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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to step in and try to stop this?

68 replies

Mabel24 · 27/08/2019 17:18

My daughter is just going into her last year at school. One of her best friends is dating a boy who was in the year above so is no longer at school and is about to go to a local university.

To give you a bit of background, my daughter has always had concerns about the relationship. The boy seems intent on being very involved in the girl’s life, he goes through her phone, is on most of her group chats and in the past has made her cry through being controlling, eg ringing her at a party after seeing a post on social media and telling her off for having a drink because he had warned her not to. He is from a different culture and has made it clear that the relationship must be kept secret and she can never meet his family, something which a lot of the girls have issue with - however that is not my issue.

The issue is that my daughter has tried to be a good friend, supporting her if she gets upset, but this has resulted in the lad now having a massive issue with my daughter and taking every opportunity to have a go, have a dig, constantly ask her what her problem is. Last week he properly went in on her on snapchat, and as a result she blocked him on everything.

Since then he has been using the girlfriend’s phone to contact my daughter - sending a photo giving her the middle finger, snap chatting her photos. Basically she feels intimidated and very stressed by this.

My daughter is well aware that her friend is enabling this but they have been friends for years and this behaviour is out of character for her. A lot of the girls think the boyfriend is controlling and not a nice person, but he has singled my daughter out to have a go at.

I feel this could potentially be nipped in the bud by a quick phone call from my husband to the boy telling him to back off and stop harassing and intimidating our daughter.

But am I just being an overprotective Mum, and should we just butt out? She’s always managed to deal with difficult situations in the past and resolve things amicably, but this lad seems a bit obsessed and intent on keeping up the harassment.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 27/08/2019 17:50

Given he's 18 and at university I'd go straight to police.

Bibijayne · 27/08/2019 17:52

Another vote for talking to his parents. And let them know if his behaviour does not stop you will be reporting it to the police.

Log all the harrasment, because this could escalate.

YorkshireLass81 · 27/08/2019 18:05

www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/latest-news/the-missed-chances-to-stop-wakefield-asylum-seeker-who-murdered-twice-1-5764624

Please do act on your concerns. Your op reminded me of a local case which I am familiar with. This guy's controlling and coercive behaviour became violent overtime and he ultimately killed his girlfriend's sister and best friend as "revenge" for them raising concerns. Reviews showed safeguarding opportunities were missed throughout. We all have a responsibility to safeguard children so please do address it and if you still have concerns, keep addressing it x

MollyButton · 27/08/2019 18:07

You DD's friend is suffering domestic abuse - read your OP and think if it was about a 25 year old. He is trying to isolate the girl from her friends and control her.
He is then lashing out at your DD - partly to try to separate her from her friend.

Yes this should be reported to the police. If you don't want to do that initially, then your husband could send a calm firm message.
But if your DD has told him she doesn't want to be contacted by him any more - then he is harassing her, and it is a mater for the police.

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 18:14

Yes tell your partner to ring him up and put him in his place.

maddening · 27/08/2019 18:21

Call his parents

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 18:22

The coercive control abuse of the friend is a crime. As pp said the extension of that into harassing your daughter is too.

I would act with the potential for escalation in mind. My thought reading your op was police, not fatherly chats.

Original poster

Mabel24 · 27/08/2019 18:24

I’ve just spoken to her and she has no evidence of the photos, only the online conversation, which in isolation isn’t that bad.

I’m really conflicted. I feel a phone call to her parents asking them to have a word with her and tell her not to allow him to use her phone to intimidate my daughter could work, but it feels like we are blaming the daughter (who isn’t innocent in this I acknowledge).

A phone call to him feels most tempting. Or even a text saying if he makes any attempt to contact our daughter again will result in a report to the police??

I certainly need to calm down first.

Thank you all for taking the time, I’m pleased that so many of you agree that this potentially needs parental involvement.

OP posts:

RolyWatts · 27/08/2019 18:26

Jesus wept. This is a MAN. To all pps telling the op to call his parents. Seriously?? He is a grown man.

Do not encourage your husband to do or say anything that has the remotest possibility of painting this guy as the victim. Just go to the police. If a man was sending abusive texts to my daughter that's what I would encourage her to do.

Passthecherrycoke · 27/08/2019 18:27

My husband would def do it. The police aren’t going to be interested in a few conversations turned nasty or your husband telling him to back off (in fact the first thing they’ll ask is whether anyone has done this)

GreenTulips · 27/08/2019 18:33

Lad here did similar

I called the police and hey had a word. Parents were oblivious but dealt with it.

Roll on 12 months he was at it again with another girl. She knew about the police involvement. She went straight to the parents and reported him. He was an adult at this stage and his parents cut all SM. Etc

Do something. Anything.

Message the boy. Tell the girls parents.

But speak up

ShellbyBell · 27/08/2019 18:37

Reading this has left me with such a nasty taste in my mouth. He is an abusive man and will only get worse as he’s being enabled by his girlfriend.
I would go straight to the police tbh to have it logged. He is pumped up and empowered from getting away with it for so long. Don’t get your husband involved as he will suddenly become the victim.
Harassment is an offence.

EileenAlanna · 27/08/2019 18:56

Yes, I think your DH having a word with him is a good idea. If he's particularly big & burly then I'd advise he does it in person rather than over the phone. He & your DD could both speak to her friend & tell her the harassment stops, and that this his how men treat the women in their lives, protectively & caringly not abusively, and whatever crap she's prepared to put up with in her own life won't be tolerated spilling over into your DD's.
If the bf is from a culture that has specific beliefs regarding family honour then he & his parents will get the message very clearly that your DD at least has a father who won't tolerate her being dishonoured in this way, so involve his family if you think it best.
Your DD's friend has no future with this guy if he won't introduce her to his family but her choices no matter how bad are her own.
And yes, report it to the police. I don't imagine they'll dismiss your concerns given the number of high profile cases with tragic outcomes we've seen over the years.

MNersAreBatshit · 27/08/2019 19:36

I think you should encourage your DD to have a long hard think about this "friendship". If any of my friends enabled their boyfriend to harass me I'd drop them like a hot potato.

If she drops the "friend" the harassment will almost certainly stop.

The "friend" will no doubt live to regret her poor choices but she's old enough to be held responsible for her poor decisions. You reap what you sow.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2019 20:08

He is an abusive man and will only get worse as he’s being enabled by his girlfriend

He may well be threatening her

lavenderandthyme · 27/08/2019 20:14

I think you said his parents don’t know about the relationship?
He’s a nasty piece of work because probably that’s the way his Dad behaves. He’s learnt that behaviour somewhere
I would go round and speak to his parents and ask them to put a stop to it. Make it clear if this doesn’t happen you will go to the Police.
This man will most probably go in to be an abuser and violent. He needs to be stopped or at least warned off involving your daughter.
.

Loubuz · 27/08/2019 20:43

I'd send husband round to their house not a phone call. That'll put the shits up him and drop him in it with his parents, they'll probably see to the end of his relationship with dds friend too. Little shit! It's bullying

Original poster

Mabel24 · 27/08/2019 21:44

Update

Hubby texted the lad and the “friend” from DD’s mobile introducing himself and saying you’ve been told to stop, you’ve been blocked and yet you persist in trying to harass. If this continues we will take further action.

No doubt there will be huge drama at school tomorrow, but I feel this was the best first step. DD can handle a fall out with a friend, but needed our help to try and deal with this bully.

The easiest next step, if the abuse continues through her allowing him access to her phone, is the school. But that’s complicated as her mum works at the school.

Watch this space, am keeping everything crossed...

OP posts:

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/08/2019 21:48

this could potentially be nipped in the bud by a quick phone call from my husband to the boy

Fuck that. I’d be going to his parents with screenshots of everything.

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2019 21:52

Any further shite from this bloke (people calling him a boy, he’s over 18, telling his parents is fine if he were 8!) and phone 101 for some advice and report it properly. I certainly wouldn’t just hope it stops. I’m glad your dd is honest and open with you.

RuffleCrow · 27/08/2019 21:56

It's harassment. Call the police.

As you know these things often escalate into physical violence so your calling the police now may a) nip things in the bud or b) provide vital evidence in building a case for a restraining order or anything else this girl may need in the future.

Don't overthink it. Just call them.

IchiNiSan · 27/08/2019 22:05

If the boyfriend is at uni, then it'd be best to inform them. This could be part of a pattern of behaviour that will surface at university too.
Are you going to tell the girlfriend's parents? If it was your daughter, would you want to know?

GreenTulips · 27/08/2019 22:07

But that’s complicated as her mum works at the school

Makes absolutely no difference what so ever

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/08/2019 22:29

Tell your DD to screenshot any further messages.

Either way I’d be going to the police. He’s a domestic abuser and he’s harassing your DD. Even if they don’t do anything this time it’ll be on record if he ever comes to the attention of the police again, which he surely will.

He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work and if it were me I’d be exploring every avenue belt and braces to get him dealt with. He’ll really hurt someone one day, and if it’s not this girl, who is the most likely candidate at this point, it’ll be another poor woman.

Please don’t blame the friend for her shitty choice of bf. Your DD needs to be protected and protect herself but this girl is only 17, 18? Who truly has the capacity to understand relationship dynamics at that age, and more to the point, who had the guts to stand up for themself in the face of threats, coercive control and intimidation. I sure didn’t, and I’ve paid for it ever since, and what’s more, the people who are supposed to help and support me just said, ’well you made your bed.’.’

Original poster

Mabel24 · 28/08/2019 14:59

She’s 16, he is 18.

DD has texted to say she’s very much getting the cold shoulder today and this girl is bitching about her. I totally get what people are saying about trying to help get but how can I do that without looking like I’m getting overly involved.

My aim here was to stop the harassment of my daughter. We have taken an initial step and it remains to be seen if that works. But if the girl is now turning her back on DD and probably truth be told planning to start her own campaign against her, she’s very unlikely to be receptive to any criticism of her relationship?

Without any real evidence her parents will probably just think it’s a fall out over a boy and believe whatever their daughter says, ie she’s fine and happy.

OP posts:

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