To say that the worst possible thing to say to an arachnophobe is that spiders won't hurt them

[thepeopleversuswork]

It's that time of year again and the spider horror stories are on the boards. I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof and my spider OCD is in full effect.

Just noted that as ever the usual response of people blessed not to be scared of spiders is to helpfully inform the afflicted that spiders can't hurt you. Way to miss the point...

Spiderphiles: we all know that spiders can't hurt us. For those of us who are scared of the little bastards this will not be a new thought. It will have been drummed into you by your parents/well meaning friends for decades. It doesn't help at all to know that when your heart rate is through the roof and you can't sleep in your own bed that its alright because you're not going to die of a deadly spider bite. It's a bit like telling someone who has just lost their job to think positive. Well, maybe not, but you get the point.

Glad I got that off my chest. As you were :)

I saw something on Facebook once. Spiders apparently crawl on your pillow at night and rub their willies on your face.

That's comforting. It's entirely hilarious and not at all trivializing of my very real phobia. Thanks for tagging me in that, Aunty.

'spider OCD' ????

Well I don't think it's the worst possible thing to say but it is definitely not helpful!

If the 8-legged freaky fuckers really were more scared if me than I am of them they'd stop coming into my home.. so that's crap too.

And yes... I did say I am a full-on arachnaphobe. I have tried EVERYTHING and your Uber simplistic suggestions to hold my breath, look elsewhere, just ignore it it think how it must be feeling have no effect on a full blown phobia!

@IAskTooManyQuestions
Yes, OCD is a pretty fair description of the constant scanning of their environment most arachnaphobes do repeatedly. It can be exhausting.

I could think of a million worse things to say to an arachnophobe than that!

I don’t mind spiders. Moths on the other hand flappy little fuckers terrify me, no matter how harmless they are. Yanbu.

YANBU - I have terrible arachnaphobia. Full on panic mode when I see one and the though of 'getting a glass and scooping it up' makes my blood run cold.

The logical part of my brain knows they won't hurt me but quite honestly, that's so far from being the point it's untrue!

Thankfully, my husband and family are very understanding. As are my neighbours who have been calls upon occasionally!

I think a worse thing would be to say " ohh, hold still" or "what's that on your shoulder?". Calling yourself an arachnaphobe doesn't let you off the hook for having to learn to manage your fears yourself. Don't expect others to do this for you.

How is it the worst thing you can say?!

Surely the worst thing is 'here, hold this spider'?

I know I'm away to get told off but I feel it was worth it.

My FIL got sepsis from a spider bite in this country. End up on HDU for four days, his hands still not right and it was 6 years ago. They definitely can hurt you!

Yabu to talk about ‘spider ocd’.
It’s a real, debilitating illness.

I’m not bothered at all by them. There are worse things out there than tiny spiders.

Saying 'it can't hurt you' assumes that a phobia is a rational fear. Phobias are not rational fears in the slightest. I have a phobia of spiders too so I completely get it. And I try very hard not to teach my DS to have the same phobia. But saying, oh it's more scared of you, or, it won't hurt you, simply doesn't help when you're completely irrationally paralysed by fear. You can't just think your way past a phobia. It takes time and work and effort to get past it, and some people never get there. Assuming that it's possible to just get over it just trivialises people's fears.

ive been bitten before and got a nasty wound that didn't heal for 6 months.
They can hurt you like Mts Goggins said.

I find it helpful (mind you my phobia has always been moderate). I’ve actually found that after living in Britain for a while where the spiders genuinely can’t hurt me I’m probably not phobic anymore, just very scared.

I agree! My fear is not even slightly based on wether they will hurt me or not!

I’ve seen it from both sides. Used to be terrified but did the friendly spider course and they don’t much bother me now- I can do the cup and card manoeuvre.
For years I was made to feel really silly by lots of people - yet I would be almost vomiting with fear. Heart pounding utter terror.
It’s a phobia, rational logic has no impact at all.

I'm not scared the spider is going to hurt me, so telling me that is pointless. I know.

I'm scared it's going to crawl over me or - worse - get tangled in my hair. Or that im going to step on it or walk through its web and it comes swinging at my face, or it's going to fall from the ceiling onto me or im going to be trapped in the bathroom as it stands at the door and I cant get past.

I cannot explain WHY those thoughts fill me with such terror but they do.

And yes, I scan every room for insects before I walk into it. People tell me I have 'the best eyes they know' - but I don't, I just look!

Yup. I've studied zoology, i know in detail what they can and can't do. It's absolutely nothing to do with whether i will get hurt, its an involuntary reaction. And it does take over your life at this time if year, i'm acting like an obsessed basket case.

Hoovered up three big ones this morning, one last night

To clarify, I don't mean to belittle or trivialise OCD, I realise its a serious and debilitating illness.

But people with severe arachnophobia do develop some OCD-like traits when they have recently encountered a large spider or perceive a risk of seeing one.

I found one on a sheet on a drying rack the other day and for the succeeding four or five nights have had obsessively to shake out all bedclothes three or four times before getting into bed. I'm not usually like this -- its something specifically linked to spider season.

I do recognise that as an adult I have to deal with this on my own and can do so with the help of the hoover etc. But that doesn't change the fact that for hours after seeing a large spider my body goes into full "fight or flight" mode, can hear my heart beating for hours, can't sleep, have to repeat actions three or four times etc.

As someone else pointed out upthread telling someone in this state to apply their rational brain to this problem is totally futile.

Surely the worst thing to say would be to point out that actually some British spiders can hurt you and point you in the direction of the false widow spider and its nasty bites?

No, YABU. I think that telling us that spiders can hurt us would be worse actually.

The worst thing to tell me personally would be that spiders had learnt to fly.

Spider bites really hurt and can stay as wounds for ages and easily get infected. I once woke up with a spider on my face.

^^ are those the worst things?

Despite both of those I still like spiders and find them fascinating.

Surely... The spider is sooo gna get you, its going to crawl all over you at night, and get all of its friends and family to join in, then perhaps lay its eggs in your ear and you will have baby spiders live inside of you.... Is much worse than "it won't hurt you"?! 🤔