Can I ask your honest thoughts on this? Would you make assumptions if you found this out about someone? [Trigger Warning]

[FlamingoPigeonMashup]

If you found out someone close to you had a history of very serious sexual abuse throughout their childhood, be honest, would it affect your perception of them? Their mental health? Their ability to work in certain jobs? Their ability to parent? Would you still be prepared to date them?

What assumptions would you make?

I recently found out a close friend had experienced serious sexual abuse as a child and it just made me feel more admiration for her than I did already. She’s excellent at her job and I trust her completely.

This has happened to me. I was in awe of how strong and brilliant they were for about 2 minutes. Then life moved on and I carried on seeing them in exactly the same way I always have. No judgement at all.

I would definitely assume it had had an impact on them and that there may be some things they would struggle with (like maybe sexual intimacy). I mean everything we experience shapes our future behaviour.

They are survivors. They are not to be judged on something that they couldn’t control. A friend of mine has started wearing one of these www.survivorsuk.org/campaign/

I think it’s a great idea. Talking and being out in the open with all the burdens we each carry is the healthiest thing. For all of us no matter what we’ve suffered. It helps us the best version of ourselves and contribute to making a better society and filling the roles you list in your OP.

I wouldn't make any assumptions, why would i?

Would you still be prepared to date them?
How they were as a person and how they treated other people/ me would determine that not them having been being sexually abused.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks covered everything else

Why would I make assumptions?

No assumptions. In fact,my best friend has such a history,she's fucking awesome! In fact
I knew quite a bit about it even before becoming really close and it made no difference.

A high percentage of all adults have experienced sexual abuse

This.

I wouldn't make any. It's probably more common than most of us think.

I was sexually abused as a child. That was what made me determined to become a nurse and when an acquired physical disability stopped me doing that, I became an admin officer with a children's safeguarding team because I wanted to spend my working life doing the best I could for other people/children.

People like me come from all backgrounds and have all kinds of different personalities. I'm not defined by the fact that my grandfather was a cunt.

Hypothetically...
If this was someone close to me and I already had concerns about their stability, their emotional regulation or their behaviour and then I discovered they had a history, it might make sense of some of their difficulties. I would feel compassion but I wouldn’t overlook anything that was already a red flag. It might confirm for me that the issues I was sensing were real.

If I didn’t have concerns to begin with I wouldn’t assume they were about to self destruct.

Zero assumptions. A bucket load of respect.

I assume you mean as a victim and therefore survivor and not as an abuser?
If the former, MilkTwoSugarsThanks answers it.

If the latter... changes everything.

Yes I do ChrisPrattsFace.

Thank you to everyone that has replied. Especially those who have shared their own experience.

I wouldn't make any assumptions either. I was sexually abused as a child - it has never occurred to me that other people would be worried about me being in a relationship with them because of something some other person did to me as a child. The thing is, sadly lots of people have been abused as children - you just don't know it as its not a topic of conversation that comes up. Its only relevant if you decide its relevant.

My friend was abused. I just wanted to hug her when she told me. I don’t think anything about her capabilities as a person apart from being incredibly strong.

Sorry I mean sexually abused as a child.

I would be so angry that someone hurt someone I loved.

But it wouldn’t change how I viewed that person.

We all work with and are friends with people who have suffered some trauma. We just don’t know about it.

I would of course feel compassion - but suffering abuse does not make someone less able to parent, work or live than anyone else.

....... wow

A high percentage of all adults have experienced sexual abuse I really wish people would stop pedalling this myth. While the number of adults who were abused as children is slightly higher than those who haven’t, the percentage is extremely low, and continuing to spread around the myth that most adult abusers were sexually abused children you are continuing to stigmatise victims.

My DP was seriously sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child, to the point he has life-long disabilities now. He told me once that when his sister had her first baby he was afraid to hold her because what if, as a victim of abuse he turned out to be an abuser, after all, that was what people would expect. .

Many people have been sexually abused and never talked about it. After all, while there’s nothing wrong with confiding in a friend, however victim of abuse isn’t a badge people should have to wear in order that people can admire/judge them. L

My dh was abused. Didn't tell me until 6 years into our relationship.
Do I need to leave him now?

You might be surprised at how many of your friends are survivors and you just don't know.

I can understand that you feel thrown for a loop. Maybe ask them what you should know and how it affects this person's relationships?

I can't help but be impressed that they've thrown off the shame to be truthful with you.

I would make the assumption that if they had got through that and still presented as fairly 'normal' that they were one tough motherfucker who was to be admired!!

I have found this out about several people (not surprising, as it's so common) and can honestly say it didn't affect my perception of them at all.