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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this level of "we don't want to cause a fuss" is unreasonable

71 replies

Jelleefish · 26/08/2019 21:21

DH rings his parents approx once a week. We've had a few days away so it's probably been about 10 days since he last rang.

FIL was rushed into hospital LAST TUESDAY for an emergency operation. No one rang to let us know. DH rang tonight to say hello and got the whole story. Thankfully he's fine and home.

We are their only family. They are late 70s and and MIL doesn't drive. They live about 100 miles from us. We've been home from our break a few days and basically been lazing around the house whilst the weather has been warm. If we'd known, we'd have been up there like a shot, dh is devastated that he has spent the last few days sat relaxing when he could have been visiting his dad and helping his mum out with lifts and shopping etc

They take not wanting to cause a fuss to whole new levels. They never ask us to visit them, suggest a day out or a visit as they don't want to put us out. Whenever we see them it's, oh why would you want to spend time with old farts like us. Thing is, when we're all together everyone seems to get along fine and we have a lovely time. But it is all driven by us. Dh, being brought up in this mindset doesn't think it's weird but I find it very odd indeed. Tonight I am raging with them.

I've spoken about this on here before and been told that it's a generational thing but really, is it normal to be so keen not to bother people that you wouldn't even tell your only child that his dad had been taken to hospital? Really?

I just need to offload on here as I've been so ranty IRL that I'm starting to overshadow concen for Fils health with my ire over the lack of communication which is upsetting dh further. Arrgghhh.

OP posts:

augustusglupe · 26/08/2019 22:47

We’re not old, late 50s, but we won’t bother our daughter with anything unless literally life or death. She works in London, few hours away from us, rings everyday, but we never bother her, I don’t like to, even though we’re close. She’s our only child and I don’t want her bothered by stuff that doesn’t matter. My parents were the same as us.
My MIL on the other hand was a narc who used to myther DH to death with every ailment or minor daily occurrence she had and ring and ring til she got a reply. So he got to the stage where he’d avoid going to see her.
Mind you she died 15 years ago and I’m so laid back I didn’t actually tell DD til later that day, as she was out playing and I didn’t want to upset her...so maybe I’m laid back to a fault in that way

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/08/2019 22:49

My grandmother was like that. Didn’t want to make a fuss. Even when a surgical wound reopened and became infected and she tried to dress it herself. It was a mess when we found out and she must have been in awful pain, but hid it from us. That made an interesting end to Christmas Day, when everyone had been drinking and nobody was able to drive to the hospital, and it was rather tricky getting a cab at night in our remote community if not pre-booked. She got the hump with me when I made her go to A&E. Fortunately the nurse talked some sense into her!

HappyGirl86 · 26/08/2019 22:55

When my nana was 50 (so almost 40 years ago) she went on a coach trip down to Cornwall with my grandad and their friends.
While they were there she unfortunately had quite a big stroke and was admitted into hospital.
Nobody got in touch with my mum or my aunt to let them know.
On the day the coach trip was due to return my mum was waiting at the bus stop to collect them when their friends got off and told them my grandparents wouldn't be coming back as my nana was in hospital in Cornwall.
My mum couldn't believe it! Yes this was in the days before mobile phones but you'd think they would have phoned from the hotel or hospital. My mum felt awful that her mum could have died and she had no idea she was unwell.
They just didn't think anything of it! I do think it's a generation thing definitely!

augustusglupe · 26/08/2019 23:00

Lulualla I’m so sorry. As I’ve just posted, I’m very much one for keeping things back. All my side of the family are.
My DB had throat cancer, we thought he was cured and I had a phone call 2 days before Christmas nearly 7 years ago to say it was back and he was dying. We made the 3 hour journey to see him but he was unable to communicate by that time. He’d apparently carried on working til he was rushed to hospital and he hadn’t wanted any of us to know that he was ill again. We got it, but it was hard to deal with at the time.

Franklyyes · 26/08/2019 23:00

I was woken up at 4am Boxing Day accidentally by DM who was fumbling with her mobile and panicking. DSDad was taken to hospital xmas day evening (didn’t ring me) and eventually admitted early hours. DM had to find her own way home - late 70s and doesn’t drive - 45 min drive away. She rings neighbour. Then accidentally rings me - I live 10 mins from hospital.... didn’t want to bother me, but she was v distressed. Got there straight away.
We have had conversations about it since and they have said they will ring regardless of where I am or what time it is. Love them dearly, but was so frustrated that they didn’t want to ring me.

KeepStill · 26/08/2019 23:01

But maybe she’d prefer to know, @augustusglupe. Then she can make a call on whether it’s ‘life or death’ as far as she’s concerned? I certainly find my parents’ — who genuinely believe they are sparing me worry — attitude very difficult. It means I’m continually worrying about what I’m not being told.

TenPastEleven · 26/08/2019 23:03

My MIL is like this. Never wants to be a bother to anyone ever. She had a fall and broke her wrist badly a few years ago and was admitted for about 3 days, not long enough that I'd necessarily notice (she has a social life and isn't always in). Told me once she was home.
When she comes to stay (at my encouragement) she apologises continually for 'causing me all the extra work' (literally an extra plate in the dishwasher and the occasional cup of tea is all the impact she has and the children love her), and brings her own towels 'not to add to my housework'.
Its absolutely bloody maddening. I wish she would just LET ME CARE.

Lulualla · 26/08/2019 23:04

I just don't understand it. My mum rings me if she's popping out to the shops "just incase you or the boys come round looking for me". If she were ill, I would be getting updates on every tiny thing that happened!
It would probably be annoying but I would prefer it to what happened with extended family who never say a word.

Original poster

Jelleefish · 26/08/2019 23:09

Agreed @keepstill
Dh, as an adult, can decide what to do based on the information given. If he can get there and help then that's what he wants to do. I also agree that the worry now will be over what we're not being told. A bit of communication isn't too much to ask.

OP posts:

AllFourOfThem · 26/08/2019 23:14

I don’t think they will change and as you know this is how they are, I think you have to accept it.

They probably thought your DH would drop everything and it would spoil your holiday if they called and that’s why you didn’t hear anything. They thought they were being kind and considerate.

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2019 23:15

YADNBU. I would have a serious talk about how it is actually far more distressing and more 'bother' to not be told.

Siddalee · 26/08/2019 23:22

I do think its a generational thing. My mum is 80 and a few weeks ago rang me at 9am, very apologetic to ask me to go round and help her clean a mess up that she'd made when she'd fallen. She's very stubborn independent and NEVER asks for help. so I knew something was wrong.
When I got there, she'd lost consciousness at around 10pm the night before and banged her head as she fell. Because she's on blood thinners she had bled profusely- so much so that it soaked through the floor boards and into the cellar.
When she came round about 4am, she dragged herself upstairs and into the shower and then waited till 9am to ring me as she though if she rang me any earlier I'd panic!! She wanted help cleaning up- I got her straight in the car to A&E where she was admitted for four days.
We've had very serious words about it!

stucknoue · 26/08/2019 23:28

I find out stuffby accident usually, dad will let on if mum is unwell if it gets to the level of hospitalisation, mum only lets on after the all clear that she's had anything wrong and was cross for weeks that he told me she had a 6 hour op before it started. Dad thankfully has never been to hospital except for the tinnitus clinic ... since he was born (apart from visiting) touching wood.

Palaver1 · 26/08/2019 23:32

I’m not even sure how much a generational thing it is .
I’m thinking now how much I would want to tell my children if there was an emergency so to say.
I think a parent mostly always see there children as children no matter the age,you don’t want to upset your child and therefore don’t give certain information.regardless of the age I’m heading 54 my mum still treats me like a 12 year old at times an example is moving close and wiping the side of my mouth that sort of crap.
She’s always say things like I know how busy you are so didn’t want to bother you,bless.

DappledThings · 26/08/2019 23:33

Do people really think once a week is not very often to call.your parents? DH calls about that often which I think is quite a lot. I get on really well with mine but about once every 3 weeks is about how often I call. Mum texted me yesterday about the cricket and we had a short conversation about that over 4 or 5 texts.

I wouldn't have anything to talk about if I called every week.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/08/2019 23:34

You kind of have to let people like this get on with it. It's not a matter of you being right and them being wrong, or the other way round - they are just different from you. And people have a right to their privacy, autonomy and independence.

TSSDNCOP · 26/08/2019 23:38

I’m 50. If I didn’t need to, I wouldn’t tell people where I was. I’m not alone, I have several friends that’ve been admitted and not told DC.

SockQueen · 26/08/2019 23:38

My parents do this and I am a doctor!

It's been a bit of a torrid year healthwise for them - Dad had a heart attack and needed an emergency bypass operation as they couldn't stent him. I was kept reasonably well-informed about all that. What they didn't tell me was that mum had also started getting chest pains and breathlessness but didn't want to bother anyone while we were so worried about dad. I only found out when I was visiting and saw an appointment letter for an angiogram on the fridge!

I have also been pregnant and had DS2 3 months ago, and they couldn't have been more supportive and helpful (though dad did have to tell mum to stop texting during my induction and just let me get on with it!) so I don't know why they think I wouldn't want to do the same for them.

ispepsiokay · 26/08/2019 23:41

My MIL is like this, but it's definitely more about punishment from her. She was admitted with breathing difficulties recently but didn't tell DH until after she was discharged home, there's an undercurrent of anger that we dared to move away connected to it rather than a genuine desire to not cause worry.

Watchingthyme · 26/08/2019 23:49

@Siddalee
This is my dad all over. I can’t work out if it’s deliberate or not.

KeepStill · 26/08/2019 23:54

But that’s fine @TSSDNCOP. You want to do it that way because you prefer it, and I respect that. The issue with my parents is that they genuinely believe that they’re sparing me and are doing it on my account, despite the fact that I have clearly communicated that their belief is entirely false. They are making my life much worse than need be by their behaviour, which is supposed by them to be considerate.

AngelsOnHigh · 27/08/2019 00:30

I had a phone call from my DM several years ago. She seemed a bit out of sorts and then she said

I have to go now dear, the ambulance is here.

Ummm DM why is the ambulance there. Turns out she had a massive gall attack and spent the next 2 weeks in hospital after having several operations.

But, you know, I was extremely proud of her. Yes, I was worried and made the 4 hour trip to the hospital, stayed a few days and arranged for a friend who lived nearby to visit her daily and take her clothes home to wash etc.
About 10 years ago, I had a breast cancer scare. Went through biopsies, etc. etc. over a period of time.

To this day my two DC know nothing about it. It's not that I didn't want to bother them but it wasn't their place to know. If the outcome had been serious I would have told them but our DC don't have to be told everything that goes on in our lives.

Threehoursfromhome · 27/08/2019 00:40

Yes, it's difficult. My mum's like this. She wasn't planning on phoning me to tell me my Dad had been taken into hospital, she was going to write to me instead. Fortunately, my sister texted and I was able to go and see him, otherwise I think the first I would have know about it was when I received the letter, a day or two after he died.

0DimSumMum0 · 27/08/2019 00:42

Are you sure they don't actually mean the opposite? I know it sounds strange but my mum will always say things like this but in reality she really wants to hear from us and see us, she just doesn't want to feel needy or be a burden.

CSIblonde · 27/08/2019 01:09

If they are happy with you instigating social things, realistically, at their age, they aren't going to change. I think a more frequent (but not lengthy) checking in to see how they are would be an idea as they are quite elderly, plus a chat about wanting to know any medical or other events they may need support with. Sometimes you need to spell it out that stuffs OK with passive or unassertive people. They obv didn't want to ruin your holiday as it wasn't life ending.

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