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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to cut off friends children?

67 replies

Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 10:40

I would be very close to a friends children (5 and 3), she recently decided to end our friendship (she can’t cope with the fact I got engaged) and has mostly blanked me. The only time I’ve heard from her was when she sent me a little list for her 5 year olds birthday but did not invite me to the celebration. Sent me a video of him playing with the toys but no thank you. Her youngests birthday is approaching shortly and to be honest I feel disrespected. I am always very generous with them on birthdays and Christmas, but given the circumstances would I BU to just stop buying gifts?

OP posts:
AmIThough · 27/08/2019 10:42

How long ago was the other child's birthday?
If it was quite recently I'd send the younger one a gift then stop so it's fair.

Could the video be her way of saying thank you?
I'd guess she knew she's been an idiot but is too proud to acknowledge it to you.

wineandroses1 · 27/08/2019 10:43

Of course you should stop buying gifts! And how cheeky is she? She doesn't want to see you but wants you to send gifts for her children? Cheeky cow.

Confusedbeetle · 27/08/2019 10:44

If the friendship is over you dont keep contact with the children

Lindy2 · 27/08/2019 10:44

If she's ended your friendship I don't see why would you still buy presents for her children.
If you want to try and save the friendship then maybe a small token gift makes sense to maintain contact. If you are no longer really in contact with each other then don't buy gifts and move on from this friendship.

Original poster
Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 10:45

Yes birthday was in the last couple of weeks. I am just so disgusted she didn’t bother thanking me that I’m reluctant to keep trying with her children

OP posts:
GiveMeHope103 · 27/08/2019 10:46

Wow, she cut you off but sent you a list Shock. Even more shocking, you did as she ordered you to. yanbu, and please dont allow people to treat you as a doormat.

Chitarra · 27/08/2019 10:47

Of course stop buying gifts if she's cut you off! Has she definitely cut you off or could the friendship be salvaged? How long has it been since she's been in contact (not counting the two messages about the birthday that you mention in the OP)?

MyNewBearTotoro · 27/08/2019 10:47

If she’s gone non contact with you presumably you are non contact with the children too, so it seems pointless to send gifts or try to maintain a relationship with them. At 3 and 5 it’s not like they’ll remember you in years to come when they’re old enough to make their own contact decisions. I also think it’ll be less confusing for the children to break all ties and to not be sending gifts as they may wonder why you’re sending gifts but never see them, that’s assuming that their mother even tells the kids the gifts are from you. I definitely wouldn’t be sending gifts in these circumstances, I think your ex friend is just trying to be grabby.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/08/2019 10:47

The thing is, even if she thanked you, what is she saying? That she never wants to see you again, and therefore you will never see the children again. BUT she wants presents for the kids. The kids who will never see you?

I am torn as to whether you could send a present for the other child before you go completely no contact. Seems a shame to upset a child if their sibling received a present recently from you. But then STOP!

Eustasiavye · 27/08/2019 10:47

No, don't buy them anything.

BarbariansMum · 27/08/2019 10:50

The only relationship you have with them is through her. If that's over, they both are. And no you dont have to send the little one a present to make it "fair"- 3 year old wont notice!

SlightlySleepy · 27/08/2019 10:50

Of course you don't buy them anything! And kids of that age don't keep tabs on who has bought gifts for who, they only care about what they have, which is their parents responsibility to sort out.

Batqueen · 27/08/2019 10:51

She can’t be happy for you finding the love of your life and thinks that ending a friendship is a reasonable reaction? How horrid. She doesn’t get to have it both ways, either you are in contact or not. Although tbh if someone couldn’t be happy for me - or at least manage not to cut me off, I’m not sure I’d let them back into my life if they did manage to forgive me for living my life!

SunniDay · 27/08/2019 10:52

If the children were teenagers then you might have a relationship between you in it's own right but as they are little kids they come as a package with their mum and if you two have severed contact then leave them alone also.

Most kids these days get tons of stuff for their birthdays - especially as you mention a celebration - so unless you feel they don't get much and are worried about this then I wouldn't even bother buying a present to even it up. Just leave it.

If you want to maintain the friendship/contact then stick a fiver in a card. If you are happy for the friendship to die then just leave it and do nothing.

Original poster
Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 10:53

Don’t think friendship can be salvaged but don’t think I want to salvage it. I didn’t realize how toxic she was. She has kept me in my place for years, discouraged relationships, made me feel inferior, said some awful hurtful things in order to stop me from moving on, for most of our friendship. She even got upset with me for not wanting an IUD in because she said I always said I didn’t want kids. So, now that I’m away from it, I don’t want to go back but I have been so close to her kids and she’s already lost her other best friend and the eldest child is very hurt about that as he doesn’t see her, and she tells him “Auntie F doesn’t love you, mummy invited her to your birthday but she didn’t come”. I don’t want them to think another person doesn’t love them

OP posts:
Kaddm · 27/08/2019 10:53

Cut contact with her and by extension her children as they are so small.

Kaddm · 27/08/2019 10:54

Her kids are so small that anything she tells them about you will be forgotten. Just cut contact now

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/08/2019 10:55

Is the friendship completely and permanently over? If so I would maybe get the younger one a present and leave it there, if you used to be close and their elder sibling got a present it may upset them.

Then if the mum doesnt want to repair the friendship dont buy anything else just ignore her messages

GruciusMalfoy · 27/08/2019 10:57

Your friendship is done, and because her children are so young then unfortunately so is that relationship. There's nothing you can do about that, and asking for gifts is purely mercenary on her part.

I feel sorry for her children, but it's not your fault that the relationship there is done.

lifeinthedeep · 27/08/2019 10:59

I feel for her children but you need to move on with your life. She sounds like she has a toxic personality disorder and will bring you down with her if she can.

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 11:01

It would be just plain weird to carry on sending gifts to her children if she's no longer your friend. The kids are so little that they won't even know who the gifts are from when they open them anyway - it's not like she's going to tell them. By the time their next birthdays come around they will barely remember who you are. She's just trying to screw presents out of you that she can tell the kids are from her and you need to move on.

Cornettoninja · 27/08/2019 11:05

I would take a video of the child playing with the toy as a thank you tbh. I don’t think you really need another thing to put in the pile against her.

Other than that, walk away. The kids won’t know about the ‘fairness’ of it all yet and you don’t even know she’s told them it’s from you. Unless it’s family there’s no value whatsoever in keeping sending the kids stuff.

It sounds like she’s pretty toxic and sadly her kids will have to learn how their life is. It’s not your responsibility to try and buffer them from the effects of their mother and I doubt you can anyway. Someone who didn’t want their child to be upset about not seeing someone would handle it appropriately; she’s encouraging it to be honest.

Original poster
Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 11:13

I appreciate the advice but I wouldn’t take the video as a thank you. She’s a 30 something year old woman who was capable of constructing a text message with a list of toys for her son, she can surely manage to send “thank you for ds gift, he was happy”.

OP posts:
ilikethisusernamethemost · 27/08/2019 11:13

Wow! After being NC she sent you a list and you just obeyed her and bought the gifts!

I feel sorry for her children. She sounds like a horribly controlling person. Be glad that you are able to step away from her and have nothing more to do with her.

You must be a kind person to care so much for her DC but she will always use this against you and use them to emotionally blackmail you.
Stop buying gifts and have no more contact with her.

timshelthechoice · 27/08/2019 11:15

Walk away! Cut her off, too. Just block and move on.

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