To think this level of "we don't want to cause a fuss" is unreasonable

[Jelleefish]

DH rings his parents approx once a week. We've had a few days away so it's probably been about 10 days since he last rang.

FIL was rushed into hospital LAST TUESDAY for an emergency operation. No one rang to let us know. DH rang tonight to say hello and got the whole story. Thankfully he's fine and home.

We are their only family. They are late 70s and and MIL doesn't drive. They live about 100 miles from us. We've been home from our break a few days and basically been lazing around the house whilst the weather has been warm. If we'd known, we'd have been up there like a shot, dh is devastated that he has spent the last few days sat relaxing when he could have been visiting his dad and helping his mum out with lifts and shopping etc

They take not wanting to cause a fuss to whole new levels. They never ask us to visit them, suggest a day out or a visit as they don't want to put us out. Whenever we see them it's, oh why would you want to spend time with old farts like us. Thing is, when we're all together everyone seems to get along fine and we have a lovely time. But it is all driven by us. Dh, being brought up in this mindset doesn't think it's weird but I find it very odd indeed. Tonight I am raging with them.

I've spoken about this on here before and been told that it's a generational thing but really, is it normal to be so keen not to bother people that you wouldn't even tell your only child that his dad had been taken to hospital? Really?

I just need to offload on here as I've been so ranty IRL that I'm starting to overshadow concen for Fils health with my ire over the lack of communication which is upsetting dh further. Arrgghhh.

Yanbu butvmy in laws are the same. I phone them every couple of weeks and pointedly ask how they are, and make dh phone regularly too.

Did you not call them when you got home? I mean, my mum was practically gasping with relief that I’d managed to drive home from hers today without killing myself. I would call had I just returned from a holiday, unless I was jet lagged.

Why are you raging at them? Phones work anywhere in the country and even abroad, you know!

But it swings both ways doesn't it? Your DH hadn't called them for ten days.

Hope he's on the mend.

One way to solve the problem is by your DH phoning them more often

Well your DH should have phoned and asked how they were!

Maybe they just didn’t want you lot hanging around getting in the way?

My lovely granny used to slam the phone down when she thought she had talked too long and we had rung her...shouting “oh my word your phone bill” she also insisted on carrying dh bag for him when we arrived at her house to stay (her 88 terminally ill 6 stone him 26 enormous fit and in perfect health). Still miss her. Don’t be cross they mean well but your dh needs to get more assertive with them

OP I get it. DH’s parents ‘don’t like to make a fuss’ and ‘don’t want to put us out’. We love them very much and see them often, but it’s always at our instigation, not theirs. They had massively overbearing and demanding parents themselves and there was a large amount of obligation based socialising, and they are so desperate not to do this to us that they just never invite us to anything 😂🤦‍♀️😂 it’s gone a bit to the other extreme. We rang once to ask if we could pop in on the way home from a day out to drop something off for FIL. There was much commotion and shushing and then we were told ok. We turned up and the entire extended family of cousins and aunts and uncles were there for a BBQ, but we’d not been invited. When we asked why they said that they hadn’t wanted us to feel like we had to go as we surely had better things to do 🤷‍♀️ We’d only popped to a farm park for the day, it was certainly nothing we couldn’t have easily done another day. Illness and injury are minimised and treated as a sign of weakness.

When DH parents were alive I used to have to nag him to ring them which he did about once a week. Shame really as a five minute chat means so much to an elderly parent.

They perhaps don’t want to have to admit that they are getting older and struggling. And for that reason I don’t understand why your h wouldn’t call more regularly now they are in their late 70’s.

My parents are a lot like this. Their attitude is that there is no point in worrying us until it's absolutely certain that something terrible is happening. Consequently my mum, who is 75 and cares for my disabled dad, recently said absolutely nothing about the fact that she had a lump under her old mastectomy scars and went for various hospital appointments and minor surgery without ever feeling the need to mention this to me. Similarly, we only found out that my dad was ill and was going to have to go to A&E the other day because my sister just happened to be on the phone to my mum when he called out to my mum to announce he was in agony.

A few years ago I had a text to say 'Dad's had his operation today but they're going to keep him a couple of days'. At no point had they actually told me he was having an operation that day. When I pointed this out my mum said 'Well, it was on the calendar last time you were here'. OK, MUM, BUT WHEN I VISIT SOMEONE'S HOUSE I DON'T GENERALLY GO THROUGH EVERY PAGE OF THE FUCKING WALL CALENDAR IN THEIR KITCHEN MAKING A NOTE OF EVERY APPOINTMENT THEY'VE WRITTEN ON IT, FFS

We live at opposite ends of the country and I know they don't want to worry us when there's nothing they can do, but I would rather they told us. I have told my mum this a thousand times. She still ignores our pleas.

I don't see the issue. If they wanted your help then they would have called. I think you are overreacting.

Having this conversation rather after event in our house. FIL died in the spring and we now suspect PIL had been struggling for some time and refusing to admit it. DH dealing with the guilt this inevitably brings. I am quite cross as we had tried our best to be supportive and helpful. DH also now left with responsibility for looking after his Mother.

I understand the "why doesn't he call more often" comments. I think he should. However I still think they should have told him.

Honestly I feel that if they cba to maintain a relationship then neither can I. Which is why I don't call them myself.

I think dh always assumed that he'd be told if one of them was ill. If that's not going to be the case then it's going to have to be up to him to check in more often.

My parents don't tell us stuff, so as not to worry us. But they forget what they have and haven't told us, so accidentally mention things months later. Like, "Well, it's like the time DDad had a funny turn last year and we thought it was a stroke, so he had an MRI." Never having mentioned any of those events before.

@unicorncupcake is spot on for my DParents too. My grandparents were self-obsessed hypochondriacs. They expected care and attention as aged relatives from their retirement in their mid 50s and lived another 40 years, mostly in robust health. There was also a lot of obligatory socialising and the whole thing was exhausting for my parents. My parents are determined not to repeat this for us, but sometimes do go to the other extreme.

@Beamur that's exactly where we're headed I think.. MIL would be completely incapable of looking after herself. FIL does everything to do with life admin. Her motto is "oh no, daft old me can't do that".

Sending you and your dh an empathetic shoulder squeeze.

Of course they should have told you. But on the other hand, 10 days is a long time with no contact (from both sides) Maybe a little chat with them, suggesting a check in very few days, and making it their responsibility too.

The obligatory socialising thing makes sense, I wonder if that was the case for them? I don't think it was by the time that dh came along, he barely knows his relatives and I've never met any of them even after 20 years. They are very insular, they have no friends or social life of any sort. They seem to want to live in a bubble of just the two of them. Which is upsetting for dh and increasingly worrying as they get older.

*every

My FIL looked after our kids one day while MIL went in for removal of a breast lump and lymph nodes. I know they want to protect DH and his brothers but they're in their 40s, and we would of course have supported them.

They're immensely private though and all conversation with them is surface-level politeness. Bit sad really.

We don`t to worry our children, we know how busy you all are, so we quietly take care of our health issues without alarming you. Believe me OH has had a hell of a year backwards and forwards to hospital appointments but you are our children we protect you from worry even when you tower over us.

This ‘we didn’t want to worry you’ thing is my parents and PILs, and in my experience, how often you call makes no difference — we live in different countries, but Skype several times a week, and visit regularly — and have still found out accidentally or retrospectively about significant medical issues, diagnoses, surgeries etc.

I do think it’s generational to an extent, but there’s also a culture of secrecy about medical issues for people from my mother’s background in particular, also a bit of ‘don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark’ going on, and some incomprehension of our jobs, as though we would both be instantly fired if we had to take a day or two off to visit — whereas in fact our jobs, though demanding, are pretty flexible, as we’ve explained over and over.

We’ve had serious conversations about how we’d find it far easier if they actually told us what was happening, but nothing changes.

I love my adult children and because they work full time, long hours, I am reluctant to impose on them. It is not I can't be bothered but unless I couldn't cope with a situation, I prefer to handle it myself. Why were your parents in law being unreasonable? They would think 20O mile round trip, not necessary, so don't tell them yet.

If it's any consolation, my mother took my father into A&E with what turned out to be a heart attack at like 2am, taking great care not to wake up my sister who was staying in the spare room, instead she woke up to an empty house. Not worrying at all eh!

We’ve just gone through a pretty awful time with this sort of thing. Got a call from a family member’s partner to tell us to come up to the hospital to basically say our goodbyes. Got there and they told us that the family member had had a cancer diagnosis, very advanced so couldn’t be treated. They’d known for months that they were going to die but never told the family. We knew they’d been ill from looking at them but they kept saying it was nothing, just tired blah blah blah. We found out and then had to say goodbye and then he was dead, all in the space of a few hours.