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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dispute Ainu

62 replies

erasemybrain · 27/08/2019 06:48

So, my brother works for my dad. My dad pays him more than he pays himself. He usually only works 3 days a week but gets paid for 5. He gets picked up and dropped off and my mom provides his lunch. He has recently had a baby and they had a big job to do, a long day. My brother told my dad he wasn't doing it as he didn't want to be out of the house for so long. My dad was angry, making threats about selling the company, making my brother self employed so he only gets paid for what he does etc. So my mom asked me to step in. It's been a problem for a while that my brother won't drive. My dad paid for him to take his test but he still won't drive and their job involves driving hundreds of miles which is left to my 65 year old dad. He also won't do any of the paperwork. I spoke to both sides and then wrote a business plan which was factual and balanced. I sent it with an email explaining to my brother that he needs to step up and the impact it's having on my dad because he is so busy and my mom because my dad is never able to do anything with her.
But now I'm the bad guy because I've hurt his feelings. My mom is demanding I apologise saying he is really hurt. My dad blames my moms recent glaucoma diagnosis on me saying it's caused by stress! To make it worse I'm currently on holiday with my mom and dad (and dh and dc) and they are putting me under real pressure and I've lost all perspective. So aibu? So as not to drip feed I am company secretary although pay no part in the business

OP posts:
HangryPants · 27/08/2019 08:45

Drama Triangle. Initial set-up:
Victim: DP
Persecutor: DB
Rescuer: OP

After Switch:
Victim: DB
Persecutor: OP
Rescuer: DP

You can prevent this from happening again by opting out of the game altogether.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 27/08/2019 08:47

Tell it like it is. They have a problem with their DS because they have pandered to him, asked you to help and now you are the scape goat for their problems which are nothing to do with you
Please do not apologise

KUGA · 27/08/2019 08:48

YANBU.
They asked you to try and sort your b out.
You tried so how dare they ask you to apologise ,like fcuk would I even think it.
Also your b will regret being a twat to your d when he dies early from the stress of a lazy twat of a son.
Get out of the business and go where you would be appreciated.
Sorry your having a shit hols.

Geronimorlassie · 27/08/2019 08:56

Really why is this situation acceptable. Walk away...but make it clear why you are walking away.

Juells · 27/08/2019 08:58

My crystal ball says that your father will sell the business, and give the money to your brother to set up a pie-in-the-sky business which fails within a year. You will never see a penny of inheritance, and will be blamed for everything.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/08/2019 09:11

I'd back away to be honest. Is your brother an employee of the company? If just an employee, your father could threaten him with dismissal if he doesn't up his game. The business should be run properly and there isn't any room for this type of behaviour. He certainly wouldn't get away with it in any other organisation.

Whilst it would sour relations, it doesn't sound a bed of roses now does it?

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/08/2019 09:12

As an aside can I come and work for your dad? I can see totally commit to full Time wages with part time wages and a Chauffeur service.

Original poster
erasemybrain · 27/08/2019 09:12

Thank you for your replies. It's crazy how when trapped in a caravan you can start to doubt yourself. I just told my mom I didn't want to hear about it anymore and she said don't her feelings count for anything. Looked upset and said fine a lot. She's now stropped off.

The business plan was taken with both of their views. I spoke to them both and then wrote down the plan. The idea was that my brother would slowly take over so my dad could slow down. At the moment he gets in the van, sits on his phone for the journey, packs some boxes whilst my dad carries them and then sits on his phone the whole way back. When his wife goes back to work he will also be dropping off the baby for my mom to look after whilst he's at work!

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 09:13

So my mom asked me to step in.

Why? If you don't work for your dad's company it's nothing to do with you.

PurpleWithRed · 27/08/2019 09:17

If nobody is prepared to listen to your sound thinking then resign as secretary and step away. It’s agony to watch this kind of thing happen to people you love, its hard for your parents to acknowledge that their beloved son is treating them so badly.

Juells · 27/08/2019 09:20

Also your b will regret being a twat to your d when he dies early from the stress of a lazy twat of a son.

No, he'll blame the OP for putting the dad under stress.

sackrifice · 27/08/2019 09:21

Make sure you follow it up with a invoice for your time.

cheesydoesit · 27/08/2019 09:23

All three of them sound infuriating. How hurtful for you that your parents have turned on you when they have created a monster by enabling your brother. They are using you as a scapegoat. I agree with the drama triangle situation. I would keep distancing myself, let them crack on with it.

katewhinesalot · 27/08/2019 09:30

Stay calm. Reiterate that you tried to help them. It wasn't appreciated so now you are stepping back. You don't want to fall out with anyone so it's best it's not really discussed in your presence any more.

ButtonMoonLoon · 27/08/2019 09:30

Your brother isn’t actually behaving as an adult-he is being a child and your parents are still enabling it. I doubt that anything you say will stop them doing this. Can you back away from the company? The only way I can see that you will be relieved of the stress this has brought you is to not be connected to them professionally.
I would also prepare a one liner that succinctly sums up your feelings on the subject to cut the conversation dead. Something like
‘You have enabled this situation, if you have a problem with it, do something about it’.

Tchalla · 27/08/2019 09:34

Your brother is a sponger and selfish to npt think of his impact on his dad. I second Dad retiring and your DB getting a real job and being paid according to his hours. I do suspect however that he would get your parents to supplement his income, they would be worried about their retirement and not having enough money left over and they would ask you to step in again.

Walk away completely from the company and never fall for the trick to "step in" again. People looking for someone to scapegoat for their own bad decisions on both sides.

Aragog · 27/08/2019 09:35

@dollydaydream114

OP says she is the company secretary, presumably that is why she is involved.

PapaShango · 27/08/2019 09:37

Speaking from experience, just step away and leave them to their disfunction! My db still lives at home (is 33) and my mum and dad (more mum) pander to his every wish. Myself and dsis left straight after uni.

A few times my mum has asked me to have a word with him when he’s in one of his moods. It always backfires and I become the bad guy. Queue non of them talking to me for weeks/months on end. I just stay out of their drama now and if my mum says anything about my brother, I just tell her I don’t want to know. I mean she still refers to him as her ‘baby’ ffs!

notupsettingpeople · 27/08/2019 09:40

I'm astounded they are allowing him to remain a child in this way, whilst wanting a solution to the fact your dad needs to slow down. The 3 work options are 1) brother pulls his weight more, dad slows down 2) dad sells up or stops trading in order to retire 3) brother gets paid for what he actually does, dad slows down or retires and pays someone to replace himself.

I'd be interested how he is at home, but that's a different matter, and as you've said, you've made a factual assessment not a subjective one.

Family businesses - can be fabulous. Can ruin relationships Confused

Knittedfairies · 27/08/2019 09:41

Be brave and use CalmdownJanet's script.

Drum2018 · 27/08/2019 09:43

Show them this thread to get into their thick skulls how unreasonable they all are being. Your parents treat your brother like a five year old, hence he has gotten away with doing no work for god knows how long while daddy picks up the slack. How anyone could have had a child with your brother is beyond me - no doubt he's as much of a manchild at home too. You need to get out of the business altogether, see how to go about getting your name off as secretary and let them all figure it out between them. Best thing your dad could do is sell the business, use the funds (if any) towards his retirement, and let your brother piss off and sort his own career.

PonderingPanda · 27/08/2019 09:50

@erasemybrain - agree with PP of stepping back.

What will you do though?

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2019 09:57

What does his wife say? He is being lazy and selfish.

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2019 10:01

Why are your parents enabling his shit behaviour?

RiotAndAlarum · 27/08/2019 10:02

Your father needs to sell the company; otherwise, what will he retire on?! Your brother is bringing in nothing, so won't have the money to buy your father out. The only way to get in the money which will allow them to exit the investment (without losing everything to your B's "management") is an external buyer.

Frame it as your father's "realising the investment" and your brother's "pivoting" on to something else. This saves face, but allows your father to retire without dying first. It's a pity that your M is going to be taking up the burden of supporting your B by offering free childcare. (I suppose that's her face-saving "pivot" ... though how long can she save face if she's losing her sight? Hmm)

Sorry this sounds so brutal. Despite what they are doing to you, you probably love your parents. However, they haven't earned it. Meanwhile, your brother is leeching off the very sources he needs to keep going more lifestyle than livelihood, so if your father dies and there's no way to run the business without him, and your mother goes blind and there's no free childcare without her, he will have a shock.

Any way you look at it, the company desperately needs a new company secretary!

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