Do you just turn up?

[Passthebubbly]

So I have a friend who I adore but we are clearly very different in some ways. The thing is, she just turns up at the house, a lot. Wether I say I am busy or not she will just appear.
I am kind of more insular person and prefer to know when people are coming. It’s really stressing me out but I don’t want her to be upset and feel unwelcome. She is always welcome if I know she is coming.
Her kids are grown and she is single. I am married with still young kids. For example today I had said no to meeting up as we had a lot on but i would have her round one night next week. I arrived home late this afternoon to her driving away from my driveway. She is not lonely has loads of friends and great family. How do I get her just to understand i like to plan things rather than just have her turn up unannounced. Time before today was a Saturday night at 21.20 with her 22 year old daughter. God I sound like a bitch

You don’t sound like a bitch at all. ‘Popping in’ drives me nuts. You will get people on here telling you that you’re being unsociable/unwelcoming, but I really don’t see how it’s unsociable to expect some notice (or to expect someone to wait for an invitation). Also, if you pop in unannounced, surely you’re potentially in for a wasted journey if you turn up and everyone’s out?

Popping
in is rude and there is no need for it.

Tell her. Explain that you find it quite stressful when she just turns up and could she please text to check if it's okay.

And then next time she turns up unannounced (she will) just say it's not convenient and could she come back at X time.

Popping in is quite normal, only on MN do you have to have synchronised calendars and make an appointment three months in advance and apply for a parking permit - and that's just for your own blood relatives and freinds, let alone in laws, who have to submit a written request detailing the nature of the visit, the duration

The time depends on your relationship. personally, I would find 21.20 late, others are just thinking about getting ready to go out.

Don't open the door if you don't want to see her. Pretend you were in the bath if or something.

Popping in is quite normal, only on MN do you have to have synchronised calendars and make an appointment three months in advance

I think it might be a north/south divide thing, as where I am popping in is definitely not the norm. Can you chat to her and explain that you’d prefer it if she could text before coming over?

In this day and age there really is no excuse for just "popping". We all have phones, it's very easy to send a quick message.
Then you can save a trip if the person you want to visit is busy or not in.
Actually - I think that might be why they don't message first! It's easy to say no in a phonecall or a message, but much harder when they're standing face to face at your door! Then if you say "Oh, I'm busy, or not well etc" they say "Oh I don't mind." and it gets harder.
Can you tell I don't like popper inners?

Turning up when you’ve already been told that someone is busy is just terrible even my close family don’t do that and I love seeing them. I think you need to spell it out to her and explain that you do like her company but with having a young family it’s not convenient and that she needs to give you some notice and if you tell her you’re busy that she can’t still come round. It’s the only way OP.

I have literally never in my life had someone ‘pop in’ without telling me. And I have a very active social life. If it happened I’d probably hide!

I really want to know are you a southerner ? I don’t mean to be rude but it’s just south moany sounding !! Sorry if that sounds awful
I don’t tell my bestie I’m coming I just arrive ,plonk Myself on the sofa , eat all her food , give her kids sugar in the form of lots of sweets then leave , she does the exact same to me and I wouldn’t have it any other way 😊😊

I also think in this day and age , being aware re mental health and being supportive I defo have an open door policy , I wouldn’t want a single one of my
Friends thinking they couldn’t just turn up if they needed to

The only people in my life who 'pop in' without warning are my immediate neighbours, and even then it's usually for a reason (like a parcel, or if I see my NDN pass my kitchen window and we exchange frantic miming for 'hi! fancy a cuppa, haven't seen you properly in ages!') It's so easy to text to find out if someone is ok with you coming over, I don't know why anyone wouldn't at least contact first to suggest they'd like to come over before descending on someone unannounced.

I agree - I far prefer to know ppl are coming. A quick text is fine!!

I have a friend who just walks in 😬😬 don't mind when I know ppl are coming round, but I think to just walk in someone's house when they don't know you are coming round is rude!!

There’s popping in and ‘popping in’ Sort of like going out and going ‘out out’.
Popping in when passing on the way back from town at 11am for a coffee is very different to pitching up at 9.30pm at night (I’d be in my jim jams ready for bed).

Family do but it would be rare anyone else did. I'm Northern and it's not normal amongst my circle. I might not get much notice but I'd always get text.

Only one person pops into mine, and I can't stand him at the best of times. Luckily, I think he's got the message and DP now goes over to his!

I have one friend who I only pop in on, but she told me too. If she's busy she'll say so and no offence is taken. But I often walk past her door and she's quite happy for me to stop and see if she's free if I have time to spare.

I'll occassionally pop into another friend, again, someone who has an open house and really doesn't mind, but I'll usually check first as I'm less relaxed about doing so with her.

I'm insular, introvert, etc.. I'm ok with pop ins from neighbours. We discuss the issue, I don't prolong it it with the more polite offers of tea unless there's distress. Friends know me, know I want space and things to be planned. I think you just need to tell her. I believe extroverts can't really understand this so you may have to tell her often for a time how much you value her friendship but unplanned visits don't work for you.

This would drive me nuts too. I don't the occasional unexpected visit, but this sounds a lot more than that.

I don’t want her to be upset and feel unwelcome. She is always welcome if I know she is coming.

I'm guessing she's pretty thick-skinned not to have spotted your reluctance by now. You have to tell that you love to see her, but she needs to ask first if you're busy, and before setting off. If she keeps doing it, then you have to be busy a few times and not let her in.

I think there's a difference between popping in on the way past (and thus if they're not in / are busy, it's no skin off your nose) and making a special to trip to see someone (in which case there's more pressure on the dropped-in-on person to be welcoming.

To be honest, though, even though she's in the second category I think you have to treat her as though she were in the first and simply tell her when it's not convenient. TBH, as you'd already told her you were too busy to catch up I think it was incredibly rude that she turned up anyway. I would love to know how this thought that was in any way appropriate.

Sorry to disappoint - I'm a southerner, we all 'pop in' round about these ;ere parts.

I don't think its so much a north/south thing, more an anxiety/personality thing.

Look upon it as a compliment.

Yes I am from the north - today just annoyed me massively as I had said I couldn’t catch up today as kids had sports events on and I had to get school ironing etc done when I got home. She came anyway! She did not see me drive in I seen her in my driveway so actually drove out again I was that annoyed and stressed out by it. Honestly love her company but it is getting too much. Oh I need to grow a set and talk to her.

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with north/south. (I speak as a southerner who has lived in the north for 20 years.) It’s purely personal preference.

If you are one of those extrovert types who likes getting visitors with no warning, that’s fine. But don’t expect everyone to feel that way and don’t assume that just because you like it when your friends do it, other friends will feel the same when you do it to them.

It takes two seconds to text or call and say “Are you busy? Was thinking I might come round?” so I don’t really know why anyone wouldn’t do that unless they are so desperate for company that they would rather risk inconveniencing their friends than not see them. I, personally, would rather know that my friends actually wanted to see me than just foist myself on them whether they liked it or not.

If you have a relationship with someone where it’s mutually agreed that you can both pop in on each other unannounced, great - go for it. That’s fine. But don’t force it on people who aren’t keen because that’s just plain rude.

It’s also not about not answering the door she literally doesn’t knock just walks in if unlocked.
Re mental health things - no issues there it’s just something she does will come and sit sometimes for a good few hours. However it is affecting my mental health, it stresses me out a lot never knowing when she is going to turn up. If I thought she needed me my door would be open day or night but it’s like she just feels she can be here whenever she wants. I do want to be open and welcoming but at some point have to draw a line and say no

I do have some social anxiety shit issues though I know that, however she has also turned up with a friend of hers I have never even met before. I was in jammies with a face and hair mask on 😢

"Popping in" unexpectedly is bad enough, turning up at someone's home when they've SPECIFICALLY told you it's an inconvenient time is plain rude!

Don't worry about offending her she clearly doesn't give a stuff about your feelings or needs or your family's!

As pp say there's really no excuse in this day and age to not check if it's convenient first AND if told it's not just don't bloody turn up!

There's also no rule that says you HAVE to admit people who turn up like this!

If she does that again say

"It's really not a good time, I did say so when you called/messaged, I'll get in touch to arrange another time/I'll see you on X day, have a good day bye!"

NO apology, no long explanations.

Personally I don't even answer the door unless I'm expecting a visitor.

"I also think in this day and age , being aware re mental health and being supportive" many of us who DON'T like "poppers in" have mental health issues that mean people "popping in" causes us anxiety and distress - or does that aspect of mental illness not matter?

People who don't mind "poppers in" seem to be very presumptuous in expecting everyone else to feel the same!

Newsflash! People are different!