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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to cut off friends children?

67 replies

Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 10:40

I would be very close to a friends children (5 and 3), she recently decided to end our friendship (she can’t cope with the fact I got engaged) and has mostly blanked me. The only time I’ve heard from her was when she sent me a little list for her 5 year olds birthday but did not invite me to the celebration. Sent me a video of him playing with the toys but no thank you. Her youngests birthday is approaching shortly and to be honest I feel disrespected. I am always very generous with them on birthdays and Christmas, but given the circumstances would I BU to just stop buying gifts?

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/08/2019 13:12

You can’t maintain a relationship with her kids. Sending them gifts doesn’t create a relationship. You’d have to meet them and talk to them. Especially at the age they are. And your friend isn’t going to facilitate that. Nor should she, really. Having a bunch of adults who don’t like each other around kids isn’t, generally, great for them and you have no other connection except through them.

Don’t send a present to the 3 year old. The child is almost certainly too young to feel a sense of unfairness because their sibling got a present from you (too young to remember who sibling got presents off). The only way they’ll be upset is when their mother makes some catty remark about it, but she’s going to do that anyway by the sounds of it and you won’t change their lives by sending them extra toys.

Rainonmyguitar · 27/08/2019 13:54

she recently decided to end our friendship (she can’t cope with the fact I got engaged) and has mostly blanked me

Why couldn't she cope with you getting engaged? She sounds like an absolute nightmare, keep her away.

tomcatspray · 27/08/2019 17:20

You say you don't think she would forgive you if you had children ?!

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 17:27

I'd send a present because the other child got one.

Then I'd stop. Over Christmas it isn't going to be noticed.

You can't make a difference to the five year old, unfortunately. You are just going to be someone else who disappeared out of his life, but that is his Mother's decision.

ForTheTimeBeing · 27/08/2019 17:37

YABU to even consider sending further presents.

MsJuniper · 27/08/2019 18:44

My friends and I often send pictures/video of dc with presents in lieu of the words "thank you" but it's always been assumed that's what the message means (or now dc are bigger they can record a thank you video themselves). We are in touch though other than for present giving. It doesn't sound like your friend wants that. If you want to keep the contact, I'd just send token gifts from now on but it would be fine to stop I think.

Original poster

Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 21:31

You say you don't think she would forgive you if you had children ?!

She wouldn’t. From when we were teens, she wanted to get married and be a mother. I was wild in my 20s, partied and didn’t settle down.

When I met my current partner she and her then husband told me I could do better, she calls him unflattering things to do with his profession and the fact he’s in his 30s and never been married before. Shes been trying to talk me around to get an IUD (after a pregnancy scare where she told me I wasn’t mother material and to consider if I wanted to go through with it) and protested with “but you said you didn’t want kids” when I told her I didn’t want a long term contraception.

She has made comments in the past why if I ever got married I shouldn’t have a traditional wedding, and why I shouldn’t get serious with my partner.

When we got engaged she stopped talking to me. Completely blanked. Sent me the normal bday request list before his birthday but that’s all I’ve heard from her.

OP posts:

leomama81 · 27/08/2019 21:49

God she sounds absolutely awful OP. Count yourself lucky she's out of your life and no, don't buy any more for the kids. Honestly they won't remember it, nor will they remember any brief feeling about your absence, sorry if that sounds harsh but they are very young and kids will just move on.

Congrats on your engagement, sounds like you have a new exciting chapter ahead of you without her!

ursuslemonade · 27/08/2019 22:37

Op have you posted about her before? If so, she is a horrid user.
Congratulations on your engagement!

SandyY2K · 27/08/2019 22:53

I'm really flabbergasted by this thread.... nit as much by your ex friend...but that you would tolerate it all.

She says you aren't mother material.

She expresses her dislike about your DP.

She tried to dictate your method of contraception

She cuts you off when you get engaged...and then has the impudence to send you a gift list for her child.

This isn't meant in a nasty way...but your responses (or lack of) to her behaviour over the years isn't normal.... you could do with some counselling therapy to understand why you'd allow a friend to treat you like this.

Much of her behaviour is abusive really... would you tolerate this kind of behaviour from your partner or anyone else?

For your own sake, figure out with a professional why.

In relation to your question... don't but a gift for the child. Block her and delete her from social media.

She is what I call a nasty piece of work and you don't need any part of her in your life. The manipulative bi**h.

ddl1 · 28/08/2019 18:18

Wow, she sounds awful! I had thought maybe it was a one-time quarrel that could possibly be resolved eventually, but it seems to be constant nastiness.You are well out of that friendship! As the cliche goes, with friends like that, who needs enemies?!

AlwaysCheddar · 28/08/2019 18:41

Walk away!!!

Rememberfluffthecat · 28/08/2019 19:02

This is no friend of yours

thecatinthetwat · 28/08/2019 19:11

A video of the child playing with the toy is a thank you really.

Anyway, yes stop sending gifts, but I would send one for the 3 year old, given that you sent one to the 5 year old. Then stop. Especially if you know she might make it unpleasant for the child on their birthday (based on your example from the other friend).

Then just leave it.

Troels · 28/08/2019 19:17

She's a horrible person Just block her on your phone and move on with your life, you don't need her to throw you snippets and pass judgement on your life.
The three year old will be oblivious to you sending a toy oor not.
Has she tried to send you a list for him yet?

Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 19:19

Well no you’re not being unreasonable to ‘cut them off’ at all. I thought this post would be about young adults or teens you’ve known all their life - the children are 3 and 5, it would be a bit weird if you did stay involved when you have nothing to do with their mum anymore.

AlpacaGoodnight · 28/08/2019 19:57

As the other birthday was so recent I would send 1 last present for the other child (I know that probably makes me soft!) Then block her from everything!

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