Why does my friend’s husband not like me?

[Fluffymingo]

Quick summary. N and I have been close friends for over a year. It’s an odd friendship as we went from hardly knowing each other to best friends very quickly. I’ve been through a lot of things recently and she has been there for me. We have dinner once a week and see each other (with both husbands) a couple of times a week. We text all the time - unless her husband is around. I get that they need space etc etc but it’s just odd to go from masses of messages to zero. He is also a bit funny with me when we are together - constantly telling me how much she loves him etc. He also has to hold her hand and kiss her, which my husband thinks makes her feel awkward. She also says things that make me worry that he is controlling. She is not a very outgoing person and doesn’t have many friends.
Sorry this is so long - didn’t want to drip feed.

He may well be controlling but also wary of how intense your relationship has become and the expectation that he needs to join in. In a way your the OW.

You may be coming across as intense and needy. He hasn't selected you and your husband as friends but has to socialise with you constantly and when you aren't you are messaging his wife a lot by the sounds of it.

He's obviously worried that you have your eye on his wife. If you back off a bit he will probably relax.

He could be controlling or you're too intense/taking up too much of her time. Or even a mix of both.

You text this woman constantly, as well as seeing her at least three times a week?

Bloody hell I would run a mile! He is probably concerned at the intensity and your domination of his wife's time.

The OW bit hadn’t occurred to me to be honest - am very happily married and my husband and I socialise with other people as well. He jokes about how much shecand I text but doesn’t see it as a threat to us. (Because it isn’t)

Like PPs, agree with blocked, the intense friendship and level of contact is OTT.

It could well also be the case that her H is controlling.

I’ve been through a lot of things recently and she has been there for me

Might the husband be thinking that you are an emotional drain on his wife. For a new friendship it seems pretty intense.

You are seeing far too much of her, and the messaging is unnecessary.

It's hardly surprising her husband isn't as keen on you as she is.

He is probably fed up with seeing you, hearing about you and not being able to escape from you.

It all sounds over-needy and unhealthy.

Try seeing less of her and more of your husband- more that is in a meaningful way rather than a piece of the furniture.

N and I have been close friends for over a year. It’s an odd friendship as we went from hardly knowing each other to best friends very quickly. I’ve been through a lot of things recently and she has been there for me. We have dinner once a week and see each other (with both husbands) a couple of times a week

This all sounds ridiculously OTT. How can you become best friends with someone you've only known a year and from that go to seeing this BF at least 3 times a week and texting incessantly. Her DH probably has to come along or he wouldn't see her!
Doesn't your DH kick up about this? I prefer friendships that slowly evolve as opposed to full on smothering ones like his.

It might be the first time his wife had had a close friend so he finds the situation a bit unfamiliar / uncomfortable. It’s not for you to try to gauge that though. If he has a problem with the current set up he needs to talk to his wife about it, and she can then talk to you.

He jokes about how much she and I text but doesn’t see it as a threat to us.

'Threat' is a strange term in the circumstances -- I would personally just be irritated that my spouse continually had one eye on her phone when we were interacting and appeared to devote hours of every day to an inane exchange of messages with someone she saw every second day anyway.

And does either of your husbands get a say in whether they even want to meet as a foursome twice a week, just because you two are suddenly friends? That would be pretty full-on even for longterm close friends, where all four of the people are genuinely very attached to all the other three.

Do you work?

if my dh behaved like you i'd be concerned he was on the verge of an affair. i'd be putting the brakes on it too,

*The friendship developed v rapidly which is not normally healthy and a red flag.

In that short time you have already drawn a lot of her emotional energy and time due to your problems.

You see her a lot for a friend, twice/thrice a week and ‘masses’ of texts That’s not normal, that’s suffocating.

You seem jealous that they express affection physically!

Perhaps he thinks you’re an emotional vampire trying to protect her from you taking advantage of her?*

Brilliant. I was thinking this but couldn't have expressed it so well.

I also wonder if this is a reverse?

I see more red flags in your friendship than their relationship. You see each other far too much.

Assuming you’re not having an affair with her, and also that both you and she are happy with your current levels of contact (i.e. it’s not one sided with one of you a bit over-needy), I think you’re at liberty to conduct the friendship however you want. Their relationship and what works for it is their concern not yours - you can’t second guess how he might feel if nobody has discussed this with you and if everyone appears prepared to continue socialising twice a week. Do what feels right for you. I’d suggest, though, that you need to be alert to the possibility that at some stage your friend might withdraw from the friendship rather abruptly.

I think he thinks you are a lesbian..
All a bit strange TBH.

The friendship sounds far too much. I mean it's the sort of thing I did when I was 16 with my friends. I think you need not jump to conclusions. I suspect you were expecting a full chorus of "he's controlling". But just cool it for now.

What everyone else has said. It's as if you've totally invaded their life together. Of course he resents that, and justifiably so.

The way you describe this friendship makes it sound as though you are dating her. I'd also be wary of the fact that you have had all these issues she has supported you with during such a short space of time. Frankly, you sound like a bit of an energy sucker. Especially with the comment about finding going from loads of messages to zero odd.

To add another point, if your friend is also encouraging this level of friendship then she is to blame as well, she should be considering the impact on her marriage/life and yours. These types of friendships sometimes fizzle out, so ensure you make time for other friends too. Don’t put all of your eggs in one solitary basket so to speak,
(Not even sure how you have that much free time every week )

Remember that you don't know what your friend is telling her husband about the friendship.

It may not all be positive.

We text all the time - unless her husband is around. I get that they need space etc etc but it’s just odd to go from masses of messages to zero.

Maybe you are a distraction/someone to chat to when she is alone, but when she and her dh are shagging together they just enjoy spending time with each other without irritating texts pinging up every few mins.

Your relationship and expectations from this woman are too high. Find more friends so this one isn't so intense.

Your post reads like you are jealous of her husband, I think it sounds like it’s more than friendship on your part and her husband has picked up on this.