If she persistently spoils experiences-and to spoil your wedding is, IMO, absolutely unforgivable-then reduce how much time you spend with her. Tell her why and if she doesn’t improve, reduce, reduce, reduce. You owe her nothing if she’s been a pain with you.

I don't think you should cut her off, but manage your relationship with her so that you don't let her ruin your life. Decide on a certain amount of time and arrange outings/visits that are going to elicit the least amount of moaning and anxiety for you and stick to it.

She may be unhappy, you have tried to include her to make her happy but ultimately, you can take a horse to water. Just manage her so that she doesn't infect your happiness. Unless she has done something awful I think it would be cruel to cut her off.

It must be hard being an only child and feeling responsible for her