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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this should not be put on my shoulders

83 replies

Raspberryfrog · 27/08/2019 01:00

Name changed for this as outing
I work as a carer to a young girl of 8, I usually work 18 hours per week as due to disability a struggle to do any more however over the last two weeks I have been doing over 60 hours as for some reason the main 2 carers have been allowed to take leave at the same time so me and the other part time carer are covering as many hours as we can. There is a week left to cover as each of the other carers have taken 3 weeks.
Last night I was meant to be doing a night shift covering but I ending up in hospital with servere stomach pain. The hospital are sending me for a scan as they suspect kidney stones.

Tonight I got to my job to be confronted by the grandma of the girl I care for (it’s a private family set up). Saying I am unreliable, the fact I only let them know an hour before I was not coming in (pain struck suddenly and I was screaming so my girlfriend had to ring)
She was saying her daughter had not been well so she had to stay over to help look after granddaughter and I had much too much time off sick. (I have had 4 days in 12 months 3 for a sickness bug and then last night)
She then says it is my fault that she won’t be able to fly out to Australia to see her other son who is seriously ill as her daughter may need help with care if I am off again and because main 2 members of staff are on leave it won’t be able to be covered.

I was just gobsmacked and did not say anything. Her grandma then leaves slamming the door and the daughter just turns to me and shrugs.
I am so upset especially with all the cover I am providing and the amount of time I end up staying for a few extra hours after a 12 hour shift because the girl I care for is unwell and her mum needs an extra hand.

So aibu to think the grandma blaming me for not being able to visit her son is not on and also
Aibu to tell them to shove a load of extra shifts they want me to cover up until Christmas. These long hours have crippled me but I knew the extra help was needed

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 27/08/2019 01:12

Time to look for another job. They have form for taking advantage with you staying longer unpaid etc. Cut your losses. Care jobs are plentiful, & life's too short.

Chocmallows · 27/08/2019 01:17

I think you need to stand up to your employer. The GM was venting at you as you are the one there, but it shouldn't have all been on your shoulders. She is probably annoyed with your employer and colleagues.

Your employer needs to respect the hours that you agreed to do and not pressurise you to flog yourself. Why did they not arrange additional holiday cover?

GibbonLover · 27/08/2019 01:18

YANBU at all. You were at the hospital for God's sake and kidney stones are bloody 'orrible, you have my sympathy. Just as an aside, drinking lots of hot water with lots of lemon in can sometimes help them break up.

It is not your fault GM can't go to Oz, it is the fault of whoever assigned leave to the other carers. Yes, GM might have been having a bad day, she might be overwhelmed with caring responsibilities herself but that's no excuse to speak to your staff like shit. At the workplace (for this is what it is), you act like a professional, be you an employee or an employer. Yes, I would tell them to shove the shifts where the sun don't shine and consider looking for a new position.

Hope things improve for you health-wise.

Tonnerre · 27/08/2019 02:05

It's not good enough that the daughter just shrugged at this. If this is a private arrangement, it's up to the family to have cover arrangements in place and they should not be assuming that you will pick up all the extra work anyway. The daughter should have told Grandma that she was talking rubbish and it couldn't conceivably be your fault.

I agree you need to look for another job.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/08/2019 02:07

Tell the grandmother to take it up with your employer. It's not your personal responsibility to provide unpaid labour or work when you are ill.

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 27/08/2019 02:28

There is a lot of pressure to make up the extra hours as there is only five of us on the team and the girl we care for needs 24 hour care ideally. But two of three main carers on leave for 3 weeks means there is three of us and one is bank staff and hardly does anything and never seems to be available.

Why the leave was agreed to I don’t know as it left totally without any cover if me or the other women are ill or something else happens.
Originally one of the staff was only taking 2 weeks but extended it to 3 during her first week of leave (again not sure how it was allowed)
We have suggested there needs to be more bank staff. We don’t get paid when off sick at all so they would not be losing anything by bringing a bank member of staff in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 27/08/2019 02:43

My colleague was also told once a migraine is no reason to be off

OP posts:

Greeborising · 27/08/2019 02:52

You are definitely NBUR but having read through the post I think there’s another side
Really sorry about your kidney stones, v painful 😖
The people/family of the girl that you are caring for are going through hell
The emotional and physical strain must be immense , and to get a bit shitty with you is to be expected
If you are a carer for someone who is “end of life” or a person who needs you and your team 24 hrs then you really need to be 24 hours, emotionally and physically.
Don’t mean to sound like a shit but I think you need to think about a different job.
It’s not about you

LovePoppy · 27/08/2019 03:05

The emotional and physical strain must be immense , and to get a bit shitty with you is to be expected

It’s not a single carers fault- there is zero reason to be shitty with OP

SHE is someone caring for their loved one. Carers are to be cherished, not abused. What a terrible attitude to have

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 27/08/2019 03:21

You really think carers should just take shit then as part of the course?

OP posts:

Shebertherbert · 27/08/2019 03:22

No you don't have to be be 24 hours emotionally and pysically. What a stupid thing to say. It's a job you are not that girls family. You are allowed to take a break. There are employment laws and your employer needs to abide by them. No matter how stressed they are they have no right to work you into the ground. It must be hard to switch off in your free time if you do care. Good carers are always in need and I suspect you can get another job quicker than they can replace you. I would look elsewhere. It is about you. You need to look after yourself and your family first.

Actually me personally would be ringing my union and anyone else I could. I would be going through my contract. Demanding my breaks and only be doing my contracted hours. While I look for a new job. But you probably don't have the energy for that. I certainly wouldn't be doing extra to cover the last week of holidays.

Greeborising · 27/08/2019 03:34

Tell me LovePoppy what experience do you have of being a carer?
Are you employed in the caring profession?
Have you trained for years to learn your skills?
Do you go to see patients at all hours because they have been incontinent, or need lifting or just a chat?
or Are you a relative who’s trying to deal with the fact that a loved one is dying or suffering and you simply can’t cope with doing it all by yourself and you really rely on ‘professionals’ to help you through.
When you are in such a terrible position and someone you love needs to be cared for with the help of others you really don’t want someone who is going to write about it on mumsnet.
I really don’t believe I have a terrible attitude

checkeredredshorts · 27/08/2019 03:44

then you really need to be 24 hours, emotionally and physically.
Don’t mean to sound like a shit but I think you need to think about a different job.
It’s not about you

I disagree.

This is the OPs job. Not her life.

You can be amazing at your job and put your heart and soul into it without dedicating every hour of your own life to it

She should be expected to carry out her contracted hours and help out with a fair and agreed amount of overtime when necessary.

To be there emotionally and physically 24 hours is bloody ridiculous and impossible. And besides the OP was really unwell.

Whether it's the family or a company organising the care and staff rota, they need to be better organised and plan ahead for these things not just lump it all on one person when it all goes wrong then have the cheek to blame them. I don't doubt they are in a very difficult situation but what the GM said was deeply unfair.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 27/08/2019 03:44

The problem is with your employer. He/she approved three lots of leave at the same time which is crazy.

It also sounds pretty exploitative that you don't get any sick pay. Have you looked at alternative agencies?

Greeborising · 27/08/2019 03:45

Really won’t be asking you to look after my dying relatives Sherbert

Greeborising · 27/08/2019 03:47

I meant the team 24 hours obviously

Windygate · 27/08/2019 03:59

I know exactly what it is to be a family member caring for a severely disabled person with the assistance of paid carers.

Those carers are employees either directly or via an agency and as such have employment rights. Trying to provide 168 hours of care a week with three main and two part time staff is a tall order. Factor in holidays, sickness etc and it all collapses.

The grandmother had absolutely no right speaking to the OP the way she did. The mother should have contacted the agency to sort it out or if they are claiming direct payments they need a bigger team to call on and to manage holiday leave better.

Caring for a ill or disabled relative especially when it's terminal is hard, brutal and undervalued but that's never an excuse to take it out on a paid carer.

checkeredredshorts · 27/08/2019 03:59

I meant the team 24 hours obviously

It wasn't obvious. You said 'you'

The team as a whole need to have 24 hour coverage yes, but this should be planned properly with holidays, contracted hours and potential illness/staff personal emergencies all taken into account.

The OP has been treated very unfairly due to a lapse in planning. She should not be made to feel like she's no good at her job!

Shebertherbert · 27/08/2019 04:01

I wouldn't want to.

sarahg216 · 27/08/2019 06:14

I’d say yadnbu and you need to be careful that you don’t end up with more serious health problems yourself with the physical and emotional stress that this job is creating for you. Your employers have not done right by you and don’t seem to know how to manage a team of staff.
I think this is quite common in private set ups and that’s why I’m wary of these set ups and would go with an agency myself if I went back into homecare work.
Look after yourself OP and good luck finding a job where the staff rota is managed, you are allowed to work your contracted hours and you don’t get a tirade of abuse for a day off sick.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/08/2019 06:42

OP do not feel guilty..you have no reason to.If you are unwell you are in no position to care for anyone.You need time to get yourself right.The grandmothers outburst was outrageous and totally unneccessary.Non of this is your fault.Its bad planning by your bosses.I hope you feel much better soon.Take the time you need and I am really sorry you had to deal with this disrespect.

Carthage · 27/08/2019 06:59

Lots of us have been in the situation of having disabled/dying relatives. I have never thought it gave me the right to take the stress out on them. In fact the carers take as much of the strain off as possible and I've been really grateful to them.

You want just swanning off because something better came up, you were ill. Kidney stones are awful, and you've been trying to make up for colleagues taking off time together despite the inconvenience it's caused to you.

I'd luck for another job. Carers are usually in high demand. Hopefully that's true in your area?

Carthage · 27/08/2019 06:59

*You weren't just swanning off

FrancisCrawford · 27/08/2019 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guiltynetter · 27/08/2019 07:14

She was out of order, it's the most stressful thing in the world what they're dealing with but it doesn't give her the right to have a go at you.

they've made the mistake of letting the carers have time off all together. do the family employ their own members of staff?

really feel for you, and them.

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