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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does my friend’s husband not like me?

65 replies

Fluffymingo · 24/08/2019 13:57

Quick summary. N and I have been close friends for over a year. It’s an odd friendship as we went from hardly knowing each other to best friends very quickly. I’ve been through a lot of things recently and she has been there for me. We have dinner once a week and see each other (with both husbands) a couple of times a week. We text all the time - unless her husband is around. I get that they need space etc etc but it’s just odd to go from masses of messages to zero. He is also a bit funny with me when we are together - constantly telling me how much she loves him etc. He also has to hold her hand and kiss her, which my husband thinks makes her feel awkward. She also says things that make me worry that he is controlling. She is not a very outgoing person and doesn’t have many friends.
Sorry this is so long - didn’t want to drip feed.

OP posts:

Pinkblueberry · 24/08/2019 16:38

Well you don’t seem to like him much, so why would he like you?? Your friendship does sound a bit full on tbh - I think if I was constantly texting just one person, seeing them every week and then dragging my DH along to see her and her husband a couple more times a week he would get fed up with that too - same if it was the other way around. In my experience friendships that get very close and intense so quickly fizzle out just as fast.

Vix20678 · 24/08/2019 16:48

OP you’re getting a very hard time!! Seeing a friend once a week for dinner, then a couple of times in a group activity doesn’t seem outlandish to me. And I have several friends that text back and forth regularly.

One of my closest friends husbands has never liked me and has been honest about it. To my face he tells me he thinks I’m ‘weird’. (I’m vegan he’s pro-meat, we are chalk and cheese in our musical tastes, political views and general outlook). He also dislikes that I’m a feminist because he likes his women to be quiet and obedient and I think he knows his wife comes to me for support and advice on how to deal with him.

My point is, there are many reasons (aside from him resenting your friendship as such) that he could dislike you, and I’d not worry about it too much. Just be you. If your friend likes you and you’re both happy with the friendship then that’s fine, in my opinion.

FireBloodAndIce · 24/08/2019 22:17

Yout friendship does sound very intense. He may not enjoy your company all that much, find it too intense.

There was a post not long ago from an OP with a similar sounding friendship, also worried the husband was controlling. It was highly pressed with concern over that OPs dependent friendship too.

Sayhellotothethings · 24/08/2019 22:32

This sounds very intense and in his shoes, I would genuinely think you were going to try and make a move on his wife.

AloneLonelyLoner · 25/08/2019 06:56

I text my BF most days and when we lived in the same city we saw each other daily usually, however...

I also had a friendship for a couple of years which sounded much like yours. My friend also had a very hard time , and I cared about her, but it was too much for me. I was emotionally drained by her. Just sucked dry.

Maybe she has related this kind of thing to him and he is concerned for his wife. Also, he doesn't have to like you. My husband doesn't like any of my friends really.

Caucho · 25/08/2019 07:07

The husband sounds like a saint. As most have said I’d be pissed off with the intensity, the constant messages etc and especially from someone who is a newcomer. Trying not to be controlling I’d say knock yourself out (but still be annoyed with non stop texting) but would no way agree to meet ups myself. Would say you meet your crazy new friend and I’ll go to the pub. With mates or no mates

NeatFreakMama · 25/08/2019 07:11

Agree with PP your friendship sounds intense and a bit odd. He could be reacting to that. 3 days a week just seems really weird.

converseandjeans · 25/08/2019 07:19

Your friendship sounds incredibly intense and actually I would say that it's you who is controlling her rather than her DH.
It's not usual to have dinner with someone every week, meet as a group twice a week & then be calling/texting in between. When do they get time together without you either there in person or there on the phone?

missperegrinespeculiar · 25/08/2019 07:23

Different take here, the OP has said that they have dinner once a week, and see each other another couple of times AS PART OF A SHARED ACTIVITY (for emphasis, I am not shouting), so it's not like three times a week one on one socialising, if you put it like this, it does not seem that intense?

I don't get the texting all the time, but some friends do it and it seems fairly common?

TixieLix · 25/08/2019 07:34

I think a lot of posters have missed the update where it says the meet ups with DHs involved is a group activity (church/choir) so in that context it's not too much socialising. I don't think it's odd to go from heavy texting to zero when her DH is with her. No one likes their partner to be preoccupied with their phone when they're together so it's natural she gives it a rest when with him. However, the comment about him always kissing her, and him keep saying that she loves him makes him sound very insecure. Do you ever ask her about her relationship when you have dinner with her 1-2-1?

CatteStreet · 25/08/2019 07:50

Dinner once a week (is that a regular date/always the same evening etc?) with the same friend, assuming ordinarily busy lives, is a hell of a lot. 'Masses of messages' too. I don't have time to send anyone masses of messages. I do think he sees you as a threat, though I'm not going to speculate about its nature. Re him being 'controlling', what sorts of things has she been saying? He may be controlling or you may be interpreting things that way because you would like it to be so (and to be able to 'rescue' her from him).

Has anyone asked what your own husband makes of all this?

ShippingNews · 25/08/2019 07:56

Sounds like a lot of "bestie" time to me. All that texting and dinners and dragging husbands along for more socialising .....I'd find that far too much if my partner was doing that with a friend. I don't know why her husband is being dubbed "controlling" - maybe he is just a bit over all this intense girly stuff . He must feel suffocated by it all . Give them both a break and back off .

gamesanddaisychains · 25/08/2019 07:56

I think meeting up once a week for dinner isn't too intense at all. I assume that the shared activity at church/choir is where you became friends, this is not unusual either. People often discover shared interests at these type of events.

I do find it odd that the friend's husband keeps having to remind you that she loves him, and the kissing etc seems inappropriate and odd in the setting you describe. I would be suspicious that he thinks she is telling you things about him.

OMGshefoundmeout · 25/08/2019 08:08

I agree that he could be possessive and controlling but not necessarily. Your friendship does sound very time consuming so his irritation could be a reasonable response to that.

Another thing to consider is that he knows his wife a lot better than you do. Perhaps she has a past history of forming intense, all consuming, but ultimately short lived, female friendships and so he is aware that you are not likely to be in his life for long.

yulet · 25/08/2019 09:43

Have you posted on this before? Your scenario and wording are exactly like some threads I've seen like this already.

Either way, I agree that you're fishing for responses telling you that he's jealous and controlling, and that's not what it reads like at all.

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