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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to cut off friends children?

67 replies

Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 10:40

I would be very close to a friends children (5 and 3), she recently decided to end our friendship (she can’t cope with the fact I got engaged) and has mostly blanked me. The only time I’ve heard from her was when she sent me a little list for her 5 year olds birthday but did not invite me to the celebration. Sent me a video of him playing with the toys but no thank you. Her youngests birthday is approaching shortly and to be honest I feel disrespected. I am always very generous with them on birthdays and Christmas, but given the circumstances would I BU to just stop buying gifts?

OP posts:

MzHz · 27/08/2019 11:16

you owe her nothing, you owe her kids nothing. if there is ever any fall out, its due to HER behaviour not yours.

She's shown you who she is, so just put her in the past and leave it there. No birthdays etc for the kids, they honestly won't know what you did or didn't do.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/08/2019 11:24

No need to keep buying gifts, any upset they feel is on their mother not you. There's every chance she wouldn't even tell her DC that you were the one who bought the present!

It's different with family members' children because you'll always be connected and it's likely you'll see them when they're older and be able to build a relationship with them in their own right, but a friend's kids? As others have said they'll barely remember you if you're unable to keep in regular contact.

100timewforgotten · 27/08/2019 11:29

She cut you off so you need to do the same with her children unfortunately. If the kids reach out when older then tell them to ask their mother. She only wants to know you when you spend money.

Travis1 · 27/08/2019 11:34

She cut you off, then sent you a birthday list and you bought him something from it?! Seriously?? She saw you coming.

No, do not buy a gift for the other child, block her number, email etc and move on.

katesalwayslate · 27/08/2019 11:35

Honestly, it would be weird if you did send presents. You won't have a relationship with her kids in future so it seems strange to continue to send gifts.

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 11:39

Agree with the other posters. Stop buying presents. Its pointless. She doesn't want to be your friend but hey buy presents for my kids?! Walk away. Congratulations on your engagement by the way.

SandAndSea · 27/08/2019 11:43

If you don't stop it now, what's the alternative? You could keep buying them presents for the next 15-20 years; birthdays and Christmas every year. That could be well over £2,000. That's assuming she doesn't have more children, or couple with someone who's already got children, in which case, will you buy for them too so as not to leave them out?

From what you've written, I think it's probably best to leave it now.

KurriKurri · 27/08/2019 11:46

She has decided she is no longer your friend.
Do you send gifts to the children of other people who are not your friend - acquaintances? Strangers?

The children are young and won;t be aware of who does or doesn;t send them gifts, so you aren't hurting them (in case you were feeling that you might be)

Her sending a gift list is beyond rude, - ignore it and don't bother telling her why you aren't buying gifts because she already knows.

CalmdownJanet · 27/08/2019 11:47

I would send a gift to the younger child this time just because of the close proximity of the birthdays but after that I wouldn't send a thing. Their next birthdays are far enough away that it won't be as big an issue and just ignore Christmas

Drum2018 · 27/08/2019 11:49

Block her on all social media, phone etc. Why on earth would you bow down to her demands for gifts for her child when you are no longer friends? Stop being a doormat. You simply cannot maintain a relationship with these children so don't even try, as she will use them to manipulate you at every turn. Chances are they will have forgotten who you are in a year or 2, especially the youngest. Block now before she sends a list for the next birthday. What she tells them is none of your concern as you won't see them again anyway.

Toneitdown · 27/08/2019 11:55

The more you post about your friend, the more of a dickhead she sounds.

Just drop all contact now. It's a shame for the kids but that's their mother's fault. She sounds vile.

HiJenny35 · 27/08/2019 11:56

As it was only a couple of weeks ago I think I'd get something for the other ones Birthday so that the child doesn't wonder why one got and one didn't. I'd then leave it and if we hadn't made up/she hasn't made the effort before Christmas then I would message at Christmas to say you wouldn't be getting them anything as you are no longer part of each others lives.

ddl1 · 27/08/2019 12:13

I would not punish the children just because you feel disrespected by the mother; it's not their fault. HOWEVER, sending them presents is a form of staying in contact; and keeps your relationship going at least to a limited extent (unless your ex-friend lies about who sent the presents!) Also, it puts your ex-friend in a position of being beholden to you, which may make her uncomfortable and possibly even more unpleasant as a result, unfair as it is. I would be inclined to give it a miss. Perhaps at a later stage, if you think that the relationship could be worth reexamining, you might send a card (not a present) for Christmas. Otherwise, don't bother.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 27/08/2019 12:16

Stop the gifts now - the three year old will be utterly oblivious but it sends the right message to the mum.

Cheeserton · 27/08/2019 12:17

Sent you a little list? Who the hell actually does this with so-called friends??

mbosnz · 27/08/2019 12:20

Clean break. If she doesn't want your friendship, how on Earth can she want you in her children's lives - even if only as a source of material benevolence.

Cut them off, and move on.

I'm sure she'll find some other victim.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/08/2019 12:28

The only time I’ve heard from her was when she sent me a little list for her 5 year olds birthday but did not invite me to the celebration
Well, she's certainly twisting the knife in isn't she?
She gives 'orders' you to send gifts - your money is good enough but not your presence in her or the dc lives.

I wouldn't be sending any further gifts for her dc.
You've been her doormat and mug long enough.

Cheeseandwin5 · 27/08/2019 12:28

I am slightly confused.
Does she buy your kids presents? Do you invite her kids to their celebrations?
Do your kids still play with each other?
I would never expect a present from someone I didn't invite to a party.
I wouldn't cut off all contact as such, as this may hurt the kids, but I don't see why you should be making any additional efforts.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/08/2019 12:29

Plus - i highly doubt she told her dc the gifts were from you.
She probably claimed them to be from herself.

AdelaideK · 27/08/2019 12:33

A 3 year old is not going to realise she hasn't bought them a present. Just block her and do not buy any more presents.

I'm amazed you actually bought her son one. The cheek of her, she saw you coming.

Piffle11 · 27/08/2019 12:37

Stop buying for them. Ignore any list she sends you - if she's no contact, then they should be no contact. We went NC with a relative a few years ago: MIL brought a gift to our house from them for DC2 for his birthday. We told her we didn't want it and to not send any more. I can't believe that this person has cut you off because she's, what, jealous? And yet still expects you to buy her DC gifts? How entitled is she?? You will never get thanked, as they are too young to do it themselves and she is never going to do it, is she? So, you're going to buy gifts for … how many years? Til they turn 18? With no thanks at all. Don't buy the other DC a gift, just stop it now.

MMadness · 27/08/2019 13:05

Look. She’s manipulative and toxic at best.

For you, just don’t engage.

Her circle of friends will always be fluid and inconsistent due to her behaviours.

You can’t change that or really offer anything to her children due to their ages. It’s not your responsibility.

Don’t engage again.

OrangeSlices998 · 27/08/2019 13:06

Please don't buy any presents. Send a card if you wish, but you have to draw the line and show some respect for yourself. You deserve better than being ordered to buy gifts for the children of a 'friend' who has cut you off.

Original poster

Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 13:08

Does she buy your kids presents? Do you invite her kids to their celebrations?
Do your kids still play with each other?
I would never expect a present from someone I didn't invite to a party.
I wouldn't cut off all contact as such, as this may hurt the kids, but I don't see why you should be making any additional efforts.

I don’t have kids yet, and I doubt she would ever forgive me if I did.

Regarding the list, it’s not that odd. She’s very particular in what her children are into, or plays with/wears so instead of cluttering up her house with toys she doesn’t want (or her selling them on Facebook) I just get the kids what they want. I think I know what to do. No more presents. I feel sad for the kids especially the older one as I would have taken them out a lot to give her a break so we would have been close. I just hope he doesn’t think another person doesn’t love him. He’s dealing with the absence of his dad, the introduction of a new dad that seems quite forced (new dad said he is a spoiled little c word once when he was drunk) where she acts like they both adore each other but neither seem comfortable with each other and the loss of his other “auntie” who he still asks about and misses

OP posts:

lozengeoflove · 27/08/2019 13:09

Your friend has some brass neck! OP, why even engage in buying presents and following lists sent by someone so vitriolic?

Sounds like it’s time to sever all links.

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