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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dispute Ainu

62 replies

erasemybrain · 27/08/2019 06:48

So, my brother works for my dad. My dad pays him more than he pays himself. He usually only works 3 days a week but gets paid for 5. He gets picked up and dropped off and my mom provides his lunch. He has recently had a baby and they had a big job to do, a long day. My brother told my dad he wasn't doing it as he didn't want to be out of the house for so long. My dad was angry, making threats about selling the company, making my brother self employed so he only gets paid for what he does etc. So my mom asked me to step in. It's been a problem for a while that my brother won't drive. My dad paid for him to take his test but he still won't drive and their job involves driving hundreds of miles which is left to my 65 year old dad. He also won't do any of the paperwork. I spoke to both sides and then wrote a business plan which was factual and balanced. I sent it with an email explaining to my brother that he needs to step up and the impact it's having on my dad because he is so busy and my mom because my dad is never able to do anything with her.
But now I'm the bad guy because I've hurt his feelings. My mom is demanding I apologise saying he is really hurt. My dad blames my moms recent glaucoma diagnosis on me saying it's caused by stress! To make it worse I'm currently on holiday with my mom and dad (and dh and dc) and they are putting me under real pressure and I've lost all perspective. So aibu? So as not to drip feed I am company secretary although pay no part in the business

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 27/08/2019 06:57

So they asked you to step in and help. It they don’t like what you did. I think I’d be stepping away from the lot of them

elvis86 · 27/08/2019 06:58

Your parents are dicks.

If you take no earnings from the joke of a company I'd step right away and tell them to get on with it, and that you don't want to hear about their frustrations with your brother ever again.

Cheeky bastards asking you to "step in" and then ruining your holiday because your brother is "upset"! I'd be livid if I were you. I'd be livid if I were your DH too, come to think of it!

MrsExpo · 27/08/2019 07:06

As company sec, paid or unpaid, you have a role in guiding this business. If one of the employees doesn’t like a few commercial truths and isn’t prepared to step up and pull his weight, then he needs to go. Your dad isn’t running running a charity here. Stick to your guns OP. No apology for stating some home truths.

StoorieHoose · 27/08/2019 07:11

I would back your dad in selling the company and retiring. The attitude DB is showing can be seen up and down the country in businesses where the worker doesn't pull his weight cos he's the bosses son - what does your brother think will happen in the future? Your dad is going to stop working at some point and your brother won't be employable anywhere else sue to his attitude

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/08/2019 07:17

No advice OP but I get similar...my brother is in his 40s and a bit of a loser...he gets into all sorts of situations by demanding what he is prepared to do and what he isn;t whilst expecting everyone to facillitate him and bow to his superior self.I step in and put him right and demand more of him as a person..least by being decent and respectful but then I get called to high heaven by my ever enabling mother....now this happened a few times and I have been asked to step in but no more.If they have a problem with him let them sort it.You tried to do the decent thing with the soundest of motives and it backfired...don;t let yourself be burdened with it.I refuse now when I hear XXXXX has done this and is in a mess,,why does it always happen to him? I shake my head and walk away...the reason it happens to him is he thinks he is a prince and can do as he likes and sail through life and they let him....how thick can people be? I am sorry your the bad guy but I think smart,caring and decent would describe you best! Shrug it off and tell them you don;t want to hear it.

YouJustDoYou · 27/08/2019 07:20

Sounds like your brother has been pandered to for so long that he's a spoiled little brat. Unfortunately, he has no idea of what it truly means to work and earn money, because he's been spoiled by your father. I don't think ybu btw.

lasttimeround · 27/08/2019 07:22

Poor you. Theres not much you can do in these dysfunctional situations. Just be calm and clear restating what you did and recommend. Step away from the rest of it

Tonnerre · 27/08/2019 07:25

Print out information on glaucoma from your father that will demonstrate that it definitely is not caused by stress. Point out to your mother that she asked you to step in and ask what was actually wrong with your proposals. Tell you brother to grow up and take some responsibility for himself for once. And finally tell all three of them, in your capacity as company secretary, that they are running the company into the ground and you will not be taking any further part in running it.

AJPTaylor · 27/08/2019 07:27

I would formally resign from being co. Secretary and leave them to it.

barryfromclareisfit · 27/08/2019 07:27

Get out. Stay out.
Leave them to it. Your parents are using the business to exert control. They aren’t taking responsibility - when something is challenging, they dump it on you. Cut your losses, refuse to play their game.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/08/2019 07:28

Your parents sound like idiots, they asked you to step in, but when you did they don't like it. What they should have said is, 'i want you to step in but only say what we want you to' Hmm

Your brother also sounds like a spoilt, lazy twat. He needs to try his hand at working in the real world and he might appreciate what a cushion number he's on and start to pull his weight and act like an adult

I'd stay well out if it OP

C0untDucku1a · 27/08/2019 07:31

I agree with winding down the business and hour father retiring.

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 07:36

Your father has spoiled him. He needs to start paying him according to hours worked. If he wants to reduce his hours, then so does his pay. This might allow him to pay someone else on a casual basis. If your brothers attitude worsens, he 'll have to go through the disciplinary route before sacking him.

CalmdownJanet · 27/08/2019 07:38

I would just say
"Right listen because this is the last I'll say on the matter, YOU asked for my help, I gave it, you didn't like it and that's fine but this blaming me for upsetting my brother and stressing my mother is bullshit. Mam you were already stressed hence why you asked for help, brother is upset because he's been called out on taking advantage, that's all. So no I am taking zero responsibility or emotional blackmail for any of your already ridiculous situation. Dad in future if you can't manage your own employees or business I don't want to know. Now this is not up for discussion again, you are being unfair and I am not having it".

And then shut them down if they ever try mention the business at all just trot on the mn " not my circus" line

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 07:38

Winding down the business is probably a good idea, all round. He's at the age where he ought to be winding down, not driving hundreds of miles.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/08/2019 08:04

Just imagining the faces at work if I told them that I was 'upset' because they told me I had to work proper hours...

Your dad needs to retire if he finds it all too much. That will show your brother what actual 'work' is, especially if he tries to take over the business.

And you ought to find some stuff on causes of glaucoma and shove it in the direction of your parents. 'Caused by you...' how dare they?

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/08/2019 08:09

Well it’s caused by their willingness to be mugged off.

Catbrat · 27/08/2019 08:11

I think you need to be honest with them and tell them they need to stop mollycoddling your brother, hes taking the piss out of them and gets away with it because he does his poor me routine and everyone bows down to him.
Do not apologize, they asked you to help, and I think you was fair, I think I'd have been much harder on someone taking my aging Dad for a ride. If they still don't like it, walk away from the business and leave them to it.

Rock4please · 27/08/2019 08:24

I would use the opportunity to talk to them and persuade your father to hand over the reigns to your DB. It sounded stressful before but with your mum's diagnosis, she will need your DF to look after her instead of pandering to your DB. It's time for them to enjoy their retirement. DB has family responsibilities now and needs to grow up.

And definitely resign as company secretary. It is an onerous job with a lot of legal responsibilities.

Myriade · 27/08/2019 08:37

What @CalmdownJanet said.

You tried to help after THEY asked you to intervene.
You are not the cause of the glaucoma (it’s a slow moving disease!) not are your the cause of the your dbro upset (he could simply have said he doesn’t agree it’s x and y and that z is better).

The best is for you to step back completely form the family business. If they don’t take NO for an answer, I would consider going back home.

CoraPirbright · 27/08/2019 08:38

What is the ultimate aim here? For your father to retire and your brother to inherit/take over the business? What a joke - it’ll be bust in a year!

I would say to them “I am sorry you are upset but lets just ask one, simple question from the list: why are you paying him for 5 days work when he only does 3?” And then sit in silence expectantly waiting for an answer. I dont think they are looking at the situation with a clear head at all.

I am so sorry they are putting you in this position. I would tell them you are resigning from the whole sorry mess.

ChicCroissant · 27/08/2019 08:38

If you are not involved with the business, how do you know that your business plan was 'factual and balanced'? Because from your post, I'm guessing it would be slightly biased towards your father - you don't like your brother!

Your parents have created this situation, let them deal with it. Your father winding up the business is certainly an option if he wants to retire.

LillithsFamiliar · 27/08/2019 08:40

It doesn't sound as though YWBU but you were misguided. A business plan is an excellent idea but everyone involved needs to feel ownership of it. You didn't give them that.
It also sounds as though your mum (who isn't in the business if I understand this correctly) asked you to help smooth over a 'family' issue. You decided to focus on the business and came up with a plan that no-one had asked for and that exacerbated the problem that your DM had asked you to fix ie tension in the family.

HangryPants · 27/08/2019 08:41

You've walked right in to this, classic Drama Triangle.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/08/2019 08:43

I hope you get paid fairly as secretary at least?

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