Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you just turn up?

58 replies

Passthebubbly · 25/08/2019 17:30

So I have a friend who I adore but we are clearly very different in some ways. The thing is, she just turns up at the house, a lot. Wether I say I am busy or not she will just appear.
I am kind of more insular person and prefer to know when people are coming. It’s really stressing me out but I don’t want her to be upset and feel unwelcome. She is always welcome if I know she is coming.
Her kids are grown and she is single. I am married with still young kids. For example today I had said no to meeting up as we had a lot on but i would have her round one night next week. I arrived home late this afternoon to her driving away from my driveway. She is not lonely has loads of friends and great family. How do I get her just to understand i like to plan things rather than just have her turn up unannounced. Time before today was a Saturday night at 21.20 with her 22 year old daughter. God I sound like a bitch

OP posts:
Smilebehappy123 · 25/08/2019 19:50

Graphista - you got no chill whatsoever o can sense the nosebleed this thread has given you from here 🤣🤣🤣
Poor woman just wants some company don’t be tight on her I think you should invite her to stay for the week 😊😊😊

Graphista · 25/08/2019 19:51

"It’s also not about not answering the door she literally doesn’t knock just walks in if unlocked." Good grief!! So rude!!

Time to be assertive and clear op.

"I like you and like spending time with you BUT I really don't appreciate you coming round when I've already said I'm busy and it's inconvenient and please don't come in, knock/ring bell and wait. And it's absolutely NOT on to bring someone I've never met without prior agreement from me. As I said I like you but you need to respect MY needs and boundaries, this is my home, it's not acceptable for you to just enter it without my agreement"

Seriously what is wrong with people?! This is basic good manners as far as I'm concerned. The only house I would enter without the householder admitting me is my parents and even then it's because they've said I can (and siblings and the grandchildren) and we (siblings etc) still knock and shout "it's only me" as we enter.

My parents, well my dad is basically bedridden anyway and mum is of a generation that wouldn't go downstairs unless fully dressed and "presentable" anyway.

So so very rude to not respect people's homes and time.

KatharinaRosalie · 25/08/2019 19:54

Unless you have specifically told someone to 'pop in any time, don't bother calling' then it's rude. How hard is it to send a text, exactly? If you have been specifically told not to pop in, then doing it is above rudeness.

Graphista · 25/08/2019 19:55

Smile - while your response is supposedly jokey/sarcastic it belies your complete lack of consideration for those who don't feel as you do and shows some anger towards us.

We are perfectly entitled to expect people to check first.

It's incredibly rude to just turn up at someone's home, let yourself in ESPECIALLY if they've already said that day/time doesn't suit. It shows a complete disregard for the person being visited and their wants/needs.

Cherrysoup · 25/08/2019 19:55

I really want to know are you a southerner ? I don’t mean to be rude but it’s just south moany sounding !! Sorry if that sounds awful

It does sound awful and it is rude. I’m northern and I’d find it horrible to have people just popping in.

Smilebehappy123 · 25/08/2019 19:59

Graphista oh come on lighten up it’s bank holiday , pour yourself a gin and put your feet up , maybe OP could invest in one of them electric fences and put it at front of the house ? 🤣

Each2TheirOwn · 25/08/2019 20:04

@Passthebubbly your friend sounds like she's a little too comfortable.

If you don't feel comfortable having the conversation with her (I understand this can be awkward and is bound to cause some upset) then make small changes that she will pick up on:

  1. Lock the door when you are home. That way, she can't just walk in. She will need to knock and will get used to this if it becomes the new norm.
  2. If she turns up unannounced or when you've told her you're busy, tell her it's not a convenient time and you'll give her a call later to arrange a catch up.

Hopefully she'll get the hint without you having to raise the issue directly x

Each2TheirOwn · 25/08/2019 20:08

Oh, and turning up with a random having given you no prior notice or asked your permission is a no no. Very rude!

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 25/08/2019 20:10

Wow smile be happy - how judge are you. For your info I love having people round, when I know they are coming. I have 1 kid with asd/dyspraxia/spd who needs to know daily what is happening and when. He does not cope well with changes to the days plans.
I also work from home 50% of the week so where I am at home it’s not convenient to have people just come in and sit around for 3-4hrs at a time. My point today was I had said today was not acceptable to catch up as we had a lot on. She came anyway. Never mind I have two kids sports facilities to fly between, uniform to get ready, homework to do, elderly sick mother to visit, dinner to make all whilst having invited her round one night next week.

OP posts:
Smilebehappy123 · 25/08/2019 20:12

Don’t drip feed OP we need all the facts at the start of the tale

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 25/08/2019 20:13

I do lock the door now or at least put the chain on. Just hate I can’t relax in my own home and my dh is pissed off with it too. She is utterly lovely and I adore her but this is just one place where we don’t gel, happily have her round once twice a week if it was arranged just can’t deal with her appearing at random times. I know I am weird and very particular over my own space but it’s how I am. Ok conversation needs to be had.

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 25/08/2019 20:15

Not intending to drip feed question was do you just appear at peoples door when they have said it’s not a good time (excluding emergency) - conversation has just evolved from that. Shouldn’t matter if my kids add or I work from home my question remains the same.

OP posts:
Birdshitbridgegotme · 25/08/2019 20:17

I feel your pain, I hate people just 'popping' in...sometimes I just want a nice lazy day.cant be bothered to talk to anyone or my house is a mess. Sometimes I ain't even had a wash or got dressed and I should be allowed to do as I please in my own house. This would annoy me so much. I wouldnt open the door especially if I had already told her not to come!

Cabezona · 25/08/2019 20:18

I would never dream of just turning up. My DM does. Even to people she hasn't seen for ten years. If she's driving past for some other purpose and has time on the way back she pops in. They might not even remember her, or god forbid someone similar looking opens the door and she carries on as if she knows them.

I think it's really strange because it leads to awkward conversations if the person is about to go out or go to bed but is too polite to say...

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 25/08/2019 20:19

Birdshitgottome - that’s exactly what I should have just said in my original post!!! You are my person 😂

OP posts:
AJ1425 · 25/08/2019 20:24

No!!! I hate it. Do not just show up on my door step I do not want you. I wouldn't dream of turning up at someone's house without prior warning. Why would you not just call and ask? We all have the means to nowadays.
I'm northern so I've no idea where this northern southern thing is coming from.

Stardustmoon · 25/08/2019 20:25

I would hate this. The only people who pop in with us are mine and dh's parents and my sister and even then, they normally phone to say pop the kettle on!

Nautiloid · 25/08/2019 20:50

Nah, 'popping in' died a death with the advent of texting for all reasonable people. YANBU.

AmIChangingagain · 25/08/2019 21:58

Smile quit being a GF, would you.

chilling19 · 25/08/2019 22:33

Oh, this would stress me out big time. OP - you have to tell her.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 25/08/2019 23:11

Glad it’s not just me! Ok a chat needs to be had.
She is just so lovely I don’t want to upset her but equally can’t go on like this.

OP posts:
Pardonwhat · 25/08/2019 23:15

"It’s also not about not answering the door she literally doesn’t knock just walks in if unlocked."

I’ve always thought this was normal if you knew someone well. But if you don’t like it, say.

dudsville · 26/08/2019 07:22

But, you may not even have social anxiety! There may be nothing at all wrong with you. You may just be an introvert, there's nothing wrong with this!

If someone texted me to ask if they could pop over I'd be asking "for what?", I'm happy to be social from time to time but I so rarely get lonely such that I'd just want to aimlessly hang out.

wheresmymojo · 26/08/2019 07:34

I'm an extrovert but wouldn't love people 'popping in' all the time...mainly because you don't get time to run around and make the house acceptable.

Plus at the weekend I might still be in PJs if I'm having a lazy day.

Milkstick · 26/08/2019 07:55

I like company but hell, that would scare the bejesus out of me. Like, I'd want to move. Lock the door. Ours is permanently locked. Whether your son has additional needs is irrelevant, you didn't need to post it in OP - I'd be ignoring completely if they arrived unannounced. Nobody I know thinks this is normal either - I've had it happen once, a lovely friend whose mum had just died, and I knew something was up before I even got to the door because nobody just 'pops' around here. As for what to do... Shut the curtains and ignore? Or be really clear that it's not ok to show up unannounced. Maybe by text if face to face feels too weird. Say you need your space, that you just don't do things that way. If they're lovely but not respecting boundaries, they're not lovely, really.