To want to step in and try to stop this?

[Mabel24]

My daughter is just going into her last year at school. One of her best friends is dating a boy who was in the year above so is no longer at school and is about to go to a local university.

To give you a bit of background, my daughter has always had concerns about the relationship. The boy seems intent on being very involved in the girl’s life, he goes through her phone, is on most of her group chats and in the past has made her cry through being controlling, eg ringing her at a party after seeing a post on social media and telling her off for having a drink because he had warned her not to. He is from a different culture and has made it clear that the relationship must be kept secret and she can never meet his family, something which a lot of the girls have issue with - however that is not my issue.

The issue is that my daughter has tried to be a good friend, supporting her if she gets upset, but this has resulted in the lad now having a massive issue with my daughter and taking every opportunity to have a go, have a dig, constantly ask her what her problem is. Last week he properly went in on her on snapchat, and as a result she blocked him on everything.

Since then he has been using the girlfriend’s phone to contact my daughter - sending a photo giving her the middle finger, snap chatting her photos. Basically she feels intimidated and very stressed by this.

My daughter is well aware that her friend is enabling this but they have been friends for years and this behaviour is out of character for her. A lot of the girls think the boyfriend is controlling and not a nice person, but he has singled my daughter out to have a go at.

I feel this could potentially be nipped in the bud by a quick phone call from my husband to the boy telling him to back off and stop harassing and intimidating our daughter.

But am I just being an overprotective Mum, and should we just butt out? She’s always managed to deal with difficult situations in the past and resolve things amicably, but this lad seems a bit obsessed and intent on keeping up the harassment.

I’d go straight to the boy’s parents who, since the relationship is culturally undesirable to them, will put a stop to it, neatly getting your daughter and her friend away from him. Be sure to emphasize to them that he is harassing your DD and that you are sure as responsible parents they will ensure he stops.

I would go to the police rather than your husband. I can see that would backfire 'he threatened me'. Last year of school I assume year 13 so is 17/18 and not a child?

I hope your daughter can rise above this, and hopefully learn something useful from this difficult situation.
Enforced change is usually difficult, but it might be for the best that she and her friend have some time apart, and your daughter spend time with other people. It may not seem like it, but there's always someone open to having a new friend.
The girlfriend is complicit in all this, she may be being coerced but she's not blameless. Hopefully she'll learn something from this. Her boyfriend can't keep complaining about your daughter once they're not spending time together, so the girlfriend may realise what she has got herself into when he starts complaining about her other friends.

Out him to his parents. Let them handle it.

Tell his parents, tell her parents, tell the school and tel the police.

This isn’t kids stuff. This is harassment and borderline stalking of your DD and her friend by a man (and he is legally an adult, if he’s 18 and at university).

He sounds controlling and abusive. And dangerous.

Call the police and tell her mum. You are supporting your daughter, if it doesn't die down tell school

Call the police, this man is an abuser. He is dangerous. Not a good idea for your husband to speak to him. Put it all in the hands of the police they will safeguard the girl and take appropriate action. Don't stay out of it this is not a kids fall out.

He sounds like a bully, either call his parents (probably the last thing he wants!) or let your husband deal with it, at least threaten to tell his parents about the relationship as I doubt he wants them to know.

Report him to the police for harassment. It will be useful for her friend when she eventually leaves him for being abusive if he already has a criminal record.

Just read the updates, keep a diary and screenshots if you can and then go to the police. So sorry this is happening to your daughter. I know that she was trying help and her heart was in the right place but he’s now got what he wanted and is isolating the friend.

this girl is bitching about her

Oh she is, is she?? This ‘friend’ who is allowing her boyfriend to harass your dd via her phone? And she has the temerity to complain? What a bitch!

I’d out the scrote to his parents.

Without any real evidence her parents will probably just think it’s a fall out over a boy and believe whatever their daughter says, ie she’s fine and happy.

Maybe. But if someone came to me with genuine concern about my child I'd hear them out. All you have to do is send a message or phone if you feel up to it saying - are you aware that your daughter is in a relationship with X? Are you aware that he has forbidden your daughter from discussing it because his parents would not approve? Are you aware that he consistently uses coercive control to abuse your child (give specifics her if you have them)?. And explain that if it were your child you would want to know so you are extending that courtesy to them. Then back away.

I would rather my child lost a friend, than the friend lost her life to an abusive man.

And I still think you should have gone to the police with the harassment of your daughter. It's not too late. Men like this get away with so much because people do nothing.

And for those saying tell HIS parents? He is a vile, aggressive, lying, bully. It's not often that people turn out this way without some help from their parents? If his family is dysfunctional do you suppose its going to be of any help to "tell on him".

From the OP : He is from a different culture and has made it clear that the relationship must be kept secret and she can never meet his family

I think this is why people are suggesting telling his parents. Sounds like they will whole-heartedly disapprove and he will be in trouble & be made to end the relationship. They may be as dysfunctional as hell and have weird, screwed up ideas about how to treat women (as you say, he will have learnt this from somewhere) but at least the dd’s friend will be released from his clutches.

If he respected his parents he wouldn't be behaving as he is. He clearly is used to getting away with being a prick. I would not rely on his parents to support you.

q

I'd tell school of the situation. Then it's someone else's responsibility to safeguard the friend.
Support dd in dealing with the current fallout.

Some really great advice here - thank you all.

DD is going to speak to the counsellor at school today explaining her concerns. Hopefully she will provide her with a bit of support over the loss of her friend (who is still maintaining that all her boyfriend has ever wanted to do was protect her from my DD who he thinks is really not a good friend - how fucked up is that?) but also some guidance about what should / could happen next. If she feels that anyone’s welfare is at risk she will not hesitate to take matters into her own hands.

Bear in mind there is very little evidence here, though having seen the anxious state my daughter has been in at times, I have no doubt at all that her version is the truth.

I agree that if someone was worried about my daughter I’d want to know, but with no evidence except the word of my DD and a screens-shotted argument they may well just think I’m interfering because the girls have fallen out?