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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cringe when I hear 'Do you fancy going up for a cuddle?'

86 replies

SillySallySue · 25/08/2019 22:46

Just this really. My DH is ALWAYS pestering me for sex. Don't get me wrong, I like sex fairly frequently but he's so persistent when HE wants it, it actually puts me off, which annoys me in itself as I like sex. The worst part is when he says stuff like "Do you fancy a cuddle?" - There's no cuddling involved and what he actually means is "I want sex now".

Our 7 month old DS is teething, so naturally bless him, he's a bit pissed off with the world. We ended up finally getting tea at 10 and after I'd finished I let out a sigh and said "Man I'm beat" - he gave it 5 minutes before he came over and started groping me!

I quickly tried to make chit chat - so obviously I almost started cringing at myself lol - hoping he'd get the hint! He replied "Mmm" to what I said and then delivered the cringey "cuddle line"

I find it so un attractive! I don't know what I find more unattractive - him being so oblivious to the fact that I'm not up for it right now or his lack of... I don't know.

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 26/08/2019 05:20

Men have no idea how to treat women
What a ridiculous over-generalisation!

AsTheWorldTurns · 26/08/2019 05:25

Grim. I'd be permanently closed for business.

I wanted no sex when I had babies, or small children even.

Sorry OP.

JudgeLinda · 26/08/2019 05:28

Remember this lol

LiveInAHidingPlace · 26/08/2019 05:32

"I feel like a bit of a bitch being that frank - which I know is silly!"

You feel like a bitch being honest with your husband about your sex life?

I think you really need to work on your boundaries.

That's aside from the fact that your husband is gross. I had a bf like this and it has traumatised me regarding sex. I'm not exaggerating. Even though I love having sex with my husband, who never describes it as "a cuddle" or puts pressure on me, I often find myself thinking of it as a chore because that's how I felt about it with my previous boyfriend. Like it was something I had to get done in order not to have to do it for a few days. It ruined sex for me and I'm still not over it yeats later.

You need to sit down and talk about this with him, and you need to think about therapy for yourself to think about why you think it's not ok to say no. If you can't afford therapy, there are lots of self help books out there.

daisychain01 · 26/08/2019 05:59

You describe what your ex used to do, but then your current DH doesn't sound like much of an improvement.

Have you always felt he "ALWAYS pesters" you - the word speaks volumes, it's a totally one sided situation and you don't welcome him being anywhere near you.

Whatsername7 · 26/08/2019 07:35

YANBU. I literally had this discussion with my dh the other day. I do not want to be asked for sex. We were going to bed the other night after a lovely day/evening where we had been really flirty and cuddly. DH actually said, which triggered the whole argument, 'come on then, lets lube up and get done!' (puke not envy) At which point I said 'are you fucking kidding me?' He was very apologetic, said he was just being silly, didn't mean it etc but that was it for me. Im tired of sex starting two minutes before we go to bed by him asking for it or making a crude 'joke'. Why are some men like this? I blame porn to be honest. In porn, men make no effort to turn a woman on because all women are always gagging for it. DH had counciling for a porn addiction a few years ago and claims he doesnt watch it at all now, but to me, its another example of how it can ruin real sex.

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 08:12

What does other dh do, to initiate sex? Mine always say things like this, mostly i say ok and it gets a bit meccanic. We dont sleep in the same bed and have both small children and teenagers, so it is scedulled, i just wished he was more emotional about it. Not "want a shag in the hay", then dtd and 10 minuts after hes off out working again.

Ligresa · 26/08/2019 08:15

What would you rather he said?

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 08:24

I would prefer for it to develope from a kiss or something. That the atmosphere was there. Not "lets have sex" - "ok" then shagging and 5 minuts of catching his breath and he is gone.
But we cant discuss it. He feel it is critizism and he get hurt and discussion is ended with him hurt/quiet/withdrawn. So i dont bring it up. And loose my desire to have sex at all. I feel used. He very much want to please me but i cant relax in that atmosphere it is, it is way to fast, no built up, no flirting, no tender touching, just full on horny sex. And as we cant discuss it.. it does not change.
What does other dh do, to initiate?

FiveLittlePigs · 26/08/2019 08:31

and shoving his tongue in my ear

I have yet to fathom why some men think this is a sexy thing to do. If anything it makes me push away from it.

RushianDisney · 26/08/2019 08:36

There is nothing less sexy than being asked for sex, 'D'P does this 'cuddle' euphemism too and it makes me drier than the Sahara. It's because they see sex as something we women do for them as a service, like they take the bins out or whatever. I doubt any of them started out doing this, in the early parts of my relationship it was always more spontaneous, but I wasn't exhausted from looking after DC then. It's lazy and entitled behaviour and that's why it's so offputting. I never want to have sex with DP again to be honest, I find it toe curling and not in a good way.

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 08:38

Most people have lots of sex in the beginning. But then they put a bit of efford in it! I think you are right, it is entitlement..

Rezie · 26/08/2019 08:49

I personally don't mind the cuddle line. But the rest of it is a bit if a turn off.

ilikethisusernamethemost · 26/08/2019 08:52

YANBU. My exbf used sit next to me, stroke my arm and say "can we have sex?" 🤢 eww! Get the fuck away from me!! It didn't matter how many times I told him how much of a turn off it was and how repulsed I was he would do this. It makes my skin crawl now when I think about the times I let this man touch me.

madcatladyforever · 26/08/2019 08:54

When you get to the menopause and they behave like this they are dicing with death. There must be many brand new patios belonging to middle aged ladies across the country.
Death by le creuset saucepan.

Spinderellacutituponetime · 26/08/2019 09:09

It’s not rocket science. Explain that the phrase ‘do you want a cuddle’ is not doing it for you and then explain how you would like to be approached instead. If you are intimate enough to be having sex you are capable of communicating what you do/don’t like. He probably thinks he is asking nicely...some men don’t get nuances! 😂They need to be told.

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 09:18

Spinderella, that should be true, but my dh feel hurt by that critizism. And shut down, play the wictim. And to be honest, i have no clue which approach i like, now. I jusy rather not have sex i guess. He is like a clumsy horny teenager, apparently as i am super hot - but clumsy horny teenager dont do it for me..

Butterymuffin · 26/08/2019 09:21

What lines do people prefer? He shouldn't pester you though, and you should be able to say no without hassle.

JudgeLinda · 26/08/2019 09:32

Men should realise we need to be wooed before we have sex - instead of saying - drop your knickers luv!

MumW · 26/08/2019 09:32

How about "No, I'm not up for sex right now and even if I had been, that line would have just killed it"

FloatingObject · 26/08/2019 09:38

Urgh. I hear you OP. Also the poster who said they hate it when DP tweaks their nipples.

I heard a woman on the radio talking about her book which is called Untrue and dispels many of the myths surrounding female sexuality. She said the whole idea that women are more faithful and less up for sex is bull. She says it's more that women have a circular, as opposed to linear, sexuality, meaning what gets us in the mood is what happens BEFORW anything overtly sexual happens.

It's insane the amount of men I've known who think grabbing your tits or going straight for your vagina is what its about. It's so, so simple really: languid kissing, building up to more. Nothing needs to be said. Why dont they get this?

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 09:40

JudgeLinda - wooed how? I have forgot.. if kids are up and about, how should he wo me?
Tomorrow he has the day off, all kids are out. I know he has hopes of sex. But it is the sex HE likes. He think foreplay is half his hand inside me. For he that is sex.
When i still bothered to explain, he said "but i just get carried away, because i find you so attractive" - i read into it, that his feelings are more important than mine, and he cant control himself, which is a total turn off.
But i have no clue what i want anymore. So i just get on with it, and make the mental not of, now im off for a few days. I do love him. I do find him attractive. But he has no clue how i work in that departement abd i have given up spelling it out, as he just cant help himself 🤮

Sofasurfer101 · 26/08/2019 09:45

I really would like to be woed. But every time we do have a kiss that is more than a peck, his hand is inside my shirt and it turn sexual. So i avoid it.
His argumentation for him not being able to control himself, is blaming me for being so incredible sexy 🤣 and worst - take it as a kompliment! (That he basically ignore my needs!!)

Thuglife · 26/08/2019 09:47

Yuck - ExP was awful for this sort of thing. He actually used to slap me around the face with his willy or dry hump me while I was loading the washing machine . Absolutely grim & the least erotic thing I could think of .

Spinderellacutituponetime · 26/08/2019 09:58

Then maybe that’s the issue? Not wanting to have sex at all no matter which way he approaches it? Because let’s face it if you were really turned on I suspect anything he said would be fine😉...seriously though there are kind/tactful ways of approaching these issues in a grown-up manner and if you can’t be honest with one another then nothing will change and I’m guessing you will be continually frustrated by it (viscous circle) and more and more ‘turned off’. Best to be frank and open and honest in my book. You have a lifetime together.

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