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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to step in and try to stop this?

68 replies

Mabel24 · 27/08/2019 17:18

My daughter is just going into her last year at school. One of her best friends is dating a boy who was in the year above so is no longer at school and is about to go to a local university.

To give you a bit of background, my daughter has always had concerns about the relationship. The boy seems intent on being very involved in the girl’s life, he goes through her phone, is on most of her group chats and in the past has made her cry through being controlling, eg ringing her at a party after seeing a post on social media and telling her off for having a drink because he had warned her not to. He is from a different culture and has made it clear that the relationship must be kept secret and she can never meet his family, something which a lot of the girls have issue with - however that is not my issue.

The issue is that my daughter has tried to be a good friend, supporting her if she gets upset, but this has resulted in the lad now having a massive issue with my daughter and taking every opportunity to have a go, have a dig, constantly ask her what her problem is. Last week he properly went in on her on snapchat, and as a result she blocked him on everything.

Since then he has been using the girlfriend’s phone to contact my daughter - sending a photo giving her the middle finger, snap chatting her photos. Basically she feels intimidated and very stressed by this.

My daughter is well aware that her friend is enabling this but they have been friends for years and this behaviour is out of character for her. A lot of the girls think the boyfriend is controlling and not a nice person, but he has singled my daughter out to have a go at.

I feel this could potentially be nipped in the bud by a quick phone call from my husband to the boy telling him to back off and stop harassing and intimidating our daughter.

But am I just being an overprotective Mum, and should we just butt out? She’s always managed to deal with difficult situations in the past and resolve things amicably, but this lad seems a bit obsessed and intent on keeping up the harassment.

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 27/08/2019 17:23

Usually I'd say let them deal with it themselves but in this case I'd say let your husband go for it or go for it yourself and tell him in not uncertain terms that if he contacts your daughter again you'll be going straight to his parents and telling them all about his behaviour.

ForTheTimeBeing · 27/08/2019 17:26

I think his behaviour towards your daughter is serious enough to ask the the police to warn him off.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/08/2019 17:28

It ends or you call the police who will tell his parents especially if he still lives at home

YouTheCat · 27/08/2019 17:28

If he is so against his parents knowing then a mention to them might well sort it all out.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 27/08/2019 17:28

I feel this could potentially be nipped in the bud by a quick phone call from my husband to the boy telling him to back off and stop harassing and intimidating our daughter.

It could, or it could massively backfire with the boy and his parents going to the police accusing your husband of threatening behaviour etc.

Only way to deal with it really is - assuming you are chums with the girls mother - to tell the mum, that the daughters phone is being used - send her a few screen shots and get her to put a stop to it.

But two lots of testosterone? Bad idea.

Di1979 · 27/08/2019 17:29

Yep, I'd recommend your husband call him, stating that he either ceases contact with your daughter, or either both his parents and the police will be informed.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/08/2019 17:29

I'd let your husband call him. But tell him not to be aggressive. Just a "you need to back off before I get the police involved" type of warning.

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 17:30

I would have talked to her Parents.

Then gone to the Police.

This girl needs protection.

PooWillyBumBum · 27/08/2019 17:31

Are her parents aware of the relationship?

To be honest I’d be tempted to go over - as a couple - to the boyfriends parents house and say “your son is using his girlfriend to bully my daughter”, thus outing the little shit.

Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2019 17:32

Report it to the police as harassment.

StoneofDestiny · 27/08/2019 17:32

She should send a text saying that the texts and all other communication are not welcome, that past text are being held as evidence, and that if they continue she will be reporting him for harassment to the police where he will very likely get a criminal record.
If she gets another text she can follow it through (before that, if your DH thinks it useful, he could see his parents and forewarn them your daughter will be taking action if his offensive communication/harassment continues)

Deelish75 · 27/08/2019 17:34

I'd have a chat with the police. It sounds like harassment - make sure you tell the police that your DD feels intimidated by him. Let them deal with him rather than your husband, things could turn quite nasty.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/08/2019 17:36

It could be sorted by a quick call from your DH pointing out to him that any further contact will be reported to the police. Calm and cool, no threats or anger, just definite "this is what will happen should you choose to repeat your behaviours" and follow through with the promise once he (inevitably) does retaliate.

Your DD has been a good friend but I think you perhaps ought to speak to her about being allowed to build her own appropriate boundaries (and I really don't mean that in a victim-blaming way at all, she needs to know she's allowed to be strong and that you'll always back her); she was great in blocking him but now that her 'friend' is allowing him to abuse your DD via her phone, your DD needs to stand her ground and tell her friend contact will cease until she stands up to him. It's awful, but your DD needs to know she doesn't have to tolerate this in the name of friendship because at the moment there's very little friendship left.

Original poster
Mabel24 · 27/08/2019 17:37

IAskTooManyQuestions, that’s a really good point, I’d not thought of that.

Would the police really get involved in what feels like a bit of a playground spat gone too far?

I could kick myself for not involving the school last year when he was still there but I mistakenly thought that it would stop once he left.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 27/08/2019 17:38

I’d drop him in it with his parents.....

Luckingfovely · 27/08/2019 17:38

Step 1 is the parents - tell them what is going on, in a non-confrontational way, and warn them that if it doesn't stop, you will involve the police.

Step 2 if it doesn't stop - the police.

Collect all the evidence possible before either step.

Chitarra · 27/08/2019 17:39

Someone (either you, DH or your daughter) needs to tell him you'll be going to his parents if this ever happens again.

bambalaya · 27/08/2019 17:39

I'd threaten to tell his parents exactly what he's been up to.

Original poster
Mabel24 · 27/08/2019 17:43

FudgeBrownie, I’ve been thinking that too about the boundaries. My daughter’s thoughts on the matter were always that she would say her piece and then be there when this relationship inevitably ended and to be a shoulder to cry on.

Unfortunately whilst the 2 girls have agreed to disagree and most of the time just jog along quite nicely, whenever she is with him he can’t seem to let it lie.

OP posts:
RolyWatts · 27/08/2019 17:44

No it's not a school spat. He is an adult man who is no longer at school. He is controlling and abusing one young woman and now is seeing how far he can get in abusing another.

Speak to your daughters friends parents with your concerns about her.

Speak to the police with your concerns about a man harassing your daughter.

Tell your daughter to stay away from both. She needs some boundaries and putting yourself in an unsafe situation to support someone else is not sensible.

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 17:45

I do think it would be OK for your husband to speak to the boy in question, who is clearly a bullying coward. Your husband should stay calm and be non-threatening, but he should make it very clear that this needs to stop NOW or the police will be involved. What this boy is doing does sound like it's edging into stalking/harassment territory.

Given that the boy is essentially harassing your daughter via her friend, I also think a chat with the girl's parents might not go amiss as well. She is still at school and I think they should know about a) the controlling nature of their daughter's relationship and b) the fact that their daughter is currently aiding the harassment of another girl by deliberately showing her abusive messages aimed at her.

5foot5 · 27/08/2019 17:46

I wouldn't threaten to tell his parents. I would tell his parents. Potentially this might solve all the issues as, if his parents disapprove of the relationship, they might pressure him to cease and desist.

But keep evidence in case this does escalate and requires police intervention

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 17:46

Oh, sorry, I just realised that he is actually using the girlfriend's phone to send messages - I misunderstood. But to be honest, that's even more reason to talk to her parents. They should know that the phone they have presumably provided to her is being used by her abusive boyfriend.

userabcname · 27/08/2019 17:48

Definitely tell the school - this is a huge safe guarding issue and they would want to know, regardless of whether he is still attending. They have a duty of care to both the friend and your daughter and need to be made aware of this issue.

SandAndSea · 27/08/2019 17:50

I think your dh calling him is a good first move. I would consider calling his parents after that if you still need to.