to leave DP's uni friends weekend to meet my best friend who lives abroad?

[detectivebird]

i'm currently away with dp, six of his friends from uni and their wives / girlfriends / babies. we're in the uk staying in a cottage around 300 miles from home for three nights. i've met them all many times before. it's a chilled weekend - boys playing cricket on the lawn, bbq, etc.

my best friend lives abroad (in europe so not hugely far away but still a two hour flight) and i've seen him once this year and seeing him again in november. by sheer coincidence he is going to be 30 miles away from where we are staying early afternoon tomorrow for a few hours. aibu to skip the country walk and sunday lunch we have planned for tomorrow, to go and meet him for 2.5 hours?

i've suggested it to dp to see how he feels about it and he doesn't seem that happy. he's never met my friend (due to the distance). my friend is gay and married in case that is relevant! just want to check whether i am being unreasonable.

Definitely yanbu

No of course you are not unreasonable! Go meet your friend!

You're only on holiday for 3 nights and you'll be seeing your friend in just over 2 months.

I'd stick with the holiday if I were you.

I would totally go visit me friend!!!

You're skipping 4 hours of a long weekend, not much on the grand scheme of things when it's so rare for you to be able to see your good friend.

That wouldn't be acceptable in my books. YABU.
Your DP's friends are going to be a bit pissed off with you - you don't change plans just because you got a better offer.

YABU you already have a commitment and it's not like you never see the friend.

I'd go meet friend if it was me.

YANBU - it's two hours out of a whole weekend, you'll barely be missed.

YANBU it's only a few hours and they can plate you up Sunday dinner if you're not back in time.

Not sure. I think yanbu BUT if your dh minds and you had the weekend away booked first then you probably shouldn't go.

argh. no consensus. i have far fewer friends that dp and he spends a lot of time with his pals, whereas i get far fewer opportunities. so it feels like a wasted chance. but on balance i don't think i'll go. i probably would be pissed off if i was in dp's shoes, so that should be my answer.

Would your friend be able to come along and meet you all?

It's not a long holiday and it's not long until you're seeing him anyway, so I would stick with the prior commitment

sadly not @WorraLiberty he doesn't have a car and we're a bit in the middle of nowhere - so a train and taxi would take up most of the 2.5 hours he has free. (he's in the uk for work reasons so a really tight schedule).

That's my thinking Worra. Can the friend gatecrash the Sunday lunch and meet DH.

Urgh.

I can see both sides tbh.

On one hand you’ve made a commitment you should stick to it regardless of if something better comes along (this seems to be the consensus what we teach our children on the billionty threads on birthday parties).

On the other it does seem like an exceptional circumstance.

The other thing to consider is the weird phenomenon of ‘group dynamics’ when you return, I’m betting it’ll be weird as on some level they’ll think you’ve betrayed the group.

Awkward

If you see DPs gang a fair amount and you have far fewer friends then I would hope he would understand as there are 10/11 other adults it's not like the group dynamics will really change!

Presumably DP would have gone on his own had you not been able to go?

I have few friends and they mean a lot to me especially the ones that it's difficult to see due to distance.

there'll be no change to the group dynamic, i'm the 'newest' girlfriend so the group have all known each other 6+ years.

i'm really torn and in two minds as i completely see the point of view of all pps!

How new are you? Agree you should stick to the weekend, you’ll see your friend in November, and I’d be upset it i were one of DP’s friends. I would see it as you not valuing the group so might make future meet ups more difficult.

I'd stick with DP and pals.
Although it's going to be awkward if you've already talked to friend about meeting up ( sounds likely as you know how long he'll be free etc). Will sound awful if you say dp doesn't want you to go meet him.

@@wheresmyliveship we've been together two years so i've met the group plenty of times and spent time / weekends with couples individually too.

i would hate to appear rude to them though!

leaning towards not going.

I didn’t mean ‘group dynamic’ in that sense more the psychological sense.

Instead of group, perhaps ‘team’ would be a more helpful description.

@Atlasta oh i wouldn't tell him dp isn't happy, i can say we've pre paid for sunday lunch or something if need be. he's a very very good friend and understands it's a long shot to meet up! so i'm sure he wouldn't mind.

I would go! There's plenty of people there, it's not like it's a two couples holiday where you would be missed. It's for a few hours and a rare opportunity. He's your good friend and life is short.

I would go - it would be different if you were already with a different group of your friends and he was there as the ‘extra’ but as it’s his friends and they’re off on a walk, everyone will be mixing around anyway, if I was one of the other friends I would be quite upset if you felt you couldn’t go off for a couple of hours to see a friend of your own there for an unexpected trip from abroad. Bit different if it was a friend you could see any time or if there are lots of logistical things like he was expecting you to look after kids or you wanted to go off for a couple of days not hours...

But a couple of hours when you would be out on a walk - when you see the friend so infrequently - would be a fantastic thing to do, something that was meant to be and I think that it is very selfish and insecure of dh and his friends to do anything but throw you out of the door to visit him, even though the group trip was planned first.