Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask your honest thoughts on this? Would you make assumptions if you found this out about someone? [Trigger Warning]

77 replies

FlamingoPigeonMashup · 25/08/2019 19:13

If you found out someone close to you had a history of very serious sexual abuse throughout their childhood, be honest, would it affect your perception of them? Their mental health? Their ability to work in certain jobs? Their ability to parent? Would you still be prepared to date them?

What assumptions would you make?

OP posts:
honeyloops · 25/08/2019 20:45

I am in a relationship with someone who disclosed this to me quite early on. It didn't change my opinion of them at all, although it did help me apply extra care and attention to various scenarios where there could have been reminders/triggers etc.

beccarocksbaby · 25/08/2019 20:46

I work with people who have these kinds of history, I run a residential service for them, so I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it other than to give them a squeeze.

We work with our women to make peace with what happened and take authority over who they are now. What power and control they have now. They do very well for it.

People who go through this are amazing for just living as long as they can bear it in my eyes.

feistymumma · 25/08/2019 20:47

Why?

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 25/08/2019 20:47

NoCauseRebel You misunderstood the post you quoted. It was saying that a high percentage of ALL adults have been abused, not that a high percentage of ABUSERS have been abused.

dollydaydream114 · 25/08/2019 20:49

I wouldn’t make any assumptions about their ability to do anything and yes, of course I’d date them. What a weird question.

Abuse doesn’t taint people. It’s not a disease. You can’t catch it.

Dutch1e · 25/08/2019 20:53

OP I'd also like to point out that it's a good sign you're taking this seriously. You might get a bit of a hammering in AIBU but your approach is a hell of a lot better than dismissing it or being glib.

LivingInLaputa · 25/08/2019 20:54

I wouldn’t assume anything really as I was abused myself. I might wonder if they had similar experiences to me, not just at the time but as an adult dealing with the fallout etc.

I have always been very open about it with friends and I don’t think they’ve assumed anything really.

Herefortheduration · 25/08/2019 20:57

I wouldn't make any judgements at all, I'd base my opinions of how they are now. I had a good friend when I was young who was wild, I later found out that when we were friends she was being abused, it answered a lot of questions, so to speak. Now I'm older and can see how she was, I was too naive myself in those days.
I'm nothing but proud of her now and what she has achieved.

Aberhonddu · 25/08/2019 20:59

@FlamingoPigeonMashup
A history of sexual abuse could mean one of two things, either the person perpetrated the abuse or was a victim of the abuse.
If the person is a perpetrator then yes I would definitely judge them. I would never speak to or engage with them ever again. I would consider them to be the absolutely lowest of the dregs in this society, I would consider them to be less than a pile of dogshit that should have been bagged up and cast into the nearest incinerator.
If you are speaking about a victim of sexual abuse then my attitude would be completely different. I have no intention of sharing my personal experience of sexual abuse.
It's my experience and as we're all different human beings then my experience is my own.

Maybelle15 · 25/08/2019 21:05

I am currently worried about my sister in laws partner, he seems overly invested in one of her children. I don’t know what i would be looking for but i just get an odd feeling and i am considering anonymously reporting

Jellykat · 25/08/2019 21:07

I'm going slightly against the grain here, as my XP was sexually abused in his childhood. I had no preconceptions going into the relationship, and forgave his aggressive outbursts, but his rages at his parents for never having protected him (they still to this day know nothing of what happened with this family 'friend') started coming out against me after a couple of years. Controlling, an expert at gaslighting and abusive.. He had a strange emotional detachment with his children, now grown up..which i always found difficult and incomprehensible having children of my own. His abusive behaviour ran through every sexual relationship he'd had.
My conclusion is that if no counselling was ever sought, no justice done, no closure, the victim can in some cases become the abuser.. but i still wouldn't have preconceptions, just maybe a heightened watchful eye for any red flags, given my past experience.

Original poster
FlamingoPigeonMashup · 25/08/2019 21:07

Sorry just to clarify again (I did post this earlier) - I am talking about someone having been a victim of abuse.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 25/08/2019 21:09

OP, if you are the victim here are you worried about telling someone in particular? You mention dating, is this a relationship in the early stages?

I don't think it would affect what I thought of them on a personal basis - on a work basis as an employer I wouldn't want them to deal with anything triggering or at least give them the option first, if it was at all possible.

CloudyVanilla · 25/08/2019 21:10

What a sad horrible idea that someone may negatively judge the victim of such an awful crime :(

ASundayWellSpent · 25/08/2019 21:16

I would feel very sad for them that through no fault of their own they had had such terrible experiences at such a young age.

Wallywobbles · 25/08/2019 21:40

as I was so normal.... I then took a different tact, I tell everyone - I do not hide it as a secret - I tell people to try and break down that stigma. It is working - I'm not sure but I hope it is making a bit of a difference.
I suffered years of very serious abuse, it ended up going to court and he ended up being sentenced for 14 years. I grew up, I got married, I have an amazing family and a career I love as an academic.

So in short, yes I do believe there is still stigma but I think openness and honesty is the best way of breaking that down - just my opinion based on my experience of course though and everybody's experiences are different.

By being open I think it encourages others to open up. Anyone that knows me relatively well knows that I was raped as a 5 yo. Perhaps the exception being some of my family. I told my 2 DSis and one reacted in a way that I didn't expect - she was very defensive. The other said she'd been date raped when she was 17 by a teen friend (family friend) I've not told any of my other siblings.

My exh made the error of thinking I was damaged, his preferred kind of woman. I am not damaged. This is no way defines me.

As a teacher at university I don't tell students but perhaps I should. I do discuss discrimination, inequality and harassment but I don't make it personal.

This is food for thought.

MaisieDaisy1 · 25/08/2019 21:42

Are you seriously asking such a question. You have just proved why victims struggle to come forward. They worry that people won’t believe them. They worry that people will think less of them. What a horrible person you must be to even have this thought process. The correct response is to be kind and compassionate. Shame on you.

Original poster
FlamingoPigeonMashup · 25/08/2019 21:44

Maisie - I am the person this has happened to. And I am asking because my fears are exactly as you outline in your post.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 25/08/2019 21:53

While the number of adults who were abused as children is slightly higher than those who haven’t, the percentage is extremely low

This doesn’t make sense... it’s binary: you were either abused as a child or weren’t. If the number of adults abused as children outnumbers those who weren’t then you’re saying over half of adults have been abused. I don’t think that’s correct?

OP - I’d not judge - I’d judge their abuser but have no doubt about the victim being able to work, have children, be a partner etc.

augustusglupe · 25/08/2019 23:13

No and from the little I’ve been through, let’s just say I dodged a few bullets in my childhood. Nothing to do with family, all outsiders.
I’m like other posters have said, very, very perceptive, intuition that never lets me down, protective to a fault of my daughter, I like to think a bloody good mum, although she’s grown up now. Very empathetic to other people, as you never know what they’re going through or have been through.
So if I’m judged on all that, fine by me.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 25/08/2019 23:29

I have a past I have only ever told one person about for fear of exactly what you have said. I do not want anyone to look at me differently, think differently of me. Start analysing how I react to certain things and try to join the dots. My past doesn't define me.

Original poster
FlamingoPigeonMashup · 26/08/2019 08:17

Exactly Bird.

OP posts:
dudsville · 26/08/2019 08:21

It would break my heart, in a good way, make me want to be kinder, it would remind me that we pass by people every day with experiences we cannot imagine and remind me to be patient.

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 08:38

Are you seriously asking such a question. You have just proved why victims struggle to come forward. They worry that people won’t believe them. They worry that people will think less of them. What a horrible person you must be to even have this thought process. The correct response is to be kind and compassionate. Shame on you.

Did you read the thread? It was pretty clear the OP was a victim or advocating for one rather than being stigmatising. Jesus.

ColdAndSad · 26/08/2019 08:53

I had a horrible childhood. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect. I've told quite a few people about it and most have been fine--they've been kind and compassionate, and haven't let my disclosures change their relationship with me at all.

Some people have judged me for it, and have been horrible, saying I must be lying, or unstable, or damaged in some way. It was hurtful at first but I remembered that Maya Angelou quote: When people tell you who they are, believe them. I thanked Ms Angelou, and from then on I lived my life without those people. It was a positive thing, not having to deal with toxic, judgemental people any more.

I hope you're ok, OP, and that no one is making you feel less than the wonderful person you are simply because you have experienced someone else's cruelty and abuse. You're not to blame, and are good.