My mum's behaviour on holiday

[Holidaywoes123]

I have name changed for this but am a long time member.
My mum is retired and does have her nice side.
She has done a lot for me in the past, as most parents do.
However recently we went on a major family holiday and she came too.
Since our return dh had said that he will not visit her again.
Basically she was a nightmare on holiday.
My dd1 had to have words with her and tell her on more than one occasion to shut up and sit down.
I also had to speak to her, several times.
After a major incicent, which resulted in a relative of dh saying they did not want to sit next to her, ever, and would rather walk home than be seated next to her on the plane, I walked out of the hotel bar and went back to our room fuming.
She did apologise the next morning, after being told to by my adult dd. I told her that she was bang out of order and the argument was 100%caused by her.
She has not apologised to my ds whom she was ranting about even though she was found to be 100% in the wrong.
She spent a lot of the holiday moaning, calling people fat, moaning that the food was 'crap' even though she managed to stuff her face every single day.
Told everyone that people who don't work are 'lazy' even though my dss has recently lost his job. The moaning was every day.
On the final morning I shouted at her in the restaurant after She started an argument with another of our friends about flight seats.
To avoid arguing back, our friends left the restaurant. She then asked " Oh where have they gone? "
I told her : " they have gone to get out of your way! " I had lost my cool by this time.
My dh then left and dd1 again tried to have a word with her and Ask her to please think before she speaks.

My dh had said he will never go on holiday with her again and I am behind him on this.

I'm now wondering whether to bring it up with her, again. Leave it. Try and faze myself from her life.
To make matters much worse I am an only child and feel burdened by this.
I have in the past tried my best to encourage her to make friends but she gets so aggressive that she falls out with people very easily.
She has always been a glass half full person.

I really wish there was someone else to deal with her.

Has anyone got any advice?

Sorry my post is vague, I'm trying g to avoid being outed.
The rest of the holiday was great.

Though id taken holiday as i was at end of tether. Got the guilts and took her along . It was supposed to be time out time to give me rest. She turned it into nightmare.

I too have an awful mother so I feel justified in being harsh with you. Stop hiding behind the lie that you are too nice. You are not. You are in the FOG: fear obligation guilt.

You threw other people under the bus because you are afraid of your mother. That's not being too nice. It isn't nice at all.

You know what your mother is like but you still let her come to your wedding.

Your DD had to tell off her GM because you failed to deal with it.

Your friends walked out and you hadn't even given your mother a bollocking yourself.

Given a choice betweeb upsetting your DH and your mother you chose to set the wedding up to be ruined. Even now you are saying you are probably too nice to choose your good husband over your bad mother.

That's the FOG. It is not you being too nice. It is the opposite.

Apologise to your friends, your husband, your children, your extended family for failing to protect them from your bonkers mother. Tell them you will start valuing them over her. Start being nice to the people who are nice.

If you find it too difficult to prioritise all the good people in your life over the one mean crazy person, then get yourself to therapy asap and let your loved ones know you are trying to get your priorities right but years of conditioning to avoid her wrath above all else are hard to unwind.

Read up on daughters of narcissistic mothers, FOG and codependency. You'll see yourself there. It is possible to get over it.

FWIW, I did not let my mother come to my wedding. She kicked off and still moans. Idc. I had a lovely wedding. Your wedding is done but you can have many other lovely times if you get out of the FOG.

I’m picturing Madge from Benidorm.

Every sympathy. Maybe a bit of distance will help the dust to settle. Summer holidays & Christmas test the best of relationships x

Fuck sake, dementia (and also autism) always get trotted out.

SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST CUNTS
^
This. I worked in dementia care for 10yrs. Not every person with any type of dementia suddenly becomes a nasty vindictive person due to the condition. In fact the vast majority dont.
Sick to death of every time someone is a complete shit to their kids/family the first option on here is they must have dementia!

Some people are just nasty all their lives. I have known a fair few in my time.

I’d certainly not go on family holidays anymore. But ‘bin her’? That sounds a tad drastic. It’s difficult to know how bad the arguments were as the post is vague. It would have to be something pretty awful for me to cut her out of my life completely.

I totally agree with towelNumber 42

I wish id had that insight earlier in my life.

I wouldn't have her visit your house given the way she treats your family, and tell her exactly why. She crossed a line at the wedding and there has to be consequences. By all means visit her but if she attempts to kick off or give out about anyone, you just get up and leave, every time. If you don't tolerate her behaviour then she won't have an audience. But have the conversation with her first that this is the way it will be from now on. Your Dh and kids can choose to see her if they want but should not be expected to tolerate her at all.

rsc?

HolidayWoes first off, congratulations on your marriage. What a shame your trip was marred by your DM. I hope you still managed to have a lovely, memorable wedding.

She does sound like she likes it all to be about her, and that she doesn't need to watch what she says. I think If I were you, I'd sit down with her and tell her exactly what she did, why it was wrong, and the consequences. In fact - ask her how she would react in your shoes?

It is perfectly fair for your sparkly new DH to refuse to be in her company. As an only child, that leaves you in a bad place. However, you need to do what is right for you, your DH, your grown DC. She doesn't get to just ruin things and that's the end of the story.

Tbh you all sound as bad as each other, your dd telling her to shut up and sit down, you shouting in a restaurant, friends getting up and leaving. Good Lord,the drama!

60 messages on this thread and you're the only person to say that^. You sound like a pain in the arse.

lesley prob royal shakespeare company, pp is referring to the dramas

I feel for u not having any siblings because they really would help keep her under control lol
Mums are funny creatures but u only have one and she's obviously a bit bitter or feels sorry for herself and likes to play the victim.
Some people like being miserable and bitchy and u just won't change that
She's been a bit of a dick and u don't have to invite her to anything but don't cut her out u won't feel good for it
It's not your fault she is the way she is and it's no reflection on you either
I would juts apologise to anyone who was offended and explain she's a dick

@TowelNumber42 harsh but probably true. All I’d say is that even being in FOG, @Holidaywoes123 could well be nice - the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

I think “people pleasers” are completely lacking in assertiveness skills, often because they have very low self respect but also because they have been trained and guilt tripped by someone manipulative into thinking they are responsible for everyone else’s happiness.

She has done a lot for me in the past - and I bet she never lets you forget that, does she @Holidaywoes123? “After everything I’ve done for you” blah blah blah?

Your parents are supposed to love and protect YOU. Not the other way round. Children don’t ask to be born. You are not responsible for your Mother’s emotional wellbeing. If she’s lonely then she needs to find - and keep - her own friends.

Your priorities are you, your children and your husband. Put their (and your) feelings before that of your Mother. If you don’t feel you can go No Contact then go low contact and keep the time you spend with her short. And I’d suggest counselling to help with the guilt she has programmed you to feel.

I sympathise, OP, my Dad is similar and he's had MH problems all his life.

Those who suggested that you shouldn't have invited her to your wedding/holiday clearly don't realise what the fallout would be, as you'd never hear the end of it! I'm sorry she was such a pain but what's done is done and all you can do now is move forward.

I've realised that I need to treat my Dad like a small child who's constantly on the edge of a tantrum. I don't share much with him and
organise visits/days out that don't involve too many people who he can fall out with (!) and doing things he enjoys. I'd suggest doing the same and not bringing your DH along unless absolutely necessary.

Despite what PP's have said, I don't think it's just guilt and fear that drives relationships with these types of parents. I genuinely love my Dad and feel sorry that he can't see how his behaviour worsens his own life. Your Mum sounds similar and it's really v. sad.

Just remember that her demons aren't yours.

That all sounds like a nightmare, OP. Just remember never to go on holiday with her again.

Some people are horrible travelling companions but are still good in other situations.

OP
I'm so sorry your wedding was plagued by your mums nastiness and quick temper. She sounds terribly judgmental and opinionated, yet sees herself as perfection personified.
My mum was the same. I was caught up in this awful FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I always thought of her needs before anyone else's. I did this for decades. Then one day she pushed it too far with me and I went NC for 2 years. It was awful to start with. She tried to infiltrate herself with my friends (they weren't interested as they'd worked out years/decades before what a nasty woman she was and had only tolerated her for me). I had a breakdown. People opened up to me about how they'd seen her treat everyone....no one had ever escaped her wrath and bitterness.
It took 2 years for me to recover and move forward and detach myself from her poison and a need for a relationship with her.
I'm now back in contact, on my terms, my DC and DH and my close friends come first. I will not tolerate anything I'm not comfortable with.
Mum behaves with me now, she's probably aware that I'll take no crap from her. But, I'll reiterate, the relationship is on my terms.
My breakdown was terrible, I felt suicidal and alone and unloved. For me my mums bad behavior just showed how little I mattered and that was hard for me, very hard.
However you handle this I wish you well. But don't let yourself get into a position like I did.
Take a break from her, don't tolerate her bad behavior, walk quietly away each time. No attempt to reason with her will ever help, I can promise you that. Give yourself time to decide what you want.
Big hug. I know it hurts. X

@TowelNumber42
I totally agree with you

Thank you for all your posts.
It's helpful to know that lots of you have been through similar.
To be fair in recent years I have never invited her to events I'm attending with friends or dh 's family because I know she can be difficult.
I tend to keep it just her and myself or she often wants to see the dcs.
I've done things with just my dd1 and both my mother and mil expressed a desire to come but I've said no.
I thought this would be different 😕
In fairness we made sure she did not spoil it however I'm not impressed with her behaviour.
Yes I probably should have stepped in sooner but I did speak to her more than this.
I've tried to be vague to avoid being recognised but I left some details out.
The breakfast incident for example.
Before some of our guests left the table I did have cross words with her.
Our guests were flying home before us and were arranging seating on the plane.
I'm fairness I said not to sit my son next to her after his she had spoken about him. Nobody wanted to sit next to her, everyone was being very polite about it.
Dh asked me not to sit her next to his mother, she was appalled at how she had kicked off about my son.
My mum was at the table but seated away from me. She then got agitated about why we were sorting seats and why is it such a big deal, why am I making such a fuss just sit down in the seat you are allicated.
Well I was having to deal with it because of her!
Because nobody wanted to get lumbered with her!
So I asked her outright where does she want to sit, she answered its not important so I pushed the issue a d asked her which seat she wants. She insisted that she would sit anywhere. So I clarified this again and then said well I that case why are you even talking about it then? You have just said you will sit anywhere so what is your problem?
I also told her to stop getting aggressive with me as she tends to start showing her teeth and raising from her seat.
She then made a dig about " lazy sods who don't work" whilst looking straight at dss ( who has lost his job).
Dss sofly asked her if she was referring to him she said no.
Dss and his sibling and their grandma ( dh's mum) then left the table.
My mum asked where they had gone and this was when I calmly ( no other tables could hear) told her that they had gone to get away from her as they could stand listening to her no longer.
She shut up then. Then the rest of us decided to leave and arranged to meet in 15 minutes. I left her sitting there and made no effort to speak to her for the rest of the morning.
I even had a word with her as she was leaving the resort, we stayed in longer. She wasn't happy but I had to say it. I was blunt with her and she was miffed that I had had to speak to her rather like a child being reminded how to behave.
I have seen her since and again cut her dead when she began to get negative, not about myself or family but just in general.
I think the most hurtful thing is that you expect an adult to behave in a certain manner and not be difficult whilst on holiday at a beautiful venue, celebrating your daughters wedding.
I have had a look at the recommended reading towel suggested and yes, I think you are correct about her.
To be clear and maybe this is part of being a narcissist, she swings between saying how much myself and my children mean to her telling me we are " her world", and then saying awful and totally uncalled for things about my son.
I think I will speak to her again about her behaviour.
I already cut her off when she goes on a rant about people not connected to me.

I never invite her to our house, she tends to call to see dd2 and dd2 tells me in advance.
Christmas is awkward because she has nowhere else to go.
Other than than I've stopped accepting invited to anything she does.
She asked if I was going to see her at the weekend and I've said no.
I do feel guilty about not helping her with her garden but I'm going to have to try and somehow deal with that.

Coping with the misplaced guilt is a huge hurdle but my goodness it changes your life to at first stop pandering despite the wracking guilt & fear, then later the guilt at not feeling guilty and feeling good when you have no contact, then later finally the total lack of any guilt just the acceptance of sadness that she is how she is which means you cannot have a normal relationship with her. I reckon it's kind of a 7 stages of grief thing to accept that the dream of a good mother is dead.

Thank you Towel.