To think this level of "we don't want to cause a fuss" is unreasonable

[Jelleefish]

DH rings his parents approx once a week. We've had a few days away so it's probably been about 10 days since he last rang.

FIL was rushed into hospital LAST TUESDAY for an emergency operation. No one rang to let us know. DH rang tonight to say hello and got the whole story. Thankfully he's fine and home.

We are their only family. They are late 70s and and MIL doesn't drive. They live about 100 miles from us. We've been home from our break a few days and basically been lazing around the house whilst the weather has been warm. If we'd known, we'd have been up there like a shot, dh is devastated that he has spent the last few days sat relaxing when he could have been visiting his dad and helping his mum out with lifts and shopping etc

They take not wanting to cause a fuss to whole new levels. They never ask us to visit them, suggest a day out or a visit as they don't want to put us out. Whenever we see them it's, oh why would you want to spend time with old farts like us. Thing is, when we're all together everyone seems to get along fine and we have a lovely time. But it is all driven by us. Dh, being brought up in this mindset doesn't think it's weird but I find it very odd indeed. Tonight I am raging with them.

I've spoken about this on here before and been told that it's a generational thing but really, is it normal to be so keen not to bother people that you wouldn't even tell your only child that his dad had been taken to hospital? Really?

I just need to offload on here as I've been so ranty IRL that I'm starting to overshadow concen for Fils health with my ire over the lack of communication which is upsetting dh further. Arrgghhh.

The thing is 0DimSumMum0 is that if they have capacity, then they have the right to make their own decisions about what they want. If we genuinely believe our parents don't have capacity then clearly we need to be taking on Power of Attorney, but in and of itself, them making decisions we don't agree with isn't sufficient to justify that.

If someone says they prefer a particular course of action, and they have capacity, then assuming that we know better than they do about what they actually want is really disempowering. Just because someone is elderly, doesn't mean we should override their stated preferences. And the flip side of that, is that if they are saying they want X, but really they want Y then, assuming they have capacity, the onus is on them to state what they actually want, it's not on us to try to intuit it.

There is no point in "raging" about this. They are not going to change at this stage of life, your DH needs to call them more often and check on them, that's all. He could have done that while you were away on holidays too.

Your inlaws seemed to manage the illness situation perfectly well - he got to hospital and had his operation, and got home again , so they are not falling to pieces yet.

I'm in their age group - and when I had surgery last year I didn't tell the ACs until I knew I was all right. Obviously your inlaws are the same . They may not do things the way you would, but we're all different .

Totally get this. They don't want to cause bother, make a fuss etc. To me it's martyrdom tbh. So British. Other cultures do not do this.

Your raging? And if they cba then neither can you? They aren't your parents! He wasn't well, they didn't want you both coming down, you were on holiday, they felt that they could manage it fine on their own, you didn't bother to call when you got back so you didn't know for 10 days, not really an issue was it. Maybe they find you a bit ott and judgemental, your take of they don't have any friends just sounds like they are happy together.

Some people deal with stuff by isolating. That's what I do. I recently had some scary pregnancy news and I basically avoided telling anyone. (Everything was ok in the end.) I didn't see my parents in law for a few weeks. I just don't like people fussing over me, at all. It makes me feel worse, not better.

That being said, your husband should call more often. My husband calls his every day, I am in touch with mine once a week or so, but we don't have a great relationship.

"Other cultures do not do this."

PLENTY of other cultures do this.

That being said, your husband should call more often.

I don't understand why adult parents don't call their children as well, though. I ring mine at the weekend and DH rings his. But they hardly ever call us! DH's parents are the worst at this - if we're away they'll send a passive-aggressive e-mail saying that they missed our call and hope everything's OK "but I expect you're really busy." It never occurs to them to ring their son.

They ring two of his siblings regularly so we know where we are in the pecking order...

amIcrazy

I mean, yeah, but at this stage, they're not likely to change. And we can't change other people, only ourselves. So if the OP/her husband want a different outcome, they need to act differently.

My mother never calls me either, I don't know why, but she doesn't. So what can I do? Moan about it, ignore it, or change how I act. Nothing else to be done.

Threehoursfromhome. You are so right.

While people are still able to make their own decisions then this should be respected.

My DM is very aware that some members of her family have taken it upon themselves to start treating her the same way as they treat their DC.

This attitude by some people is actually bordering on elder abuse.

Also plenty of people, however old, don't want anyone clucking and fussing round them just because they are a bit ill. If you'vve had your relevant medical treatment and been sent home to sleep it off, and you have enough food in, you might just want to be left in peace rather than have people scurrying around pestering you to have a sip of water or another rug over your lap.

I know, I just wanted to vent because it's so silly!

I agree that the OP's husband needs to ring and perhaps visit more often. I've started doing that now my parents are older and frailer and I find out a lot if I stay (on my own) for a few days.

Got a call from DM’s work a few weeks back. I’m her NoK.
She’d collapsed in agony and had been blue lighted to A&E.
Her lovely boss had phoned me, really worried for her, but told me to call and pretend I didn’t know as the only thing DM gasped over and over was, ‘Don’t tell Sleight, she’s got enough on her plate and I don’t want to be a worry.’

When I got to the hospital she was in twisting agony and about to have emergency surgery.
She sat bolt upright and ordered me not to tell my DSis ‘or she’ll make a fuss’.
She also refused to let me tell her friends or brothers because she didn’t ‘want anyone gossiping’.
I’m so glad it’s not just us. It does make life very difficult though.

sleight but I can understand it. I'm a really private person and I hate people knowing my business. I hate people seeing me as weak or vulnerable.

I'm not saying that's a good way to be, but many people are like that.

Well they probably don’t want their DC to snap and go NC with them. I would bet that a few too many emergencies would send most off the edge. Maybe they’re just looking out for their relationship with their children above their health. I do feel sorry for elderly parents it seems they can never do right...

Dad never rings me. Ever. He's been ill enough to be hospitalised and I've known about it after. It IS a generational thing. As much as I hate it, it is. He's over 80 and won't change so I just have to deal. He does love me, and want a relationship with me, and my kids. It's not about that.

They come from an era where many men were uncommunicative, and many women were considered secondary...to just about everything. Women were conditioned to not make a fuss, make room, not put anyone out, eat the burnt chop....etc.

As for my MIL, it's really up to my husband to drive that relationship. I don't expect him to call my dad, or to maintain that relationship. Thats my responsibility.

that's

I’ve been very firm in instigating a ‘we let someone know’ rule with my mother’s side of the family. It’s a ‘no matter what’ rule, including if there has been a falling out, on holidays, at work, etc.

You don’t need to broadcast it, but you do need to say if something medical is going on. Planned or otherwise.

My dad managed to live most of his 12 month terminal cancer diagnosis with NOBODY knowing. He invented a feasible excuse for his chemo hair loss, and just toughed out the rest. I got a call from a mate of mine who was looking after his dad during a similar diagnosis. Turns out they had the same oncologist, and my mate caught site of my Dad in the waiting room. He was LIVID when I told him I knew, and was intending to tell my siblings. He still forced us to keep it secret from his friends, all his employees and everyone in our lives.

It made helping him (and he needed loads of help near the end) very difficult. And inefficient and expensive and unnecessarily traumatic. Let alone when he died, and we had to call everyone. A double shock to them, that he hadn’t told them and was now dead. Some of them yelled at us, and said some unforgivable things. We were left with a mess of an estate to administer, thanks to his ‘privacy’ and ‘secrecy’ policies. You can’t really sort out your affairs without admitting why you need to.

I’m adding this, to show the logical (though extreme) extension to what some people on this thread are experiencing. There’s no way my dad’s policies lead to ‘less fuss’ for us. Far far more. Information is always power.

More lightheartedly, his mother (at 93) drew a huge letter ‘S’ on her cream home telephone, in black marker. To remind herself to ‘Shush’ and stop bothering us by rattling on. Except we loved talking to her, and never thought she was intruding when she rang! She’d just suddenly cut the call short, and you’d know she’d caught sight of the ‘S’!!!

I turned up at my parents' house one morning to find my dad with a nasty gash on his forehead that needed stitches. He'd fallen the night before but mum didn't phone me - he had dementia and she didn't drive so I assume they were both going to sit there until I turned up. I was very angry and told her she must ring me whatever the time if something like that happened, never mind 'I didn't like to bother you'.

Ironically, after he died and she had dementia, she'd phone me all hours of the day and night, repeatedly.

DH only speaks to his mum (3 hours away) once a week but his sister lives near her so lets us know anything we need to.

My dad is like this so I call him every day and Male sure I make plans to visit as often as possible. My parents were of the generation that really struggled to balance children, working and, ageing parents. I think my father just doesn’t want to be a burden as a result of his own experiences. It just means that I need to be more conscientious about making sure he has regular opportunities to tell me what is going on in his life.

Re not phoning children. You are busy, tired, stressed. Set up a what's app group we are happy to keep in touch that way because it does not eat into your time at the wrong moment

Jelleefish
Your situation sounds very similar to ours. PIL were very insular and independent. DH worried a lot but accepted my point that his parents were entitled to live in the way they chose to, but it was highly likely that they would do so until disaster or catastrophe meant they couldn't.
Sadly I have been proven right. I do wonder if we could have intervened more, but we did try several times (very tactfully) and were rebuffed. With hindsight, it's probably a good outcome for FIL, as he lived at home until he died more or less. MIL not having such a good time now though, she's frail and has dementia and is struggling with her life being turned upside down. I do feel that this could have been better managed if they'd been more forthcoming. But we would have ended up in the same place.