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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I ask ds1's friend's mum to keep balloons out of reach at her ds's birthday party?

105 replies

Olihan · 06/08/2007 21:26

Ds1 (3.7) has developed a massive balloon phobia. It started at a birthday party last year when lots were popping and has got progressively worse. He's now at the point where he won't go into a place that has balloons, if we pass something with balloons on he will try and drag me the other way and he becomes absolutely hysterical if one pops. We ended up leaving 3 parties early at the beginning of the year (all his friends have b'days around Dec/Jan) because of balloons popping. It seems to be the randomness and suddeness of them popping that scares him - we've tried all sorts of things to make him less scared but he's genuinely terrified.

We've now moved and he's been invited to a party by a new friend whose mum I know a bit, she's lovely and we get on well.

Would it be really out of order to expalin the situation and ask if a) the balloons could be blown up so they're not likely to burst and b) if they could be put up where the other kids can't get hold of them?

I feel really stupid for even asking this on here but I know if one pops then I'll have to take ds1 home again and he'll miss out on having fun with his new friends.

What do you think? Has anyone got any other suggestions for dealing with it? If I rang you and made those 2 requests would you think I was barking?

OP posts:
kslatts · 07/08/2007 09:32

I think YABU, I would always let the children play with balloons at my dd's party as it keeps them amused for quite a while and most of the children really love it, you could mention to your friend that your ds is really scared of them and you may have to leave early, but if you ask her to keep them out of reach I think it puts her in a difficult position as her child may really want balloons to play with but your friend may feel she doesn't want to upset you.

gess · 07/08/2007 09:40

ds2's last party had a magician who did a big line in balloon modelling (he's a bit older though). I wouldn't mind not having balloons (as mentioned below I see them as a bit of a choke hazard round babies/toddlers) but ds2 would be genuinely upset if they were missing. At every birthday at home he insists on cake, balloons and a picnic party tea. He just loves that. I'm aware he doesn't get out enough (although I also think that ds2 is constantly asked to not do things/bail out of things/ not get what he wants because of ds1) but I don't know- that's the reason I tend not to ask people to accomodate ds1's anxiety stuff- I never know what else is going on in someone's life so you never really know how much of an imposition something is. I probably would try and move the balloons if you asked, but I would get a lot of grief from ds2 and I'd end up feeling a bit torn. Quite possibly it's not an isue at all for this woman- but I really woudl work on the balloon thing tbh- silly little things like that can becomes restricting (we have lots of them- so again sympathies- but I do tend to think they need to be tackled).

SixtyNiner · 07/08/2007 09:48

My 6 year old niece won't have balloons at her party because her best friend has a fear of them. He got frightened by a balloon popping right beside him when he was about 3. As others have suggested, rather than suggesting to mother what she should do, just make her aware of the situation. At DDs birthday we were able to play outside and the thing that the kids really enjoyed was a bubble machine - very good value in ELC- so maybe giving a present like this that distracts away from ballons if they have them would help.

RubyRioja · 07/08/2007 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handlemecarefully · 07/08/2007 17:04

If I was the mum of the other child, and you explained the situation to me as you have explained it in your OP, I would put the balloons out of reach as requested. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I would want to help.

I can't see how other children are disadvantaged (as suggested by some posters) by this. Olihan isn't intended to ask for a balloon embargo!

handlemecarefully · 07/08/2007 17:04

'intending'

lucyellensmum · 07/08/2007 17:46

olihan - yanbu

I don't like balloons. I think it is perfectly reasonable that young children do not like balloons popping, im sure your little lad wouldnt be the only one to be scared. It seems perfectly reasonable to expect that the balloons, if any, are up on the ceiling/wall.

I would ring the mum and explain and i bet she can put your mind at rest anyway If she took the yabu attitude of some of the people on here, then i wouldnt bother with the party, it would probably be shite and disorganised anyway if all she could think of to occupy the little ones was balloon popping, which has to be dangerous doesnt it, saying a child picks up a popped bit in all the madness and swallows it?

YANBU

meandmyflyingmachine · 07/08/2007 17:49

I would phone up and ask about the balloon situation, explaining why, but without the requests. If she is reasonable, she will surely then ask you what she can do to help - no balloons or put them out of reah. Then you can come in with your requests. If she is unreasonable, then you can bow out without seeming pushy.

I'm sure SWNBU!

lucyellensmum · 07/08/2007 17:50

on the up side olihan (and i do say this in kind humour) at least you save a fortune at carnivals and festivals etc. I had to pay £5 for a balloon at the carnival this weekend, i dont think DD paid it a second glance.

gess · 07/08/2007 17:54

Well it depends on individual circumstances doesnt it. It is a very small request- but for ds2 it would be a big disappointment. His parties come with balloons- it's a big thing for him. Of course I would explain to him about children being scared but this is a child who constantly has to be told he can't do or have something because of his sibling. Today he's been told not to play a DVD he wanted ot because ds1 won't allow it on. He can never go to the fun park because its too busy for ds1 we have to go to empty ones (with crap equipment), He can never go to restaurants or pubs or pizza hut (as he sobbed to me the other day) because ds1 can't. He has never ever been and sat on a beach with a bucket and spade because ds1 won't. So it would just be one more example of him having to put another child first - and I would feel sorry for him.

Incidentaly as I said I do have loads of these things that ds1 won't/can't tolerate- lots of refusing and screaming and anxiety- so I do know what a PITA it is to work around, but I do think that some small requests may actually be quite big ones, so I don't ask.

meandmyflyingmachine · 07/08/2007 17:57

It is down to individual circumstances then, because while I can completely see where gess is coming from, if I found out that you hadn't brought your ds to my dd's party because you hadn't liked to ask, I would be mortified.

Clearly you are between a rock and a hard place...

gess · 07/08/2007 18:17

that's where I mean you never know. Take one of ds1's no-no's at the moment- Cars the movie- no idea why he used to love them. Now I would never phone someone up and ask them not to have a Cars themed party (I assume most wouldn't) yet if someone rang me (before we'd bought anything) and asked to avoid a specific theme it would be no problem at all- happy to oblige. But balloons- my heart would sink as I know what ds1 is like about it.

As for dealing with it- I tend to go to places and say to people "I might have to baill out because......" (eg imagine we're going to a cars themed party-- who knows it might work- I'd give it a go- but I would be ready to leave and would warn in advance). I would never request a change though and if they offered (sometimes people do) I always say only if its no problem to them or their child- because a) it might be fine and b) something else random might set him off anyway.

IN this case I would mention to the hostess I might have to bail out because of balloons- that gives the host a chance to remove ballons- if they then offered I would insist that theyn only removed them if it was no problem at all- I tend to work hard to reassure people that I don't expect them to work around ds1.

gess · 07/08/2007 18:18

sorry I know what ds2 is like about ballons- ds1 couldnt give a stuff! (and it's ds2 who misses out all the time, so the one I'd be more concerned about in this sort of situation).

Original poster
Olihan · 07/08/2007 19:58

Gess, I completely understand where you are coming from and in your circumstances I wouldn't even consider saying anything (we fostered a severely autistic boy for 5 years before we moved so I have a fair idea of what ds2 copes with).

I'm going to phone the mum in a bit and accept the invite with the proviso that we may have to go home if any balloons pop!

Thank you for all your replies, hopefully she's as nice as I think she is and will be as understanding as so many of you have been .

OP posts:
gess · 07/08/2007 20:22

Hope it goes well! Sometimes I think something just isn't going to work so we go along expecting to stay 2 minutes and ds1 surprises us all But you probably know that feeling!

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 08/08/2007 09:33

Good luck. I once took dd to a party where she spent the entire party sobbing in my arms in the village hall foyer because of all the balloons. Refused to go in but wouldn't go home either. They do grow out of it and she is getting better.

Leati · 08/08/2007 09:37

Olihan,

I don't think it hurts to ask so long as you are not upset if it turns out that her child loves balloons. In the mean time maybe you can buy some balloons and show your DS some fun ways to use balloons. You know a lightly filled balloon that you try to keep up in the air.

Good Luck!

Original poster
Olihan · 08/08/2007 10:27

She was away! Her dh answered so I just said we'd be there and I'll tackle the balloon issue next week when she returns.

Gess, I'm hoping if I get very stressed and expect him to go loopy then we might be okay .

OP posts:
LowFatPumpkinJuice · 08/08/2007 17:03

Oli - have you tried those huge punch ball balloons, only half inflatated so v.v. unlikely to pop - buy way of getting him more atuned to them?

BTW I bough 5 2ft+ inflatable footballs on e-bay today for DD's party!

hayley2u · 08/08/2007 17:12

i think you would be sounding a bit mean as it is actually her son/daughters party not yours. and most children love them at parties.maybe you could just guide yourn l one away from them.

seeker · 08/08/2007 17:20

My dd was petrified of clowns and I always had to ring in advance of any party to make sure there wasn't going to be a clown. Very tedious it was too, but she went completely hysterical if she saw one so I had to do it. All her closest friends knew about her fears and didn't have clowns. Nobody minded and she grew out of it - eventually!

Incidentally, Olihan - why couldn't you talk about it to your friend's dh? My dp gets really cross when other mothers assume that I'm the only one who knows anything about the children's arrangements!

jangly · 08/08/2007 17:21

I can't see why the mum would have a problem with keeping the balloons high up until the end of the party, when the children could have them to take home. There are plenty of other things they can play at the party. Certainly explain the situation.

Original poster
Olihan · 08/08/2007 18:25

LFPJ, those balloons were part of the beginning of this. They had them at the Playgroup Xmas Party last year and they pop if they are sat on .

Seeker, I didn't want to get into the whole phobia thing with her dh because I've only met him once so felt a bit funny about it. Daft, really, I suppose.

hayley2u, we've resolved how to address the issue with the other mum but as I said earlier down the thread, if there were balloons everywhere we would have to leave as ds1 would be hysterical.

Party's not until beginning of Sept so we're going to do a bit of work on desensitising him a bit.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 09/08/2007 13:03

gess - you said your ds would be upset if he couldn't have balloons at his party. but what if he could still have the balloons but on the wall instead and not down to play and you got some big inflatable balls to play with instead. would he still be upset?

just wondering cos i was thinking if this birthday girl/boy is like your ds maybe it would be unreasonable to ask even if there are alternatcives.

maisemor · 09/08/2007 13:16

Sorry there are just too many replies to read through here, so apologies if someone has already said the same.

You can ask but do not put her on the spot and do not get offended if she says no to your request.

I do think you would be asking a lot of her though. If I had to take every single phobia, dislike etc. into account when I was planning my child's party I would probably not be giving them any parties.

I do feel very sorry for your son though. I am scared of balloons myself and hate the things especially when they pop.

I do think it is something that you, your husband need to address (maybe with a professional) with your son and help him overcome this.