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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Complication

76 replies

Chocolatelover106 · 27/08/2019 09:20

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU I suppose, so here goes.

Have 2 step-children and 2 direct children. I met the DSC when they were mid / late teens so never expected to be a "mother" to them, but they were lovely, and I really hoped to have a good relationship with them. So their father and I got together, got married and had 2 children together. DSC were busy doing A levels, going to uni etc over those few years, so we supported them, and took them on holiday etc and all was good. I should add that although my DH is a lovely, wonderful man, he doesn't earn much, and I earn far more, so when it came to financial support, really it all came from me, and I think they would have been vaguely aware of that.

Then after uni they both moved from where we live in the north to London. We (I mean I) helped them on the property ladder in due course. However, gradually we noticed them turning from the lovely humans they were into, well frankly a lot more entitled and a bit arrogant people. one of many examples of this was that we no longer seemed good enough for them. I once had a conversation with one of them where she said " I think I will elope to marry, can you imagine inviting my relatives otherwise?"

Now, I am very down to earth, and although they know I have a professional job, they do not know that my parents are quite wealthy. I never disclose that as I prefer people to judge me as me. But here is the complication.

My parents are now elderly and are starting to pass on some inheritance, and I assume I will get all of it in the next few years. So I need to update my will. My parents have said that "their" money is for my 2 biological children. And since being treated poorly by DSC (they have never even sent me a birthday card, and there are many, many examples) I am inclined to agree with my parents.

So, do I;

Leave all my assets to my DC
Leave all inherited assets to my DC and split "my" assets amongst them all or
Leave everything equally split?

My DH says leave DSC nothing, he will leave his (very small) assets to them, as he is quite disgusted with their behaviour.

Thank you for reading, just need some opinions please?

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 27/08/2019 09:24

Can you get your DPs to leave a chunk in trust for your DC so it isn't yours anyway?

Usually on here I have seen it recommended that each parent leaves only to their bio children. So you split between 2 and your DH between 4.

user1493494961 · 27/08/2019 09:26

Leave all your assets to your DC, your husband leaves his to his DC.

Namelessinseattle · 27/08/2019 09:27

At the end of the day you’ll be dead... so if it were me I’d think about my kids and what I want for them.

I’d leave just your kids your parents money, but after that I’d think about their relationships. Will they be better off with a quarter split of yours and a relationship with their siblings or a half split and the hassle.

Maybe work our a sum you think that Would be worth it for a quiet life for your kids.

Finfintytint · 27/08/2019 09:27

Let your parents leave what they want to your children separately. You then inherit the rest. Your DH would surely inherit from you anyway if you die first.

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/08/2019 09:27

You have your DH's support so I would go ahead and do it.

user1493494961 · 27/08/2019 09:28

Yes, as Teen says would be better.

titchy · 27/08/2019 09:32

On the assumption that your SC have no relationship with your bio children leave yours to your two, and DH leaves his to his four. If there is a relationship which they benefit from, and may be affected, then include them somehow.

Obvs if the SC grow up a bit or their circumstances change you can review.

Timandra · 27/08/2019 09:32

I don't think you can protect your children's relationships with each other anyway.

If you split it between all four, your own DCs may be upset that someone who has treated you badly and wasn't your child was considered to be equal to them in your will.

In like the idea of the money from your parents being put in trust for your DCs .

JMoore · 27/08/2019 09:33

I would do as your DH suggests. It was good of you to support your DSC as much as you have, but your assets should be left to your biological children.

Presumably your DSC also have a biological mother and will inherit her assets one day. Why should they inherit from your DH, their mother and you?

ihatebikerides · 27/08/2019 09:35

We had a "situation" with some step-children that my parents were concerned about. They ring-fenced half their estate to us children and the other half to their (named) biological grandchildren (no chance of any more being born at that point).
Probably controversial, but it's their money.

BogglesGoggles · 27/08/2019 09:42

I would suggest that your parent put the money in trust for the grandchildren instead to avoid any fall out.

littleduckeggblue · 27/08/2019 09:47

Leave their money and your money to your DC, DSC will get inheritance off their biological grandparents and parents

user1493413286 · 27/08/2019 09:50

Won’t all your money go to your DH if something happened to you first? My plan is that my substantially bigger half is to go to my children because my money has come from inheritance from my family while DH will split his between his child and our joint children.
Part of the decision in that is DSD has a mum and maternal grandparents to leave her money as well as DHs family so if I left her money she’d be getting it from 3 sides while much DC only get it from 2 sides and that would be unfair for them.

Juells · 27/08/2019 09:51

I think I will elope to marry, can you imagine inviting my relatives otherwise?"

I don't see that as being very awful - my own daughter has said the same thing to me. It isn't about me, it's about having the stress of relatives who don't get on at her wedding. It's natural to translate everything that's said as being about oneself, but it might be about not wanting bad feelings on her wedding day.

katewhinesalot · 27/08/2019 09:51

Go with what your dh recommends.

Ciara1234456 · 27/08/2019 09:55

Def leave your parents money to your grandchildren, even your partner agrees and is their mum also in the picture? Surely her assets will go to them too.

Ciara1234456 · 27/08/2019 09:55

Sorry I meant leave your parents money to their bio grandchildren

regmover · 27/08/2019 09:56

I agree with your husband.

ColaFreezePop · 27/08/2019 09:58

If the OP is in England depending on how she writes her will and how the house is owned, then it won't necessarily all pass to her DH.

bridgetreilly · 27/08/2019 10:00

The problem with separating out your inheritance from your parents from your own assets is that in fifty years time it will be virtually impossible to disentangle them, unless you use the inheritance for a specific thing, e.g. buying a house. So your options are:
i) suggest that your parents leave their money to your children directly or in a trust. That works in terms of where the money ultimately ends up but doesn't allow you to benefit from it e.g. if you need nursing care later in life.
ii) use a substantial part of your inheritance directly for your children, e.g. for university/buying a home. Again, that allows them to benefit from it, but not your stepchildren, and leaves you in control of the money in case you need it.
iii) make a will which leaves substantial amounts to your children and then the rest to your DH/his heirs. This would give your step children some but much less than your biological children.
iv) make a will which only names your children. This could potentially leave DH in a tricky situation.
v) make a will which names your children and DH but excludes the possibility of his share going to his heirs if he predeceases you. This would cover all the bases but is very pointed (imo) about excluding the stepchildren.

I would probably do a combination of (ii) and (iii). That means your children will get a helping hand at an important time of their life, you still get the financial security when you reach old age, your children will get the bulk of your estate, and your husband won't be left struggling. Your step children would end up with some of the money, but nothing like an equal share with your biological children.

Drum2018 · 27/08/2019 10:00

I wouldn't leave any money directly to DSC. Will you be leaving anything to your Dh? If you pre decease him and he inherits from you, he will leave his estate to his kids, so they'd get your money anyway. Speak to a solicitor and figure out the best way for your estate to go directly to your children.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/08/2019 10:03

I'd also go with your parents leaving a trust for your children (named), as it may help them to keep their money should they end up in an abusive relationship, looking further down the line.

bridgetreilly · 27/08/2019 10:03

Won’t all your money go to your DH if something happened to you first?

Not unless that's written into her will.

If she has no will, then the rules are:
If there are surviving children, grandchildren or great grandchildren of the person who died and the estate is valued at more than £250,000, the partner will inherit all the personal property and belongings of the person who has died, and the first £250,000 of the estate, and half of the remaining estate.

Stepchildren do not automatically inherit, only biological and adopted children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2019 10:03

Your husband is right.

Look into the trust idea so your parents give some money directly to your DC.

Rock4please · 27/08/2019 10:06

You should leave a life interest to your DH and then to your bio DC in equal shares, but maybe leave bequests to your DSC - but only if you want to. However, I wouldn't be too upset by the relations' remark. You sound a bit of a chippy Northerner to be honest Grin