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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cringe when I hear 'Do you fancy going up for a cuddle?'

86 replies

SillySallySue · 25/08/2019 22:46

Just this really. My DH is ALWAYS pestering me for sex. Don't get me wrong, I like sex fairly frequently but he's so persistent when HE wants it, it actually puts me off, which annoys me in itself as I like sex. The worst part is when he says stuff like "Do you fancy a cuddle?" - There's no cuddling involved and what he actually means is "I want sex now".

Our 7 month old DS is teething, so naturally bless him, he's a bit pissed off with the world. We ended up finally getting tea at 10 and after I'd finished I let out a sigh and said "Man I'm beat" - he gave it 5 minutes before he came over and started groping me!

I quickly tried to make chit chat - so obviously I almost started cringing at myself lol - hoping he'd get the hint! He replied "Mmm" to what I said and then delivered the cringey "cuddle line"

I find it so un attractive! I don't know what I find more unattractive - him being so oblivious to the fact that I'm not up for it right now or his lack of... I don't know.

OP posts:
iamkahleesi · 26/08/2019 10:05

This thread is such a relief, I thought it was just me. I like sex but just don't want it for all the reasons you've all described above. The cringey ways of initiation, the lack of intimacy, just going straight for the kill, no wooing. It's so off putting and has killed any desire I had. My dh just doesn't get it despite telling him numerous times. He gets frustrated with me for never wanting sex. I tell him that maybe if he kissed me occasionally I'd be more up for it. It makes me sad.

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 10:10

Frank and open? I have been, many times. Told hum, written it to him, sent articles, even showed him. And he does it well, once or twice. Then back to "fast and horny". So i have given up. We have sex about once a week. Sceduled, because of kids. I do it for him. I do get aroused, about midway, but it leaves me lonely.

BlueSuffragette · 26/08/2019 10:15

Sorry OP. He sounds selfish. Be honest and tell him his approach just turns you off.

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 10:53

This thread made me think.. could it be, that they are not "present" so they dont grasp the cringe?
I think my dh is on auto pilot, "i do this, i do this and i do this and then go for the kill" totally unaware if his "tricks" are working. Same with "the cuddle". Mostly i laugh it off with a comment of kids and no privacy.
It is hard to have to talk with him again about it, as he is so difficult to talk with. Argh.

Thehop · 26/08/2019 10:59

“If I thought you were offering a cuddle that would be quite nice, but you wanting to use me as a sex doll has dried me right up.”

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 12:52

He is selfish and manipulative. He has no desire to change or please you, so he shuts down conversation by being 'hurt' and playing the victim.

He does not want to discuss it because it's his way or the highway so he gaslights you and makes it your fault with 'you're just too hot' etc.

He CBA'd with real sex, he wants porn sex.

Over time, this can lead to divorce. Honestly, I'd see a counsellor on my own to figure out how to work this because you are right, nothing changes because he doesn't want it.

For now you need to develop a thick hide. 'I do not want to be groped!' 'But you're so hot, I can't control myself.' 'You're a grown up! Of course you can control yourself! Don't be ridiculous.' And what Thehop said in response to the 'cuddle' line. If he sulks or gets all hurt you need to learn to let that roll off you like water on a duck's back for the immature, manipulative bullshit it is.

He is not interested in whether his crap foreplay works because to him, it doesn't matter, all that matters is what he wants, which is to use you as a wank sock.

Does he use porn?

Spinderellacutituponetime · 26/08/2019 16:25

Oh! Sorry! I’m sure you said you couldn’t discuss it with him in an earlier post...I was just reacting to that. But you have and it hasn’t worked? I’m confused. Anyway. Sounds shit. I wouldn’t put up with it but maybe the scheduling is also the problem? That would really turn me off...

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 17:03

The scedule suck. But i sleep with one really bad sleeping child and we have teenagers, who go to bed same time as us. (At 10)
The things you said about gaslighting, i must think about..
How would you approach a conversation? I have tried in the past, but not for a year or so. I want him to know what foreplay is for me. Foreplay is not oral sex. For me it is tender, kissing, stroking, eye contact.
But even if i have spelled it out, he remembers a few times, then back to being fast. And as i know this is the sex he likes, i could not enjoy my way of sex, with him, knowing he must be bored. Thank you for this thread. It has somewhat opened my eyes.

mbosnz · 26/08/2019 17:07

Have you ladies who have been physically assaulted by your partners ever thought about returning the 'compliment'? You know, as they go past, grab their scrotum and give it a bloody good hard tweak?

What's good for the goose, after all. . .

Just wonder how turned on they'd be by that?

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 17:08

And no porn. He never use his phone for anything other than texting and taking pic, i use it daily and have Access to anything. I am also doing finanses, he has no clue what we use money for. He has a work lap top, frequently forgotten at home, i have also axcess to that. He is never on facebook etc, spend all his time not at work, at home. (Working)

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 17:10

Oh he loves a bit of groping. His dick is always always ready for groping.

mbosnz · 26/08/2019 17:11

Oh he loves a bit of groping. His dick is always always ready for groping.

Then you're not doing it hard enough!! Grin

I'm thinking more the balls.

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2019 17:12

@madcatladyforever

😂

Happygilmorelove · 26/08/2019 17:29

It sounds like you two have a problem with communication, that's your main problem! Tell him how you feel and what he can do better best time

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 18:32

He doesnt grope me hard. Just clumsy and very easily turned on. Always ready.
Im not. And need the wooing Grin

Itstheprinciple · 26/08/2019 18:56

I wonder if it gets better when children get older and fly the nest? Sometimes it seems like any time DD is out, it is shagging time and it makes it feel like an obligation. If we could take our time and be spontaneous that would be better.

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 19:07

Excately!!! Im dreading our day alone tomorrow, because i know he will be like a dog in heat.. and i might as well get it over with, have no clue when we are alone next time. But, so true, it is totally lacking, the no spontaiously.
He is very good in so many other aspects. Communication. Not so much.

Original poster
SillySallySue · 26/08/2019 23:25

@timshelthechoice Sorry for the late reply. He doesn't use porn - I kind of almost wish that he did because at least then he'd have some kind of distraction! He NEVER masturbates - which I find slightly unusual. That kind of annoys me too in a way. It's almost like he sees me as being solely responsible for meeting his needs!

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySallySue · 26/08/2019 23:29

I think what else bothers me - and I'm trying to word it right so I don't sound all first world problems here but shortly afterwards when he's finished he'll be really nice to me. He'll say stuff like "I really love you" or "I know I don't tell you enough" or "I know I can be a bit of a dick" Sometimes I feel like saying Angry "Well if you know this enough to keep repeating it to me then why aren't you doing something about it!"

It's like tonight. He knows sex isn't on the cards for him tonight so he went to bed early! It's almost like "Ah well nothing to stay up for I'll just go to bed" Sad Leaving me with all the tidying up to do!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySallySue · 26/08/2019 23:31

@Sofasurfer101 Yeah I've had to use the privacy and kids thing which is cringey in itself isn't it? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySallySue · 26/08/2019 23:33

@Thuglife Oh my, literally grimacing at that!

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySallySue · 26/08/2019 23:38

@Spinderellacutituponetime No, that's not the issue. I started worrying for a while that it might be the issue... that I'd just "broken" in that way. Until I was watching a film a few weeks ago and this man was making a raunchy suggestion to this woman and I remember thinking "I totally would". I want to be made to feel like I'm a woman not "any hole is a goal". DH used to be adventurous and suggestive but now it's almost like he's gotten lazy and feels like he doesn't have to make the effort but still wants me to constantly have sex!

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 00:45

OP, I genuinely think the pair of you need to see some sort of sex therapist. You've talked to him about this many times and he's completely ignoring you, and the sex you are having is 'foreplay with half his hand inside you' which you hate. You deserve better than this. All this 'Oh, but I get so carried away because I fancy you so much' stuff is absolute bullshit. He's a grown man and if he gave a shit about you he would consider your feelings and he would enjoy giving you pleasure rather than just using you to get his rocks off. I would honestly be inclined to give him an ultimatum of therapy or no sex at all. This whole situation is just plain gross and really quite damaging for you.

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 00:47

Oh, and the same to SofaSurfer too.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/08/2019 01:17

It's not porn that's the problem. Some of these selfish, entitled men might be better at sex if they watched more porn. The problem is the centuries of superstitious bullshit which lingers (even among intelligent people) to the effect that women don't much like sex but it's one of the services they are expected to perform for men's benefit.
The men who constantly nag, whine, 'hint' and request sex are always rubbish at it, as well - it's basically expecting the woman to give them a regular de-spunking. So you get into the cycle of doing it as infrequently as you can get away with it, doing it only to stop him moaning that it isn't happening, because in the early days the fact that you 'loved' him meant that a couple of minutes of pumping was 'nice'. Now it's just boring, but he'll pout even more if you dare to suggest anything a bit more interesting...