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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Complication

76 replies

Chocolatelover106 · 27/08/2019 09:20

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU I suppose, so here goes.

Have 2 step-children and 2 direct children. I met the DSC when they were mid / late teens so never expected to be a "mother" to them, but they were lovely, and I really hoped to have a good relationship with them. So their father and I got together, got married and had 2 children together. DSC were busy doing A levels, going to uni etc over those few years, so we supported them, and took them on holiday etc and all was good. I should add that although my DH is a lovely, wonderful man, he doesn't earn much, and I earn far more, so when it came to financial support, really it all came from me, and I think they would have been vaguely aware of that.

Then after uni they both moved from where we live in the north to London. We (I mean I) helped them on the property ladder in due course. However, gradually we noticed them turning from the lovely humans they were into, well frankly a lot more entitled and a bit arrogant people. one of many examples of this was that we no longer seemed good enough for them. I once had a conversation with one of them where she said " I think I will elope to marry, can you imagine inviting my relatives otherwise?"

Now, I am very down to earth, and although they know I have a professional job, they do not know that my parents are quite wealthy. I never disclose that as I prefer people to judge me as me. But here is the complication.

My parents are now elderly and are starting to pass on some inheritance, and I assume I will get all of it in the next few years. So I need to update my will. My parents have said that "their" money is for my 2 biological children. And since being treated poorly by DSC (they have never even sent me a birthday card, and there are many, many examples) I am inclined to agree with my parents.

So, do I;

Leave all my assets to my DC
Leave all inherited assets to my DC and split "my" assets amongst them all or
Leave everything equally split?

My DH says leave DSC nothing, he will leave his (very small) assets to them, as he is quite disgusted with their behaviour.

Thank you for reading, just need some opinions please?

OP posts:
Kit30 · 27/08/2019 10:35

Go and see a good private client (wills/private) lawyer. You need someone with experience of setting up and running family trusts AND tax issues. If your parents already have someone involved in their estate planning (which sounds likely, given their wealth and age) then it would be sensible to use the same person for continuity. Your parents could give permission for their advisor to disclose details of their wills to make sure that your (potential and actual) assets are protected. Bear in mind that some of your assets - family home, pension etc- may be outside your estate for inheritance and tax purposes and will need to be dealt with accordingly.
You need proper advice and guidance ASAP.

over50andfab · 27/08/2019 10:48

I agree with kit to seek proper advice, look at all scenarios for the future, age of your DC is relevant, trusts particularly discretionary and interest in possession which you can research before accessing professional advice, tax treatment thereof etc.

Personal view is we should leave our money to whoever we wish and your DH being in agreement should make things easier for you. Also, it sounds like you have already been of great support to your DSC.

YouJustDoYou · 27/08/2019 10:52

Put the money in a Trust for the bio grandkids.

Original poster
Chocolatelover106 · 27/08/2019 10:56

Thank you so much for the replies, I was expecting to get many more saying I was mean and horrid for considering not letting DSCs inherit, so I am relieved!

Love the bus ticket to Gretna idea!

Yes, great idea about trusts, GP's have already done this for my DCs, forgot to mention it, sorry! But as for the rest, I will need to see a solicitor again I think. I made my existing will when DH and I got married 15 years ago, and it wasn't so complex, but at the moment it is set up so that if I die first he only gets life interest and the DCs get the majority with some named amounts to DSC.

But I am so glad people don't think I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 27/08/2019 11:00

It's fairly common today in all these blended families ESP when children were older originally that husbands and wives keep their assets for their own children . This will be our situation. You have already been more than generous funding their education.

everyonecaneffoff · 27/08/2019 11:01

Your parents can't stipulate who you pass their money and assets on to in your will. If they want to ensure the money goes directly to their biological grandchildren then they should speak to a solicitor to see about setting up a trust.
If they will the money and assets to you, you can do what you like with it.

You should consider what happens to your DH if you were to die before him. Is the house owned in both your names? What if you were your children inherited your half of the house and then wanted to sell it to get the money for whatever reason? Your DH would then have to sell unless you put some kind of life-interest stipulation in the will - again, ask a solicitor.
Or do you wish to leave some of your money to DH so that he will be financially secure should you die? This could mean that this money ends up going to the DSC.
I do think you should consider whether DH is to inherit from you and if so what and how much and if not, will he be financially secure?

But no, I wouldn't, in your situation, leave anything in your will to the DSC. They've had enough help. Their Dad can leave them something in his will and presumably their mother too (if she has any assets, or is indeed still alive).
See a solicitor for some advice.

everyonecaneffoff · 27/08/2019 11:03

X-posted - you already mentioned life interest is in your will.
That's good.

lyralalala · 27/08/2019 11:04

But I am so glad people don't think I am being unreasonable.

You’re definitely not being.

In my house I’ve been DS1’s step mum since he was very young. He calls me mum, I class him as my son - I would be unreasonable to cut him out (his mummy died when he was a toddler). In your situation its a very very different set up completely!

78percentLindt · 27/08/2019 11:07

Another person saying to ask your parents to leave a substantial part of their estate to your children directly.
TBH I would also ensure that what you inherit from your parents goes to your biological children. You have helped the DSC already.
Let DH leave his estate beteen all of his children equally, His dc could be inheriting from their mother.. She won't share anything with your kids.

MzHz · 27/08/2019 11:10

I agree with the Gretna bus ticket - remove the specified amounts for the DSC, they have had FAR more than they deserve.

He must be very sad that his kids are so fucking ungrateful and shamelessly entitled.

IsobelRae23 · 27/08/2019 11:15

Your money to your children. Husbands money to his children. And don’t worry about it!

endofthelinefinally · 27/08/2019 11:20

Whatever you do, make it quick.
If you die without making a post marriage will, everything will go to your DH and thence to his DC.

KevinKlineSwoon · 27/08/2019 11:24

I come from a complicated, blended family.

All my mother's personal money will be split between my brother and me. My step-father's money will be split between his DDs. Joint money and the house is split four ways.
My Dad and his wife plan to split everything equally between all their children (they have no joint children) despite most of the money originating from my dad.
I personally couldn't care less how things are divided. Just do what you think is best.

Chalfontstgiles · 27/08/2019 11:25

You've answered your own question OP. I see no great point in this thread. Just provide for your biological DCs In your will. However, be aware that anything you leave to your DH could all possibility get 'passed' or gifted by him to the DSC. so in the event of your death, I would pass a large portion directly to your DC's (say 75%) and only a smaller amount to your DH.
People becoming a bit entitled when they move north to south can happen OP.....I'm one of them! Don't take it personally. There are plenty of entitled people up north too!

Chalfontstgiles · 27/08/2019 11:27

Agree with @endofthelinefinally.....crack on. Time is of the essence, an intestate scenario for you and your DC would not be good at all!! !!!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/08/2019 11:45

YANBU, you've already been very generous towards your DSC. Might be different if you'd helped to bring them up from tiny but this isn't the dynamic here. As your biological child I'd be upset if you'd split everything equally between me and older step siblings who wanted nothing to do with us.

endofthelinefinally · 27/08/2019 11:56

Remember, a marriage invalidates any existing will.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 27/08/2019 12:02

OP - I have a similar problem. DH has children and grandchildren - I have none but have cousins. I do not wish the stepchildren to receive any inheritance from me (all passed to me from my parents); however, if I pre-decease DH, as it stands, everything will go to him and I cannot stipulate how he uses it. I want him to be able to use it for his own purposes but on his death for the remainder to go to my blood family. I think I need to see a Soliictor! It is a minefield.

StarlingsInSummer · 27/08/2019 12:07

I'd just leave it to my own children, if I were you. It might be different if you'd married their dad when they were toddlers/babies.

I would suggest to your parents that they leave some in trust for your children though, if they are so adamant that none of it is used for the benefit of your steps. And be aware that anything left to your husband/anything you hold in common will be equally inheritable by the steps, depending on how your will/ownership of property is set out.

HiJenny35 · 27/08/2019 12:07

You really need proper advice in terms of inheritance tax etc. If it's 7 years before the death of your parents they can gift to your children without them paying inheritance tax and by spreading the amounts in their wills they can limit the amount paid later.
Your money to your children.
His money to his.
However if everything goes to him after your death I don't think you can expect him to stick to that so make sure it's all formally sorted.

QualCheckBot · 27/08/2019 12:08

Agree that you need to see a solicitor. You can get useful ideas on here but its so potentially complicated that it needs to be done properly.

I'm intrigued as to why the SC would have come to the conclusion that a family containing a high earning professional woman would be an embarrassment to them on getting married. Can you provide more information? Or is it the usual case of a woman marrying into a family being assumed to be contributing less, when the opposite is true?

FloatingObject · 27/08/2019 12:13

Lets put it this way, my mum didn't help me through university nor to get on the property ladder, and she's my biological mother! You've done plenty.

missmoz · 27/08/2019 12:41

How old are you step children? Is it a case of them just being early 20's and a bit selfish?

The wedding comment really doesn't seem that big of a deal without other examples of how they're terrible people...

That being said it's your money to do with what you want and helping someone buy a house is v generous. Has your DH provided for his older children at all?

HotChocolateLover · 27/08/2019 12:45

Only just done our wills and currently got no savings (although hopefully this will change) I have one child, DH has 2. Our house is owned as tenants in common and my son gets my half and DHs 2 get his half to share. My son isn’t missing out because DH and his ex had 2 children. My step-daughter can also be quite nasty at times but that’s another story. You should do similar OP.

EllesBells123 · 27/08/2019 13:09

I think what you're doing sounds very reasonable and wise to speak to a solicitor about this when having your wills amended.

Totally up to you how you split your money although, you haven't given many examples of the terrible behaviour of your DSC other than the comment about elopement. My husband and I have just eloped. The reason being it's very hard to organise an intimate wedding where one person has parents on second marriages but not the other. My husband has full siblings, half siblings and step siblings plus the partners and children of those various siblings and he has parents who don't really like each other, both married to new people who also obviously don't really like the other couple. I have a mum, dad and sister and that's it. It's very hard to organise something unless it's a massive wedding where those people just blend into a bigger crowd, but that's expensive and not to everyone's liking. We wanted our parents there but an awkward meal where my mum and dad have to be sandwiched between his mum and step-dad and his dad and step-mum didn't feel like much of a celebration. I wouldn't blame your DSC for opting to elope at all. It's not her fault her parent's split and now she has all this extra family to consider.