To say that the worst possible thing to say to an arachnophobe is that spiders won't hurt them

[thepeopleversuswork]

It's that time of year again and the spider horror stories are on the boards. I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof and my spider OCD is in full effect.

Just noted that as ever the usual response of people blessed not to be scared of spiders is to helpfully inform the afflicted that spiders can't hurt you. Way to miss the point...

Spiderphiles: we all know that spiders can't hurt us. For those of us who are scared of the little bastards this will not be a new thought. It will have been drummed into you by your parents/well meaning friends for decades. It doesn't help at all to know that when your heart rate is through the roof and you can't sleep in your own bed that its alright because you're not going to die of a deadly spider bite. It's a bit like telling someone who has just lost their job to think positive. Well, maybe not, but you get the point.

Glad I got that off my chest. As you were :)

I've studied zoology, i know in detail what they can and can't do. ...i'm acting like an obsessed basket case

Oh fuck, bang goes that theory then.

Actually, I suppose the original statement you proposed would be worse. Forwarded is forearmed and all that, at least my statement is useful.

Spray peppermint oil around doors/windows skirtings.
Also conkers are good.and citrus peel.
You can buy the oil from Home bargains.

RedCowboyBoots tbh I don't think it actually makes much difference whether the spider is harmful or not. The phobia is much more primal than whether or not the spider is going to bite you.

There's just something about them, they seem totally primeval to me and like they've come from an alien universe and are adapted to succeeding where all other species have failed.

In a way I'm kind of in awe of them and I respect the role they play in the ecosystem etc. Doesn't stop them from scaring the bejeezus out of me though...

KUGA tried all of the above. Plus spider repellant and subsonic bleep emitting devices. None of it worked for me.

@Mrsgogginsthe3rd -spiders only bite as a last resort. If they are trapped and feel threatened. You can hardly blame the spider.

If your “phobia” is that debilitating then what have you done to overcome it?

To an extent I am sympathetic to people who have irrational fears and phobias, but if you don’t make the effort to attempt to overcome them then it’s not reasonable to expect others to take them into account for you.

Reality is that spiders are everywhere. They are a vital part of our eco system and help to keep bugs down. I don’t particularly like them, and I think that e.g. throwing one at someone with a phobia would be unreasonable and cruel, however talking about spiders, not wanting to come round to next door to pick them up for the phobic neighbour, and not wanting to keep away from any kind of spider terminology is unreasonable. In that regard it is up to you to deal with the issues which arise from your phobia.

I'm not keen on spiders indoors, but fine with them outdoors. Not sure what that's about.

Like others, I can also think of many many things that would be way worse to say!

I got bitten by a spider (in the UK - it was in my gardening glove) and it bloody hurt and took a long time to heal up. So they can hurt you.

On the other hand, they are pretty good at tidying up flies, which is good.

those who truly have a fear of spiders, it must be awful

But the competitive, hysterical, girlish giggling on MN about killing spiders and the constant posts of “burn the house down and move right away!!!” is just boring now

@thepeopleversuswork

As long as you don't go around killing them then there is no issue other than yours.

Spiders do a great job in making sure insects that spread disease are kept on check. That, Along with the fact that without spiders the insect population would increase dramatically and crops would be destroyed.

I think if anyone trivialises these things it's the MNetters who have a fear of spiders.

"BURN THE HOUSE DOWN NOW!!" - Tee hee hee!

"RING YOUR DH AND TELL HIM TO COME HOME NOW!!" - Tee hee hee!

"POUR PETROL ON EVERYTHING AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!" - Tee hee hee!

The threads are endless throughout the end of Summer/Autumn and yet very few people ever say they've attempted to do anything about their fear.

I also suspect a lot of people get the words 'fear' and 'phobia' mixed up.

🕷

I'm more likely to tell "arachnophobes" to grow the fuck up tbh.

@nocause

Thanks for the 'phobia'. It's attitudes like that that make it worse for arachnaphobes. As for what have I / we done, personally I have taken 2 desensitisation courses; taken courses to understand spiders, recognise types, know their behaviour; taken a hypnotherapy course; been to the best course in the UK, at Bristol zoo; tried flooding myself, handled numerous large spiders, tried house spiders; talked to them, sung them lullabies, given them names; told myself to snap out of it etc etc etc.

Still have that fight or flight reaction whenever I see one; still scan every room before I enter it and continue to scan until I get a thumping headache. Tried peppermint oil, conkers and any number of other useless but oft touted fixes and cures.

When I said EVERYTHING I really did mean it, most real arachnaphobes try a similarly long list.

And still some won't believe our 'phobia' is real. Have a think about how that feels...

CuriousaboutSamphire I think rather than getting annoyed with nocause, you should be directing your annoyance towards all the giggly posters who over exaggerate the size of the spiders in their homes and who think it's absolutely hilarious, while describing their "phobias".

They're the people who trivialise real arachnophobia.

One of my favourite things about my partner is that he takes my spider fear really seriously. He takes the piss out of me day to day but when I ask him to check the bed for spiders he really solemnly and thoroughly looks through the bed, inside all the pillowcases and down the sides and doesn’t make fun at all. I’ve had a lifetime of parents, friends and partners making light of it and it actually means a lot!

@Whatafackinliberty has illustrated a much more obnoxious thing you can say. Well done.

I also like it when people helpfully suggest you “simply get a glass and some card and take the offending spider outside”.

To the PP who asked arachnophobes to “deal with” their fear, I would love to but am terrified to try as I know the therapy or treatment will invariably involve looking at or handling spiders and I cannot cope with that.

DS is completely arachnophobic, as is my DB. I rather admire spiders, and certainly am not phobic about them. I will put them out of the house if I find them.

I am, however, phobic about birds, especially when they find their way into the house. I can cope with bats, mice all sorts, but if a bird gets in I am a useless jelly. So I do understand that trying to rationalise people out of their phobias is a complete waste of time.

I do think that there are ways of conquering phobias, and I do want to encourage my DS to do this, as it can be very debilitating.

I suffered with arachnophobia for years until I did the Friendly Spider Programme at London zoo. Going about my life afraid I might see a spider was extremely debilitating and when I did cross paths the embarrassment for the inevitable hysteria was as bad.
However, telling someone that spiders won't hurt them is only trying to reinforce what they already know. They are trying to reassure. Would it be better to scream with them and agree it's terrifying, ugly, etc?When I see a monster spider now I can co-exist with my mantra "spiders are safe" "spiders are safe" etc. I know that, the spider knows that, it's my subconscious mind I'm reinforcing it to.

The most stupid thing you could have said to me is "run, it's huge and will jump in your face and get caught in your hair". That would have been a stupid thing to say.

Yes, most insects will only bite if cornered. Even snakes, although I believe that adders are lazy enough and will stay where they are until you’re virtually on top of them hence why they might bite. But as a rule these things are far more afraid of you than you are of them.

We had a cobra in our garden when I lived abroad. Someone had seen it slide under the gate, and honestly the reaction from other people was hysterical, saying that now they knew there was a snake in the area they weren’t going to let their children out to play any more. As if there weren’t already snakes in the area..... it’s just that they’d stayed out of the way previously.

Now I respect snakes and I had absolutely no intention of going looking for this one, however it’s not logical to change a lifestyle because of this kind of thing, and certainly shouldn’t be pandered to.

Words, I cross posted with that and completely agree. Those posts piss me off no end. But I still really object to the dismissiveness of 'phobia'. If I could get rid of it I would. Bit the best I have ever managed is to hold still and think through my next steps, rather than freezing, screaming, running (occasionally into closed doors, through DH, tripping over the dog).

It isn't a trivial thing to live with. I can rarely laugh at it because it is bloody exhausting...

The majority of people who are “scared of spiders” don’t have a full blown phobia. A phobia like the OP is describing where it significantly impacts your daily life, the fear of potentially encountering what you’re afraid of, constantly being on edge, is very different from most people who might shudder or scream at a spider but can then deal with it rationally. Phobias don’t respond to rational thought! I think spiders are such a common fear that it does minimise it and mean those with an actual phobia aren’t taken as seriously.

Words? Sorry that was responding to Worra bloody autocorrect.