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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does my friend’s husband not like me?

65 replies

Fluffymingo · 24/08/2019 13:57

Quick summary. N and I have been close friends for over a year. It’s an odd friendship as we went from hardly knowing each other to best friends very quickly. I’ve been through a lot of things recently and she has been there for me. We have dinner once a week and see each other (with both husbands) a couple of times a week. We text all the time - unless her husband is around. I get that they need space etc etc but it’s just odd to go from masses of messages to zero. He is also a bit funny with me when we are together - constantly telling me how much she loves him etc. He also has to hold her hand and kiss her, which my husband thinks makes her feel awkward. She also says things that make me worry that he is controlling. She is not a very outgoing person and doesn’t have many friends.
Sorry this is so long - didn’t want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 24/08/2019 13:59

if he is controlling then he's trying to isolate her by getting you to stay away from her. don't be put off and support her all you can.

GiveMeHope103 · 24/08/2019 14:04

It sounds quite an intense friendship. Seeing each other a few times a week? Thats quite a lot and maybe he is just annoyed with you taking up so much of their time.

brummiesue · 24/08/2019 14:06

Wow thats a lot of time spent together....maybe he has just had enough of it??!!

Cassilis · 24/08/2019 14:06

He does sound controlling. How long have they been together?

Original poster
Fluffymingo · 24/08/2019 14:08

They have been together 20 years.
When we all see each other it’s part of a social activity (church/choir) which we all go to with lots of other people.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 24/08/2019 14:09

Blimey,Iif my Dp had started such an intense friendship lime this i would be annoyed.
How would she fit time in for other friends, her relationship, life, etc. if you are seeing and texting each other as much as you say?

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 14:10

From another POV you have described a lot of red flags in your “friendship” with her.

The friendship developed v rapidly which is not normally healthy and a red flag.

In that short time you have already drawn a lot of her emotional energy and time due to your problems.

You see her a lot for a friend, twice/thrice a week and ‘masses’ of texts That’s not normal, that’s suffocating.

You seem jealous that they express affection physically!

Perhaps he thinks you’re an emotional vampire trying to protect her from you taking advantage of her?

GiveMeHope103 · 24/08/2019 14:11

I too would be annoyed so I think he is rightly so. If you already see each other what is the need to be obsessively texting. And as It went from zero to intense so quickly maybe he is concerned for her, such as your intentions? Not saying you have bad intentions.

Beesandcheese · 24/08/2019 14:11

You might know the dirt. He is trying to look good? Controlling people often try to act like a great partner around others in order to erode their partners credibility.

dollydaydream114 · 24/08/2019 14:12

I’ll be honest: if my partner had a friend he had dinner with every week and also expected me to see, with his wife, twice a week as well, plus constant texting, I wouldn’t like that friend either.

I’m not possessive at all but the friendship you’re describing sounds incredibly intense and clingy and I think a lot of people would find it a bit much. You say the friendship progressed from 0 to 60 very fast, too, so from this man’s perspective he’s gone from having a normal relationship with his wife to one which suddenly requires the almost constant presence of another person who he has been pushed into socialising with twice a week along with her husband. He didn’t choose you and your husband as friends and I’m not surprised if he resents this a bit because to me it sounds suffocating and weird.

GiveMeHope103 · 24/08/2019 14:12

Blocked put it so much better.

IABUQueen · 24/08/2019 14:13

That’s quite a lot of time to kill on a friendship that started only a year ago.

It’s unhealthy to jump into friendships so intensely so suddenly.

I think he is being patient

As far as the kissing and hugging goes, I don’t know it’s weird. Maybe he is insecure because he feels left behind by all the texting .

I wouldn’t know

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 14:14

You say she doesn’t have many friends.

Clearly the same must be said if you if you are devoting so much time to her.

Do you have a history of these super intense “friendships”

SavingSpaces2019 · 24/08/2019 14:19

Sounds like you're having a platonic 'emotional affair' with this friend.....she may well be in a controlling relationship - but she's rapidly getting enmeshed in a friendship with an overly needy person.
None of this is healthy.
BOUNDARIES is what you both need.

Toothproblems · 24/08/2019 14:21

I think you sound controlling. Not her dh

BlockedAndDeleted · 24/08/2019 14:29

Oh, just to be clear, your husband is enabling your unhealthy obsession with her.

It means he doesn’t have to deal with your neediness nor show you any affection.

MLMsuperfan · 24/08/2019 14:30

Dial things back a bit and see if things improve.

pasturesgreen · 24/08/2019 14:32

If my partner had a friend he had dinner with every week and also expected me to see, with his wife, twice a week as well, plus constant texting, I wouldn’t like that friend either

^ What Dolly said! This sounds like an unhealthy level of involvement. Do you even manage to get together with other people, since so much of your time is taken up by new best friend?

womaninthedark · 24/08/2019 14:36

You are far too much in her life for a 'friend'. To see each other once a week for lunch and with partners once a month would be enough. Phone once a week if you're really close, text a couple of times a week at most.

Otherwise, you're being horribly intrusive. Or you and the friend have got something going that we haven't been told about.

BigFatLiar · 24/08/2019 14:37

Maybe he's concerned you're going beyond friendship into having a single sex affair.

NiceWork · 24/08/2019 14:39

In the nicest possible way, if I were the husband, I suspect I'd be equally unkeen on someone whose friendship sounds like a FT job and is also a bit of an emotional drain...?

Don't you think it's normal that she might want to spend time actually talking to and interacting with her husband when they're together, rather than being semi-tuned out because she's surgically attached to her phone?

EskewedBeef · 24/08/2019 14:47

Presumably she's his best friend, and he doesn't want to see her make the mistake of getting caught up with someone so demanding of her time and energy. I'm guessing she hasn't had such an intense friendship before, and he doesn't like it.

If she were my partner, i'd be hugely wary of you, and I'd resent having to socialise with people I'm not keen on.

TimeForNewStart · 24/08/2019 14:52

I think you are fishing for us to say that he is jealous of you.

user1471449295 · 24/08/2019 14:52

I’d be annoyed and wary if I were her husband too. That level of contact is just suffocating. Can you not see how that much contact is abnormal? It’s like you are all in one relationship.

Original poster
Fluffymingo · 24/08/2019 14:55

Wow. Not quite what I expected but thanks to those who have made useful suggestions, certainly gives me things to think about.

OP posts: