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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Insulting birthday card from husband AIBU?

102 replies

Amibeingsensitive · 25/08/2019 22:20

Birthday card on front says

Birthday girl
Become instantly younger with the Eternal Youth rejuvenating lifestyle!
The secrets in the formula...no diet...no exercise...just lie about your age!

I'm 31 and a size 12 with a mum tum after 2 kids. I don't diet or exercise I was a size 8-10 when I met him.

He's not one to give a jokey card it's usually just sweet cards. He said he didn't realise its offensive he just liked the design and didn't pick it for the words.

Am I being sensitive and unreasonable? Is he giving me a dig that I am getting old and need to lose weight or mybe he's just an idiot?

It's deffo knocked my confidence a bit I know it's only a birthday card but surely he's not that stupid and he'd know it'd offend me

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2019 03:59

I'm normally pretty sensitive about cards that seem insulting too, but even I think you're over-reacting on this one!
He's told you he liked the design, didn't even read the words but you're still obsessing that he's trying to dig at you about your age/weight.

All this says that YOU are the one who is unhappy about your age/ weight. You can't do anything about your age (except lie Wink) and it's entirely up to you what you do about your weight - but I think, unless he has form for making digs about your size/weight/appearance, you're making a massive mountain out of the teeniest molehill here.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 04:48

YANBU, and the excuse that he hadn't read the card actually says a lot about his thoughtlessness too.

Chocolatelover45 · 26/08/2019 04:52

You sound a bit sensitive about your weight to react like that. Perhaps think about getting it under control /taking up exercise

ShippingNews · 26/08/2019 04:53

Give him a break - in my experience men don't even bother to read / comprehend the words in cards. Probably thought it was a funny card . Just move on - he didn't mean to be offensive at all.

Chilledout11 · 26/08/2019 04:54

I know it's only a card but there isn't much love or thought put into it. So while I don't think he was trying to say anything mean - he wasn't thinking of saying anything kind or meaningful either.

Skittlesandbeer · 26/08/2019 05:09

He said he didn’t really take in the words, just liked the design. So what’s the design like? Is it really that eye-catching/artistic/your taste?

Or did he realise his little joke-with-sting had fallen flat as was trying to back-peddle.

Not sure that ‘I picked this out for your special day, to honor you, but couldn’t be arsed reading the words’ is a better message than the ‘old and fat’ message.

It wouldn’t ruin my marriage or stay niggling in my head forever, but it would certainly dampen my birthday spirits and piss on the flames of my passion for a while. I’d have no issue showing my feelings on that front.

SaraNade · 26/08/2019 06:05

I think the message in the card is so true! I would have laughed, and I am overweight. He probably thought he'd try a funny one, just for a change. You definitely are being way over-sensitive and over-reacting.

ReasonedCamper · 26/08/2019 06:08

He isn’t having a dig about your weight.

The card says the way to eternal youth is to lie about your age.

I hate ‘age’ joke cards too, as it happens , but they are incredibly common.

Anyway you are clearly feeling that your dress size is connected to a lack of romance in your relationship. So maybe that is something to talk about calmly with him.

Teacakeandalatte · 26/08/2019 06:11

I mean it is a bit of a drip that he didn't buy you a gift when he normally does. I would be a lot more upset about that

ReasonedCamper · 26/08/2019 06:13

“Really? He sends you a card that says you can be younger by simply lying about your age, implying that you look younger than you are, and you think he's having a dig at you?

That card does not say you are old and need to lose weight. That is the exact opposite of what it says. It says you have no need to lose weight and that people would believe you if you claimed to be younger than you are.”

THIS.
This is what it is saying.

HeronLanyon · 26/08/2019 06:20

Op sounds like an overreaction. What’s interesting is it seems to have struck a chord - if you want to exercise and lose a bit of weight/tone up (doesn’t sound as if your weight is unhealthy but I get the toning up thing) it sounds as if it’s you who are maybe right at the point of doing something about it ? Use it as a spur to quietly make some changes.
The card doesn’t sound insensitive but it clearly was for you in your current headspace. Your dh May have had no idea at all !

Soberlober · 26/08/2019 06:53

Personally I think it's a bit crap. Zero thought on his part.

Witchofzog · 26/08/2019 07:06

Seriously? Massive overreaction. What did he actually write in the card? That is more telling than a daft generic card anyway

Ohflippineck · 26/08/2019 07:08

Yes, overly sensitive.

Strugglingtodomybest · 26/08/2019 07:11

I'm another one who's failing to see how it's offensive. Surely it's a compliment?

It's a bit of a crap card though and if you're used to handmade romantic ones then I can see why you're upset. I would suggest having a chat about it all with him, telling him exactly how you're feeling about your post-pregnancies body.

What planet do you all live on? Or alternatively how low are your standards for your husbands?

I live on the planet "don't give a shit about cards or presents" personally. My standards for my husband do not include judging him on his card or present buying abilities. I am also crap at cards and presents so luckily we are 100% compatible in that area.

Shoxfordian · 26/08/2019 07:11

He didn't buy you a present
I'd be annoyed about that too

cdtaylornats · 26/08/2019 07:35

I've never read the words in a birthday or Christmas card in my life.

thegreylady · 26/08/2019 07:52

Surely it means you look so young you don’t need any artificial help. Just say you are 21 and everyone will believe you.

MsVestibule · 26/08/2019 07:52

I'd be pissed off with that. I know it might be standard in some marriages to buy a joke card and no present, but it isn't in mine and it isn't in the OPs. (For example, I find it hilarious that a previous poster's DH bought her a 'sorry you're leaving card' for their anniversary bought I'd be less than impressed if I received one!).

DH and I have always bought lovey dovey cards and a decent present for each other - if that changed one year, I'd be upset. It's all to do with with the context of your own marriage, not somebody else's. Which is why posting on here is not going to give you the answers you wanted, OP 🤷‍♀️.

FWIW, I don't think your DH was being deliberately insulting. Just very thoughtless.

CoffeenWalnut · 26/08/2019 08:00

@Andysbestadventure Sun 25-Aug-19 22:34:01

It's implying women simply lie about their age instead of trying to turn back the clock. It's a shitty joke about getting older.

That's not how I read it at all.... if she can make people believe she is younger simply by saying that she is 27 or whatever, then that is actually very flattering! It's saying she doesn't need to worry about dieting or exercising to excess.
Definitely NOTHING to get upset about OP!

WelcomeToShootingStars · 26/08/2019 11:06

Do you struggle to see humour in things in general?

You must be incredibly difficult to live with if you've kicked up a stink over a joke on a birthday card.

poelpabb · 26/08/2019 11:31

I feel sorry for your husband ☹️

NoSauce · 26/08/2019 11:48

It’s just a shit card OP no need to read anything in to it. Sounds like he picked the first one he saw tbh.

TheInebriati · 26/08/2019 12:10

Some pp have such low standards, its ok if thats how you choose to live but don't assume its normal.

GabsAlot · 26/08/2019 12:14

Id be more bothered that he co9uldnt be arsed to get a present-not that my dh does always tells me to buy myself something-how thoughtful